Running with Scissors

America's Ruling Class -- And the Perils of Revolution

2010-08-13T21:22:00.000-04:00

VERY interesting.

Jesus Cares Sermon - Family Bible Study Notes

2010-01-21T09:15:00.001-05:00

Jesus Cares Sermon

Jesus Cares

Mark 6:45-52

Why are things as goofed up as they are?

Things are as goofed up as they are because we are a broken people. The fundamental flaw in all of history and with all things human is that we are a broken and imperfect people. Our brokenness is caused by sin.

Who is Jesus?

The Son of God. He came to deal with the problem of reconciling a broken people to God and Heaven. He came to fix the fundamental flaw of history. He came to fix our brokenness. He died to forgive our sins.

What is a/the gospel?

The word gospel means “good news”. The Gospel is the good news about Jesus and the fact that He has fixed the fundamental flaw of history and made a way for us to be reconciled to God. The good news is that He died for our sins.

What is the Bible for?

The Bible is used to spread the good news about Jesus, to tell us how God provided a way to deal with our brokenness. The Bible is to tell that Jesus died for our sins. The Bible helps us fulfill our purpose.

What is our purpose?

Our purpose is to see unbelieving people become followers of Christ by telling them who Jesus is.

Side Notes

What was the American Revolution?
Who was the ruler of America before the American Revolution?
What does “Up against it” mean? (Example: “I don't know what he is going to do now, he is really up against it.”)

http://www.parksidechurch.com/media-player/2010/1/10/jesus-cares/watch/

Amazed and Disgusted

2009-09-23T12:34:00.004-04:00

Every time I think the man couldn't amaze and disgust me with his arrogance any more than he already has, he proves me wrong.

Click here to find out what has me so amazed and disgusted.

For those that don't know George Stephanopoulos was an adviser to Bill Clinton, so would assume that he is at least on the same side of the political room as the President, if not quite so far to the left of it. I admire the fact that he doggedly pursued the issue of the tax here in this article, and I am especially amazed and disgusted by Obama telling the man that referencing the dictionary was an obvious indication that Stephanopoulos was somehow "stretching".

I don't know about you, but when I go to the dictionary, it's so I can look the person I am having a dispute with in the eye and say "Here it is in black and white, so in your face, you are unquestionably incorrect"....In a gentle and loving way of course....

"I don't think I'm making it up," Mr. Stephanopoulos said. He then had the temerity to challenge the Philologist in Chief, with an assist from Merriam-Webster. He cited that dictionary's definition of "tax"—"a charge, usually of money, imposed by authority on persons or property for public purposes."

Mr. Obama: "George, the fact that you looked up Merriam's Dictionary, the definition of tax increase, indicates to me that you're stretching a little bit right now. . . ."

Defying Evolution

2009-04-17T12:39:00.002-04:00

Hey, if you can turn give me evidence for micro-evolution and say it proves macro-evolution, I can show you a bunny chasing a snake and tell you you're all wet.

rabbit vs snake.wmv

Jamie Foxx and Miley Cyrus

2009-04-17T10:06:00.002-04:00

SO recently Jamie Foxx had this to say about Miley Cyrus:

On an episode of his weekly radio show “The Foxxhole,” Foxx for launched a crude attack on the teen sensation saying, "Make a sex tape and grow up!" Other guests in the background can be heard saying "Be like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Be like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian...get some crack in your pipe. Now that's what I want."

Well, Miley's father didn't think any of that was funny, and brought up a very good point when he said, "Quite frankly, I think if I said those things about his daughter he might not find it so comedic.”

Well, the other night Mr. Foxx was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and he offered this: "I apologize for what I said. I didn't mean it maliciously. You know I'm a comedian. You know my heart."

Yes Mr. Foxx. I know your heart. It's very clear that your heart allows you do to anything for money.

I'm upset because I think Mr. Foxx is a very talented actor and I'm looking forward to his upcoming movie "The Soloist". I really want to like this guy, but sometimes he makes it very difficult.

I wonder if that's what God thinks about me?

Be As You Are?

2009-04-15T10:55:00.012-04:00

There is a car in our parking lot here at work which has a bumper sticker that says "Be As You Are". The first time I saw it, I laughed out of incredulity. My first thought was...what if you're an *******? (Sorry, just being honest) Some people just are just not nice.

Anyway, a song just came on Pandora by some artist with the first name Ingrid and an album entitled "Be OK", and I had the same incredulous response. Seriously? Is that all there is to it? Do these people really think that if we just act as we feel, or will ourselves to be okay, everything is going to be okay? Really? No wonder Obama is President.

I'm reminded of a comment from Kevin Costner in Wyatt Earp when he was being confronted by the Earp women. One of them wanted to know if the wives ever counted more than the brothers when it came to making decisions and his answer was:

"No, Bessie, you don't.
Wives come and go,
that's the plain truth of it. They run off.
They die."

I know the wives certainly didn't appreciate the answer, and there's a bit in the Bible which discusses cleaving to your spouse which makes his answer less than Biblical, but nonetheless, the man was on to something when he talked about the strength and importance of family.

People die. Pets die. Money is lost and stolen. Cars get wrecked. Limbs get broken. The cable goes out. People serve you Miracle Whip when you ask for mayonnaise.

I hate to cite a colloquialism which contains more profanity, but "you know what" happens. And it happens all the time. It never ends. Sometimes it's like an avalanche and sometimes it's a rip tide.

What do you depend on when it happens? Who do you turn to? Where do you run?

I'll tell you one thing, "being as you are" isn't going to help.

Willing it all to "be okay" isn't going to get you anywhere either.

The truth is that this life is FULL OF PAIN.

Death is inevitable, and the older you get, the more loved ones you have to miss, and we start missing some way too early.

You can be as you are as much as you want to, but every person has a limit, and when that avalanche hits or the rip tide pulls you under and you can't manage to find a way to get a breath....being as you are is going to mean you are going to be pretty miserable.

Willing yourself to be OK? Please. There comes a time in every man's life when they simply run out of will. Biting into a burger and expecting mayo but getting Miracle Whip will do that to a person.

I'll tell you what. Next time you go through some tragedy, give me a call and I'll tell you to "Be as you are!", or maybe just to "Be OK". See how that works out.

What bugs me most is that the "Be OK" people consider themselves enlightened and consider that believing in Jesus Christ as the Risen Savior is believing in something archaic and outdated. It disturbs me that the "Be As You Are" crowd think that Christians are simple minded.

Here's the thing. I've lived through the blizzards. I've been sucked under by the rip tides. And unlike the picture which the "Be As You Are" crowd espouses about simple-minded Christians, I didn't gleefully chalk it up to "God's will" and walk around with a smile on my face.

I've cried rivers of tears. I've been so empty inside, so broken, so downright all done, that I've asked God to either return or just allow me to die. I've shaken my fist at him in anger on more than one occasion.

And today, I love Him so much. And more importantly, I KNOW that He loves me.

I am thankful, yes, thankful for all of it, and even more, I can see how each and every valley has shaped my life and made me a better person.

So when the "Be As You Are" crowd says I am filled with hate because I think homosexuality is a sin, I attribute it to principle.

When they label my opposition to abortion "religious foolishness", I know that it is based in love for the gift of life.

And when they tell me I am behind the times because we home-school, and the girls aren't allowed to date, and I have a curfew for my sister who is in her early 20's, I know that I am protecting my family.

How can being principled, loving life and providing and protecting my family make me a bad person?

The unfortunate thing is that they're so sure they're right that they won't even discuss it.

So keep on "being as you are" and "willing yourself to be okay" if that's your gig. And keep on thinking you're enlightened because you're not "saddled" with the burden of religion. And when the next blizzard comes and you're blown over by the storm, you'll have some really catchy and well intended phrases to rely upon to get you through it.

But in the middle of a storm, a positive outlook is going to leave you flat on your face. There is no philosophy, no person, no mantra that can even begin to compare to having a personal relationship with God, KNOWING that He loves you, and that He is control of everything.

He loves us and He is in control of everything. That is the only concrete thing you can ever rely upon to get you through.

I often wonder how people can get through the valleys NOT knowing that. And you know what? It's my experience that most never get through whole.

Our world is full of people with excuses for what happened to make them the way they are, and excuses for why they have an exemption from some of the most basic standards of human behavior, and now even those with reasons why there are no basic standards. Without fail, all of those excuses are rooted in a valley or a storm.

In contrast, genuine Christians will tell you how the valleys and storms they endured made them stronger and better people. They will witness to you how God worked through their weakness and their pain to bring them peace and joy.

They will testify that there is a God, and that they have a personal relationship with Him. There are millions of people alive right now that can do that, and there have been countless others who could have throughout the history of time.

Discounting all of that evidence and eye-witness testimony, that's foolish.

If you don't believe as I believe but you're interested in open and genuine two-way discussion, send me an email and I'll share my testimony.

Not my story. My testimony.

It's fact.

Voddie Baucham Sermons

2009-04-14T12:47:00.003-04:00

I added a new addition to the "Links" segment on the right. If you are a Christian and you don't know who Voddie Baucham is, it's high time you "met" the man. You can do just that by following the link below to a site with a number of different audio and video presentations of some of his sermons.

Coulter: Guns vs Teenage Sex

2009-04-09T12:35:00.004-04:00

No wonder the liberals hate Anne Coulter, time after time she makes them look like fools with simple logic like the following:

It's something in liberals' DNA: They think they can pass a law eliminating guns and nuclear weapons, but teenagers having sex is completely beyond our control.

See what happens when you think.

Top 10 Moments:Waiting

2009-02-12T11:46:00.003-05:00

Amy is a big John Mayer fan.

Last night we were driving home after the AWANA Grand Prix and a trip to Friendly's and this song came on.

I had had a long day and was TIRED.

Then Amy sang lead and the girls chimed in from the back seat with the backup "Waiting" parts.

Top 10 moment of my life.

Then I found this video to the song. Check it out.

Jib Jab:Election 2008

2008-07-23T10:20:00.001-04:00

Send a JibJab Sendables® eCard Today!

Obama:Change We Can Make Believe In (Part 1)

2008-07-07T14:15:00.003-04:00

It seems to me that in the following Obama admits that he lied for votes in the primaries, and that it's okay, because as he notes, politicians always do that.

If he's just doing what politicians do, then how exactly is he changing anything?

Mr Obama recently hinted to Fortune magazine that his strong anti-free trade rhetoric during the primaries may not be reflected in his actual trade policy should he become president.

His remarks are a neat summation of the pressures and temptations that lead politicians to shift their positions during the process of running for office.

"Sometimes during campaigns the rhetoric gets overheated and amplified," he said.

"Politicians are always guilty of that, and I don't exempt myself."

The Ten Lepers and Thankfulness

2008-06-22T21:42:00.005-04:00

I taught a lesson tonight in VBS based on the ten lepers of Luke 17: 11-19.

11Now on his way to Jerusalem, Jesus traveled along the border between Samaria and Galilee. 12As he was going into a village, ten men who had leprosy^[a]met him. They stood at a distance 13and called out in a loud voice, "Jesus, Master, have pity on us!"
14When he saw them, he said, "Go, show yourselves to the priests." And as they went, they were cleansed.
15One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. 16He threw himself at Jesus' feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.
17Jesus asked, "Were not all ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? 18Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?" 19Then he said to him, "Rise and go; your faith has made you well."

I think that when most of us hear this story, we have a tendency to think about whether or not we would have gone back and thanked Jesus, and that most of us would like to believe that we might have. I'm a stats guy though, and I think when we're honest with ourselves, we know that we probably would have behaved as the other nine.

Honestly though, I think trying to analyze the story in those terms isn't most effective. I think we're better off looking at the story in light of the fact that there were ten opportunities for Jesus to be thanked, and only one opportunity was seized.

For instance, how many of us can honestly reflect on the recent past and ten things we've been blessed with and say that we've thanked God for all ten? I can't. Maybe it's more than one, but it's a far cry from ten.

We Are Not The Center of the World (Acts 1:8)

2008-05-30T12:15:00.006-04:00

I just heard something that I found very insightful, and it struck me as insightful because I've been thinking about Acts 1:8 all wrong.

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. - Acts 1:8

Now, like many of my brothers and sisters here in America, I have always interpreted this passage to mean that we had a job to go forth and evangelize the world so that "the ends of the earth" can have a chance to hear the Gospel.

Here's the thing though. We are the "ends of the earth". The problem I've had, and perhaps many of you have had as well, is that I read that passage and wrongly ascribe to myself the position of being in the middle. That's wrong. The point of origin is not America. The point of origin is the Middle East. And from that frame of reference, WE are then the "ends of the earth."

This is not to say that we should stop going forth and spreading the Gospel, or that we shouldn't support our missionaries. No, not at all. I just had an insight that there is perhaps more work already accomplished in bringing the Gospel to the world than I thought that there was.

Voddie Baucham - Birth Rates in the Industrialized World (The Muslimification of the World..or at least France)

2008-04-17T11:50:00.002-04:00

So,

Today I'm listening to more from Voddie Baucham. In case you haven't noticed, I really like the guy. ;)

Anyway, he just said something that I wanted to share and let you chew on.

The birth rate in America is now below the replacement rate. The birth rate is now 1.8, and the replacement rate is 2.1. Also, a birth rate of 2.1 is not healthy, it just means that a culture is not dying. And we have one of the highest birth rates amongst industrialized nations.

And here is where it got interesting for me.

In France, the birth rate is about 1.5 nationally. But the birth rate amongst Muslims in France is 6.0. Baucham says that France will be a Muslim country in 2 generations.

What do you think the implications of that are?

I don't know how accurate his information is, but I doubt it's fiction.

I found the talk I'm listening to today on this page. I'm listening to part 1 of "Marriage in the Beginning - Marriage by Design.

Baptized in the Jordan

2008-04-15T17:22:00.000-04:00

This is a mass email I sent out today.

Hi,

I just got off the phone with my sister Sarah a little while ago. She was calling from Israel to tell me that she was baptized today in the Jordan River, and I wanted to share it with EVERYONE!! It was just a little more than 18 months ago I got down on my knees and prayed intently to God about Sarah. I had tried everything I could to try and have an impact on her life and nothing seemed to work. I told God how afraid I was for her future. I was sure she was headed for a life of misery. As far as I could see, her prospects included pregnancy, alcoholism, drug addiction or even death. I asked God what I should do, and I CLEARLY heard Him tell me to give her up to Him. It wasn't easy, but that was just what I did, and I am amazed...truly amazed...at the changes he has wrought in her life. He has repaid my faith so quickly, so fully, so abundantly....so perfectly...

I could tell you a ton of stories right now about the ways in which God has met this need, the amazing MIRACULOUS ways he has provided thousands of dollars...but instead, I'll just tell you this. Jesus Christ is my Savior, My Master and my King. I have never, ever even dreamed about being loved this perfectly. God has worked in my life, and continues to work in my life, with His perfect blessing and discipline to refine me and bring my life joy and peace. And now, Praise God, Sarah has allowed Him to work that way in her life as well.

There is no other way to live your life which will bring you anywhere near the fulfillment and happiness that living your life according to the Word of God will bring you. Nothing else will satisfy you the way that giving your life to God will satisfy you. It is what we are created for. Getting lost in what THIS life has to offer is folly. We spend a brief moment walking the face of the earth when compared to the eternity we will spend after this life, and the choices we make here will affect us for all eternity.

Jesus had this to say in Matthew 6:20 regarding trying to satisfy yourself with treasures on this earth versus the treasures to be found in Heaven:

Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal

My grandfather used to ascribe to the belief that "He who dies with the most toys, wins", but that isn't true. He who dies with the most toys just leaves the most toys behind.

So today, I am thankful to God for His infinite patience with me. I'm thankful to a mother who kept telling me all of these same things I just shared with you even when I didn't want to hear them. Her words and actions continue to pay dividends not just in my life and Sarah's life, but in so many other lives as well. I can only aspire to be the selfless, faithful and obedient servant that she was.

Today I am also thankful to my church, my family and my friends, and most especially to everyone at Hume Lake who has allowed God to work the miracles that they do. All of you have lifted us up in prayer or pitched in to make this hope we had for Sarah last year into a reality, and you sincerely have my eternal gratitude.

You have stored up treasures in Heaven, but I hope the thought of the change that Sarah has undergone in such a short time, the thought that she was baptized in the very same body of water that Jesus was baptized, is half the treasure to your heart that it is to mine. Because my heart is full today. Our God is a faithful God, a loving God, and a perfect God.

Our God is God, and He keeps His promises.

If you would like to see the pictures and blogs from Sarah's trip you can find them here: http://joshuawilderness.org/news/

If you've got an older teen that is struggling with life, that maybe you don't have any idea what to do with next, I would advise you to check out the other areas of the site as well to find out more about the Joshua Wilderness Institute.

Finally, I've attached a picture of Sarah sitting under a tree studying her Bible in Israel. Who would have thought...

I've prayed for each of you today.

Thanks for listening

Randy

--
I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. - John 15:15

Laptop for Sale

2008-02-11T16:48:00.000-05:00

We have a tuition payment for my sister Sarah at the Joshua Wilderness Institute due on 2/15 and I'm trying to raise funds by selling a laptop on ebay. If you're in the market for a good laptop at a reasonable price, please click here.

It's been a struggle paying for her tuition since we originally had to come up with the initial down payment of $4500, but God has been faithful and we trust He will be now as well.

The change in my sister has been nothing short of miraculous, and we want for her to be able to graduate with the rest of her class. It was just last year that I was gravely concerned for Sarah's safety and well-being, but God has been faithful to His promise to me to save her, and I will praise His name forever for the changes He has wrought in her life. For more about her, and from her, click here to read her blog.

By the way, if you don't need a laptop but would like to donate something towards Sarah's tuition, contact me and I'll let you know how you can make a donation for her tuition directly to Joshua.

Email to Jesus

2008-01-04T16:11:00.000-05:00

Father.

I don't know if this is your email or not. But I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your grace and mercy in my life. Thank you for waiting for me so patiently, and for being faithful to me even when I failed at being faithful to you. Thank you for knowing me so well, and for molding me into the person that I am today. Please LORD, keep molding me.

Thank you Jesus, for giving up all that it is to be God and coming down here and taking the form of the most defenseless and helpless of forms. Everything is yours, and so you have the right to everything, but you gave it all up, just to come here and show me how much I am loved.

Lord, I still fail you. I still stray and allow sin in my life. I am incapable of living this life that I want with all of my heart to live. I want to live for You Jesus, to show you how much you mean to me, how much I appreciate You, how much I appreciate you and all of Your ways...how much I love You. Thank You for being patient. Thank You for Your forgiveness. Please give me the strength to be better. Please refine me and my ways. Please discipline me when I need it, and please turn Your loving face upon me even when I don't deserve it.

Jesus, I am writing today because I am so overwhelmed at the ways in which You have blessed me even though I don't deserve it. Specifically Lord, today, I want to thank You for all that You have done in Sarah's life. You have worked a miracle in her, and I can hardly stand to think about it without tears filling my eyes. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Please Lord, continue to work in her, and grow her, and refine her. She is becoming such a blessing to me, and all that I went through Lord, You are redeeming. I didn't think this was possible Lord, but I am seeing in so many ways how anything at all is possible for You.

Thank You Father for being my Father, and please help me as I begin my own road as a father. Help me Lord, because I will surely need it. Help me to be the man of God I want to be. Help me to be Your faithful and true servant. Father, You know me even better than I know me. Help me to trust You. Father, craft for me a life which satisfies me and fulfills me. Make for me a way that allows me to share with others how much I love You. Lord, please let me serve You in ways which I haven't even imagined. This life has been an incredible ride so far, all of it, and I want You to keep refining me so that I trust You completely to lead me where You want me to go. I trust You Lord. I trust You with everything. Help me to be consistent about it.

You are beautiful. You are magnificent. You are everything I ever wanted, and every day you are more and more what I don't deserve. Thank You for blessing me anyway.

I can't wait to be with You forever.

Love

Randy

Today is the best day of my life!!

2007-12-15T12:08:00.001-05:00

I wrote this blog back in February on my birthday:

and when I wrote it, I ended it by saying that this would be the best year of my life. I didn't know why I wrote that, and at first I felt a little presumptuous. Honestly though, I felt God making me a promise when I wrote it, so even though I felt a little uncomfortable making such a bold statement, I posted it anyway.

Well, in a little less than two hours from now I am getting married to "that girl from camp", and I can testify wholeheartedly that God followed through on His promise. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.

This is the best year of my life...so far...and today is the best day of my life as well.

PRAISE GOD!!!!

Trust in Him

2007-09-19T21:13:00.000-04:00

Life is....busy...

But here is something I wrote today which I thought worthy of posting.

Well, I'm going to say I told you so, but I don't mean it in a negative way. I've been telling you for years that you belong to Him, and He isn't going to let you live life by your own rules. You persisted in trying to do that anyway, as all of us stubborn people are prone to doing, and you struggled mightily. I praise God though, that now you are starting to see that the way you were was negative, and I praise Him more that you are beginning to turn over the control of your life to Him. He will not let you down.

Look at my verse at the bottom of this email, John 15:15-16. This is the verse I used last year when I spoke at that youth rally at Graham Road. Over the past year I have really come to understand it better too. You have to remember a couple things about God.

First, He isn't like us, and He doesn't see us from our limited perspective, He sees us from His all knowing perspective, and He loves us no matter what we do.

Second, the word friend in this verse is translated from a word which means "The closest friends of the King". Sarah, we come to Him broken and just happy to be in the Kingdom, but He picks us up, cleans our lives up and then wants to be as close to us as a friend could ever be.

The Bible also says: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me" (Rev 3:20) That means that if we just open the door up and let Him come in, He will share everything we have (which is all His in the first place) and He will share all that He has with us. It really is as simple as that.

You know how I know? Because I own a condo, and I'm buying a house, and you're in California, and I have a good job and so on and so on.

So, since He wants to be our friend, we have to treat Him like our friend too. And that means that we have to be loyal like a friend and faithful like a friend. I told you a couple of months ago when you said you didn't know how to love everyone like Jesus did that you should think of how you love me and treat everyone like you (were SUPPOSED to) treat me. lol.

And we should do that because "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9) We can always count on Him. We can't always count on anyone else in our lives, not always, but Him we never have to worry about.

Sometimes it might seem like he's forgotten us, but I heard something else that I hold onto when things don't seem to be going my way: "The choices that God makes for our lives are the same choices we would make if we knew everything God knows."

So, I am glad that God is breaking you down and that you are seeing all of these things happen which are not coincidences. Now you have an understanding of why I am getting married in December, Amy and I have been experiencing that too almost since the first phone call we had. I knew He loved me before Sarah, but I didn't believe that I was worthy of all the things He is blessing me with now. I was just happy to be in the Kingdom, ya know?

Now, I can see how He is cleaning off my life, and He is showing me just how much He loves me as His friend and wants to bless me and show me that. And all I did was be loyal, and trustworthy. And that's all He requires of you too.

Does this sound familiar...Do the things you're supposed to do and not just things you want to do....lol. I know I said that to you 1000 times, but it sounds to me like you're finally getting it and I thank God for that. That really isn't my own statement though, it's just a paraphrase of: "He must increase, I must decrease" (John 3:30)

Thank You Daddy

2007-08-04T15:00:00.000-04:00

Genesis 2:18-25 (New International Version)

18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said,
"This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,
for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Like a Song

2007-08-04T11:42:00.000-04:00

I wrote this to a friend yesterday. I was praying that God would give me the words I needed...and when I was done writing I was amazed at the work He had done.

Hola,
So, I need to go out and get some exercise, but I wanted to drop you a quick note just to explain about being a puppet.

The easiest way for me to say it is that being a Christian isn't about having to do what you're told, and being restricted from what you want to do. In short, it isn't about having the person you are stifled and frustrated. God doesn't want to dominate you.

Being a Christian is about God knowing you. And, before I go any further, we have to remember that God isn't human. He's...okay, you ready for the dictionary...I will be EXTREMELY impressed if you know these words...be honest and tell me if you knew them...

God is:
1. Omniscient

2. Omnipresent

3. Omnipotent

So, that means that God is everywhere, knows everything and can do anything. Which means that if you say I am not going to believe in God because I can't understand how he can be real without seeing him...but you are not omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent...well...you have a chink in your logic...

But the truth of the matter is that you CAN see God, or at least the evidence of Him. Besides the fact that Jesus is a historical figure and nobody really argues whether he was a real person, there are other pieces of evidence.

My favorite piece of evidence is up in the sky. When I am somewhere out camping deep in the woods with no city around and I look up and can see ALL the stars...it gives me butterflies. No kidding. There are SO MANY. And I am sorry, for me to believe that some big bang put them all there or some other ACCIDENT...to me it takes a lot more faith to believe that it all happened by chance than to believe God created it.

There is other evidence too. One of my favorites is what goes on inside your brain. I can remember being in college and learning about how everything in there works...and I was...I was just baffled. There are so many things, when I stop and look and consider how complex they are...the oceans, the atmosphere, trees, birth, space, the sun, sunrises and sunsets, gravity, the way grass grows and birds fly.... all the little things about nature that are so amazing like dolphins and spider webs...and cats purring (yes, your mom told me and I have 4 cats and I love when they purr)....

Sorry, I'm getting passionate, but come on. If a couple of those things were here...okay, maybe I would doubt God a little...but there is ALL of that and so much more...and I'm supposed to believe that it's ALL AN ACCIDENT!! lol. *****...which one takes more faith...to believe God did it or to believe that it was all an accident?

So, in case you can't tell, when I get writing, I sometimes can't stop. To say the least.
But back to my original thought about puppets.

I said that being a Christian is about God knowing you. Because He is all the "omni's", He knows anything and can do anything, and is everywhere all the time. He sees everything. And, when I say he owns us, again I don't mean it in a bad way.

Like, when I write a song on my guitar and it's beautiful, (I'm not bragging) I love that song. I really love it, and even though I wrote that song, even though I "own" it, I don't try to make that song do anything else than what it was intended to do. Each song has a purpose. Like, some songs I write are serious and dark...well, I don't play those ones for someone when I'm trying to let them feel how much I love them...you know?

Well, people are a lot more special than songs. Did you hear the story about the guy in NYC last year that was in the subway last year with his two daughters when another man near him had a seizure and fell off of the subway platform and right on the tracks in front of a train that was coming? The father gave his daughters to another person and jumped right out on top of the man and held him down while the train went right over them. He saved the mans life.

He didn't know that man, he was just on his way to work. And he wasn't a cop, or an athlete or anything "important", he was a janitor. Well, to me, when I heard that story, I really felt special just hearing about it, because that was beautiful, that janitor was a hero. He didn't have to do what he did. He could have stood there and let the man die, and nobody would have blamed him. But he didn't. He decided that He was going to do something to try and save the man.

Anyway, my point is that everybody...well, almost everybody...has the ability to be good. And everybody has the ability to be good in their own special way because we are all unique. The problem is, that people get out in the world and they start thinking about themselves and become selfish and don't care who they hurt because they're "just trying to make themselves happy."

And that leads to sin. Really, that is sin.

Let me ask you this. How do you think that janitor felt about himself after he saved that man? Do you think he was a jerk about it and real proud and talked about how cool he was? Well, I actually got to see him interviewed a couple times and he wasn't anything like that. He was just really happy. He just felt really good. It was a selfless and noble act. It went exactly the opposite of the way everyone usually lives, which is why everyone was talking about it on the news and he was being interviewed all over the place. It was unusual. I believe that it was evidence for the part of us that is like God, from God, that's made in His image.

I'm going to get to my point. I promise.

Have you ever been to a concert? I've been to some really good ones, and what makes them really good is that all of the songs that the band plays are great, and they all...like build up until the end and the place is just off the hook and everybody is screaming and yelling and dancing and having the time of their life.

Well, every song that the band plays during that concert had a place. If the band came out and played just the first three songs, it wouldn't be any good. If they came out and only played every other song it wouldn't be as good, because we would be mad that they didn't play some good songs that they really liked. My point is that every song in that concert has a place where it is supposed to go, and a purpose it is supposed to fulfill. And when the song gets played right when it's supposed to be played, we say, "That was awesome!"

And people are just like that. We are all unique and we all have things about us that make us special and better at some things than others. Like I can sing but I can't draw. I can barely color inside the lines. And we know some of the things we're good at, but sometimes we're surprised when we do something well that we didn't know we could do well.

Well, because God created us, He knows everything about us, and He knows all the things we're good at and just where we fit in the "concert". And when we allow ourselves to be played like that, when we read the Bible and try to live the way it tells us to live instead of living like the world lives and trying to "make ourselves happy", people that know us and see the things we do say "That was awesome."

And just like that janitor felt after he did the right thing, doing that makes us happy. So, God owning us...it means that all the things about us that we like about ourselves, all the things we do well, He wants to make it so we can do them. He knows where we "fit" and what will allow us to do what we do best...and what will make us happiest...and he wants to use us to help other people feel that way to.

But we don't have to do it. Being used by God is a choice, so it's actually the exact opposite of being a puppet. Like I decided to sit down here and write this to you instead of watching the Red Sox or playing video games online with my friends. And I did it because God uses me by letting me do the things I do best, and I am happy, and I don't feel empty and messed up anymore because of it. I feel good because rather than spending all of my time worrying about me and "what's best for me", I take time to try and help other people like you. Which makes me happy, especially when they see how much God loves them and I get to be a part of them getting to be happy too.

Alright...sorry I wrote so much. I know I even might have been a little complex, but I get the feeling about you that none of this is going to be above your head.

Phew!
R-

Steroids in sports and society - Schilling vs. Bonds,et al

2007-07-28T17:41:00.000-04:00

There's been a lot of talk in the media over the past few months concerning steroids as Barry Bonds has approached Hank Aaron's career home run record. This week Curt Schilling created a stir when he was questioned by Bob Costas about the subject.

Schilling made news this week when Costas asked him what he thought about the avoidance by Bonds (and others) to answering the question of whether or not they had used steroids:

"...I just always thought it was very simple: If you did something and someone asks you if you did it and you didn't do it, you say no. Any other answer than no is some form of yes, isn't it?"

This caused discussion of not only the steroids issue, but also the issue of whether Schilling, who people seem to either love or hate, should have opened his mouth at all.

A discussion such as this began on the Red Sox forum where I normally post and go for information. I was surprised to see a couple of people offer the opinion that steroid use could be used without harm in a controlled environment, even to the point of saying that the American public had been duped by the media to believe this wasn't the case.

I just responded back and thought I would share my response with you:

You know, I won't argue that blaming steroids for direct causation in what Chris Benoit did is inaccurate. I will agree that stating that "JUST steroids are responsible" seems pretty unenlightened.

On the other hand, I would suggest that many of the young men that are drawn to the benefits of steroid use are exactly the people that shouldn't be using them.

I'm reminded of a discussion I had with one of our assistant deans when I was in college. He told me that in all the time he had been dealing with students, the overwhelming majority of young men that were taking classes in preparation for law enforcement were decidedly unqualified for the profession due to several factors, including their egos and pride and how these played into what he believed was a jaded motivation to be in law profession to bolster their self esteem.

Now, perhaps that analogy doesn't quite fit, but I hope you understand the spirit of what I'm trying to say. So many of our young athletes today, especially the premier high school and college athletes, are coddled to the point that they have no comprehension of what the real world is like. Not, at least, until they finally reach a big enough pool of talent that they realize there are thousands of other guys just like them from cities and towns across the country, even the world, and that it is only the rare blessed few that ever really make their careers playing the sport that has allowed them privilege and notoriety up until that point.

Unfortunately, for many it is about this same time that all the privilege and notoriety suddenly disappear and the young man is left isolated and unpampered for perhaps the first time in their young lives. Many of them are also left intellectually and emotionally incapable of fully comprehending the full impact of decisions they make at this point out of sheer desperation, including of course, the decision to take and abuse steroids.

Personally, I grew up with two close friends that did abuse steroids. One was a chubby kid that everyone loved because of his awesome personality and humor, and the other was the product of a divorced family that was short and small and pretty annoying. The one with the decent personality also had a family that loved him,and they were able to intervene and get him back on track with his life, but not before he had caused considerable emotional harm to himself and those around him. The other kid I don't expect to live past 40 because of all the trauma he caused to his body.

My point is that you can't have this argument in a vacuum. If you want to talk about cop outs, then you have to include the cop out of saying "when used properly in a controlled environment, steroids are perfectly safe". To me, it is nothing short of reprehensible to hold this point of view when it is a fact that for the majority, perhaps greater than 95% of the time, this will NEVER be the case.

I didn't come to this conclusion because the American media steered me wrong. I came to this conclusion because I am intelligent, analytical, an athlete and because one day in the next few years I expect to hear about an old friend passing far to early.

Sarah and The Joshua Wildreness Institute

2007-07-28T01:04:00.001-04:00

Randall Bray

Sarah Bray

952 B Snowfall Spur

Akron, OH 44313

Dear Friends and Family,

I trust that this letter finds you all well and enjoying the summer months. Although I am told that we need more rain I find this questionable since I’ve really enjoyed the weather. I may not be completely objective however since I’ve enjoyed only having one softball game rained out, and I also don’t have a lawn since I live in a condo.

Sarah has also been busy working full time at her job with the Heart Group and preparing for her time at the Joshua Wilderness Institute beginning this fall. For those of you who weren’t aware, Sarah was accepted into their 9-month program beginning September 9^th of this year.

The Joshua Wilderness Institute is a program “designed for those who know they want to serve the Lord but lack the discernment, focus, spiritual and personal discipline, or life experience to exercise real wisdom in everyday situations.”

As most of you know, Sarah experienced a series of traumatic events beginning with the aneurysm and prolonged coma our mother suffered during Sarah’s early teenage years. I simply do not have the space to list here all that she has been through, but I can tell you how proud I am of the progress that she has made.

There was a time not long ago that I sincerely worried for her life because of the choices she was making. Thanks be to God however, her behavior has undergone a change that is nothing short of miraculous in the past 12 months. As thankful as I am for that progress, I am still unconvinced that she is prepared for the autonomy of life at a University.

It was at precisely the time I began to consider college as a viable possibility that I first became aware of the Joshua Wilderness Institute. I was overwhelmed when I listened to the story of the young woman I heard describe Joshua on the Focus on the Family radio program, because her story so closely resembled Sarah’s. I firmly believe that this program is God’s will for Sarah’s life at this time. You can learn about the Joshua Wilderness on their detailed website by searching for it on line.

Although the program itself is very reasonably priced, there is an attendance guarantee of $4500 due on August 15^th. Altogether the cost of the program is $8000 with an optional trip to Israel next Spring costing an additional $4000. Sarah will work at the program however, and this will defray the expenses by roughly $2500, leaving the total cost for the year at $6270,or $10270 including the Spring Israel trip.

Presently our church, West Hill Baptist Church, has pledged $1000 and I hope to have enough funds to bring the total to about half the attendance guarantee. Unfortunately, we recently found out that our father will not be able to contribute, which has made this request for support necessary. I apologize for getting this letter to you at such a late date.

Would you please prayerfully consider joining me in fulfilling what I sincerely believe would have been my mothers wish, and what I firmly believe is God’s will, for Sarah at this time? I anticipate that her participation in this program will pay a lifetime, or more precisely, an eternity, of dividends.

For any additional questions please contact me during the evenings at 330-524-9979. If it is your desire to help, please make checks payable to Randall Bray. If we are unable to secure Sarah’s place by the August 15^th deadline and there is no extension, I will destroy all checks. I will notify everyone able to contribute at that time as well. Thank you for your consideration.

In Christ’s name

Randy Bray

The Legend of Randy Bray...Preface

2007-07-12T23:48:00.001-04:00

OK. I know I'm not a legend. Randy will not begin referring to Randy in the third person or anything. Promise. It's just that, for around a decade I've had people tell me from time to time that I need to start putting some of my experiences down on paper. My favorite comment was from a guy named Pete Brayton. Pete told me something along the lines of "I don't know what story you're going to tell, but I know there is one inside of you, and it's going to epic when it comes out." I'm not kidding, Pete always talked like that.

Which reminds me of a story, which kind of relates to how legends get started in the first place. You may have noticed that Pete's last name is Brayton, which is very similar to my own. He also bears a resemblance to my step-fathers family. Well we got to talking one day and wouldn't you know it, his family traces their lineage back to the same northern New York town that my step-fathers family does. It wasn't difficult then to imagine that at some point in the past someone made a modification to the name, and that Pete and I were tacitly related. And that my friends, is how legends get started.

As I sit here and write this, I'm hit with some real pangs of nostalgia and sadness. I have a hard time letting go of things. For a person with my share of failures, more than my share in my estimation considering the gifts and grace I've received from God...anyway, for a person who has failed in large and grandiose ways in my lifetime,you might imagine that I've learned how to deal with loss and pain.

Well, I finally learned how to deal with it without becoming self destructive. For the most part. However, there are things I've been through that happened years ago that still come to mind a couple times a month. Things that still make me wince out of embarrassment, shame or the like. I haven't always been as noble as I would have liked, and for a long time, I lived my life as a hedonist.

A tortured hedonist to be sure. Always knowing the right and true way. Accepting my Savior and His sacrifice while rejecting the responsibility that accompanies it. But a hedonist just the same. Tortured, never satisfied and lacking peace in all things.

So, as I sit here and write this, I recall that the summer I spent enjoying the company of the Braytons were probably the penultimate moments of that hedonism. The "golden age" of my life, if you will. At least it seemed so then.

And knowing what I know now, having survived what I've survived, I wouldn't go back and live that life again. But sometimes I miss it, and sometimes I miss the people like Pete and Claudine and our moments lost in time. Legends never die. They just get better.

So, I want to tell my story, plain and true. I'm already debating about how much to share and how much to show you, but I think I'm going to be frank and open about everything. I won't lie to you, more often than not my life has been a painful warning rather than a good example.

Until it's taken as a whole. Until I step outside and see how God has redeemed my wasted years. Yet though he has forgiven me, my worry is that while I was busy serving myself, people God may have used me to reach fell along the wayside and will never see the Gospel lived. I am looking forward to the people I will get to spend eternity with, but sometimes I agonize over the ones I won't see there.

I'm here to tell my story, to give testimony if you will. I believe you'll find it part comedy, part thriller, part drama and part tear jerker amongst other things. I doubt you'll find it boring. I hope you find it interesting. I pray it is used.

Live Earth, or how to waste as many precious resources as possible on a Saturday afternoon...

2007-07-08T13:05:00.000-04:00

Once a week I go to lunch with the ladies in my department at work. Each week we cross a bridge in Kent, Oh, that crosses over a set of railroad tracks, among other things. There is a wall which is covered with all kinds of graffiti running alongside the railroad tracks, but conspicuous by both the height of the letters in comparison to the other graffiti as well as the stark plainness of the white spray paint the author used is a statement which reads:

"I worry that religion starts wars - Paul McCartney"

Now, don't get me wrong, as a musician and a lover of music, I revere Mr. McCartney and the other three lads from Liverpool for their musical contributions. I even liked McCartney and Wings. I got a little bored with him while he was going through the mid life years and getting busted for weed once a month, but I did like Ebony and Ivory at the time it was out.

However, every week as I cross that bridge I am so tempted to get a can of spray paint of my own and go down a put my own comment right next to the aforementioned one. It would read something like this:

"I worry that Paul McCartney does your critical thinking on serious issues."

As I said, I understand the impact the Beatles had in changing the very face of popular music around the world. However,I'm not ready to let Ringo Star teach me about the better points of a free market economy because of it.

With that being said, I'm also not willing to let a bunch of preening, self important, out-of-touch with reality, overpaid musicians define my position on global warming or any other subject. As it pertains to global warming in particular, let me just offer that if I tried to discuss carbon dating with many of the musicians I have known throughout my life, their first thought would be who would name their daughter Carbon? And then they would want to write a song about her.

Okay, that might be a bit of a stretch. Perhaps. Either way, my real point is that becoming a musician, especially reaching the stature of anyone invited to play at one of the Live Earth venues yesterday, takes as much dedication and effort as reaching the pinnacle of any other profession.

However, were you to chart the history of most of those musical acts, it's unlikely that the time spent in high school classrooms would rank amongst their most important influences. I propose that the same thing is true for many of the elite thespians in Hollywood. So, I cannot understand for the life of me why I am supposed to care one whit what these people think about anything that doesn't have anything to do with music or acting.

In support of how little these people seem to understand the implications of THEIR own actions (supposing that what they extol is true, that humans are having a catastrophic effect on the earth and it's climate) I offer you the words of one of the leaders FOR the idea of global warming:

John Buckley of Carbon Footprint, an organization that helps companies reduce their carbon dioxide emissions, said Saturday that Live Earth will produce about 74,500 tons of the gas.

"We would have to plant 100,000 trees to offset the effect of Live Earth," he said, speaking by telephone. But, he added, "if you can reach 2 billion people and raise awareness, that's pretty fantastic."

Speaking from my own idealogical and theocratic belief system that is tantamount to me saying to a missionary:

"You had to kill three people in the village before the rest accepted Christ? Well, praise the Lord brother!"

Okay, perhaps it isn't quite that extreme, but I think you get my point. And that's the problem with so many of the radical conservationists specifically and liberal minded people in general. Simply put, the lack of a moral code because the majority reject the Bible makes them susceptible to hypocrisy and worse at every turn. That isn't to say that conservatives and Christians don't face the same vulnerabilities, because we do. However, I believe that "pound for pound", people of faith will act consistently with the Bible.

That really isn't what got me about the statement Buckley made though. Although 100,000 is quite a significant amount of trees, and it does bother me that he could dismiss the "harm" being done solely based on the fact that he agrees with why the "harm" is taking place, that isn't the biggest problem I have with his statement.

What bothers most about what he had to say is that the rationalization he uses to legitimize the "harm" is that people were "reached" and awareness was "raised".

Are you kidding me?!

Who exactly is it that Buckley thinks:

1. Wasn't aware of the global warming argument?
2. Would not be in a position to hear about global warming, but would be in a position to watch one of the concerts?

I would propose that the number he proposed being made more aware of his message was far less than 2 billion. As a matter of fact, I think the number is a lot closer to, and this is just a guess... I think the number of people is a lot closer to...three. Yes, that is my final answer.

I won't even get into the fact that I think that Al Gore leads a movement which is misguided, that scientists and world leaders come out every day (and are ignored by the media just as often) to say that he Gore used faulty logic and that there is a serious problem with much of the "evidence" being used by Gore et.al, that many of the people who have aligned themselves with Gore know as much about science as they do about The First Council of Nicea (which is to say they know all of the information out there which presupposes a vast political and religious conspiracy and none at all of the the true historical facts)...

No, I won't even get into any of that, but I will mention it.

The bottom line though is this, there was a concert held yesterday, and:

1. Quite a bit of pollution was created in the name of not creating pollution
2. A lot (2 billion is a number I find rather "optimistic") of people went to the concert and, for the 2 minutes and 37 seconds which I viewed over the course of the day,looked very attractive and as if they were enjoying themselves very much.
3. The musicians involved (and from the acts I saw, there were quite a few who last enjoyed their best days a decade or more ago) did what musicians do. They showed up to play their songs because they like to play their songs and they liked to be looked at.

The primary reason the musicians came wasn't because they so fervently believed in the cause. It wasn't because they wanted to help or had some altruistic goal in mind. The primary reason the musicians came was because they are musicians and they like to play their music and they like to be looked at and applauded when they are doing it.

I'm certain there might have been a few that defy this description, but I do believe that overwhelmingly this was the case. Otherwise, they would have rode their bikes there.

The Ides of June

2007-06-15T21:49:00.001-04:00

And then Spring was gone. I don't know if it's because I haven't had the time or the inclination, probably a little bit of both, but I can't believe it's been this long since I posted something here. I've had plenty to write about...I just haven't written. Look for something over the next couple of weeks.

TWO POSTS IN ONE DAY!!!

2007-03-30T04:17:00.000-04:00

Ah, you readers are so spoiled.

Okay, you, reader, are so spoiled.

lol.

I kill myself!

No, I DON'T need help with that.

I thought this was interesting. I think at least half of the stuff in my profile on this page are even correct. One of the "truths" it told me even made me a little emotional. Then I got to the part where it said I liked everything neat and smelling fresh and I about died laughing. THAT is funny stuff. Although, I do like things that way, I just don't have the time nor the inclination to MAKE things that way.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

David Crowder and Ted Nugent

2007-03-30T02:27:00.000-04:00

When I was a little punk kid growing up in Springfield, MA my favorite guitar player was Ted Nugent. Cool thing was that Ted had a love affair with our little town. When he came to town to play our tiny Civic Center, he ALWAYS put on a good show. One time he got banned from the Civic Center for three years for putting on too good of a show.
He also included us on his live "Double Live Gonzo" CD, and when he returned with Damn Yankees later on in his musical career it was one of the best shows I have EVER seen.

I have much man love for Ted Nugent. I have much guitar player love for him too. I hope someday he will play on my CD.

Now that I'm a bigger punk kid, one of my favorite artists is the David Crowder Band. I admire the passion that these guys play with, the genuine desire they have to reach out to the disenfranchised with the Gospel of Christ, the way David closes his eyes when he sings out to God, the creativity, the absolute genius, of their music. Without reservation I put their "A Collision" CD up there with other epic CD's I have owned, a list which includes:

Electric Ladyland - Hendrix
The Southern Rythym and Harmony Companion - The Black Crowes
Ten - Pearl Jam
The White Album - The Beatles
Temple of the Dog - Temple of the Dog
Led Zeppelin IV - Led Zeppelin
Badmotofinger - Soundgarden
One More From the Road - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

Yes, "A Collision" is THAT good.

I have much man love for David Crowder and his band of miscreants. I have much God love for them too. I hope one day David Crowder will sing on my CD, or maybe Hogan will play fiddle. Maybe I'll just have to wait for the jam session in eternity.

Either way, yesterday I had one of those moments where something was happening for the whole world to see, but it felt like it had been planned out just for me.

Take a look at this clip of the day put out by the David Crowder band while they're recording their new CD.

Yes, that is Ted Nugent, The Nuge, The Motor City Madman. That's The Nuge laying down a track for the new David Crowder CD. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??!! If I go to a David Crowder concert and Ted Nugent ever comes out on stage and starts playing, I predict that I have a heart attack and die...as a matter of fact, I WANT to have a heart attack and die. Right then I want to be in Heaven so I can just immediately tell God, "THANKS, THAT WAS AWESOME".

Okay, I might be exaggerating. Maybe.

But COME ON!!!

Ted Nugent and David Crowder??!!!

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??!!

HOW??!!

Given Up For Lost

2007-03-15T10:03:00.000-04:00

I sat down to write a song Monday night. I was thinking about and even feeling some of the things that I have felt in the past, especially during the latter stages of my marriage. I also had a line stuck in my head from the "Prodigal" video I may have emailed you recently, specifically, "Given up for lost." I've felt that way as far back as I can remember. Whether it's from things people have said to me or about me, things I've done which have left me with nothing but embarrassment or even shame, my self image has never been a positive one.

I can still fall into that trap, but over the past few years I've learned to see myself how God sees me rather than trusting my own perception. It wasn't easy, I'm not someone that moves away from a conviction like that very easily. The more I've read my Bible though, the more I've trusted Him, and the more I've realized that He is worthy of that trust. I don't know why He loves me the way He loves me, for as Martin Luther put it, I am but snow covered dung. No, I don't know why, but I do know He loves me, and that's all that really matters.

So I sat down to write this song on Monday night with those things in mind. I wanted to somehow use what I had been through in my life to show people that no matter what anybody thinks about you, including yourself, God loves you so much that even in your darkest hour, He will be there, He will hear your cry. I wanted people to know that no matter what anybody thinks of you, including you, the God that created you, the God that thought you up in the first place, will never stop loving you. He came to earth, left Heaven itself to live as a man, and died on a cross to prove it to us. To prove it to you.

I also wanted people to know that if they had a child or a loved one that had become wayward, that God is a faithful God. I put my mother through a lot of trauma when I was younger, but she never stopped telling me that God had a plan for my life, that He had given me my gifts for His glory. I'm sure that at the time she thought I wasn't hearing her, that I wasn't listening. Well, the truth is, I was listening, but I didn't believe I was worth very much back then, so as much as I would have liked to have believed she was telling me the truth, I just couldn't. Truth is, now I know I'm not worth very much, but I know that God loves me in spite of my sinful nature. So I wanted to tell people that there is no amount of sinful years that cannot be redeemed, and even though someone might not seem to be hearing what you say, your words do not really fall on deaf ears.

I've been blessed to have God put some wonderful musicians around me in the past year. Tuesday night, not even 24 hours later, we got together to practice. We practiced this song for about an hour before I felt like I wanted to get what we had recorded. It's still very rough, but I have uploaded the file to the web, and if you would like to hear the song God gave me this week, you can download it here.

I realize that the actual music itself may not be "your style", but I've included a text file of the words in the download.

Also, if I didn't send you that Prodigal video which was forwarded to me, you can see that here.

God bless

Getting older. Taking bullets.

2007-02-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

In 27 minutes, I'll be 39.

That's a big number. I'm not sure how I got here. I don't feel that old, I'm told constantly that I don't look anywhere near that old, and Lord knows I often don't act that old.

But. I am that old.

When my mother was 39, I was 19. I am 39 and my sister Sarah is 20 and has lived with me since she was 15.

NOW I understand some things better.

I'm reminded all the time how old I am. The other day, Dennis Johnson died. He was 52. My mother was 52 when she died. It's way too young.

I remember watching DJ when I was growing up and the Celtics were a proud NBA franchise. He was a professional. I admired him very much.

In 21 minutes I will be 39.

Next year I will be 40. I believe that's supposed to mean something.

My best friend came down this weekend for the Moody Walkworthy Conference. It was a great weekend and we had a good time. There are just some things you can say to your friend of 20 years that you can't say to other friends. And some things you don't have to say.

In 18 minutes I'll be 39.

Life is good. But I am always melancholy when Chris leaves. Last night at dinner I had a moment where I really had to ask myself why I am depriving myself of his constant companionship and still living in Ohio. God knows. That's the only answer I need.

In 15 minutes I will be 39.

If I don't make it that long, that will be okay with me. Yesterday Chris and I talked about something Michael Easley said during his talk on Saturday. He was speaking about the sacrifice that God made by letting His son come to earth and die for our sins, and what a magnificent sacrifice that was. Easley said that he might be willing to sacrifice himself for one of us, but he certainly wouldn't be willing to sacrifice one of his children. That really hit home with Chris.

I understood it as well. I told Chris though, that there probably weren't very many people I wouldn't be willing to take a bullet for. First, I am okay with dying. I know where I am bound and I can't wait to get there.

When I was younger, when I knew the truth of God but refused to be obedient, I didn't realize the danger I was placing myself in. Like many young men, I believed myself the privilege of making my own decisions and having complete control of my life outweighed the risks involved.

They didn't. I have the scars to prove it.

I have a good life. I am happy much of the time. I laugh freely and often. I have a peace and a joy in my heart. I have a hope for the future and an anticipation for what God is bringing next into my life. This is how I spend most of the minutes of my days.

In two minutes I will be thirty-nine.

I miss my mother. I want to see Aaron, the son I held once. I miss my wife. Scars don't go away. This is how I spend the other minutes.

These are the events God used to refine me, to build perseverance and steadfastness. He has made me stronger. I am thankful for these events. I am not the fool that I once was.

I am 39.

My father told me that I had become a fine man and that he was proud of me. I know my mother is too. My son would not be ashamed to claim me as his father. My God has brought me this far. My Savior is my friend, and I learn more about Him every day.

I am 39, and this is going to be the best year of my life.

Excuses

2007-02-02T00:13:00.000-05:00

So.

For a few years now I've been telling my sister that the choices she was making meant that there would be consequences to pay later. She disregarded me time and again even though she has paid consequences along the way.

This week, she has hit the consequences jackpot though.

I was driving around today thinking about that, and thinking about her tendency to make excuses when confronted with her shortcomings or poor decisions.

Then I began thinking about my own long history of making excuses for my shortcomings and poor decisions. I would like to state for the record that although I have been prone to this, I am more likely to castigate myself.

I began to think though how everyone is always looking for an excuse for their bad behavior, and people always have been since Adam pointed his finger at Eve.

Then I began to think more and I began to get tears in my eyes. I'll explain why in a minute.

I've been telling Sarah that the only way she's going to find peace and satisfaction in life is to live her life the way her Savior wants her to. To live life any other way is to invite him to keep trying to get our attention until we repent.

I was thinking about that, and also listening on the radio as someone was talking about how throughout our life we will always be repenting. We face a never-ending process of sinning and repenting.

I thought to myself that what a loving and wonderful God we serve, because we do not deserve His repeated forgiveness, redemption and restoration. We choose to commit the sins we commit, and there are consequences. The consequence of sin is Hell. Mostly what occurred to me though was that we have no excuses for our sin.

God doesn't care. Jesus didn't care. He knew every sin and He still chose to die for me. For you. For all of us.

That chokes me up. What a mighty God we serve.

Choices and Consequences

2007-01-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

"[T]here is not, of necessity, any such thing as the free hired laborer being fixed to that condition for life. . . . The prudent, penniless beginner in the world labors for wages awhile, saves a surplus with which to buy tools or land for himself; then labors on his own account for awhile, and at length hires another new beginner to help him. This is . . . the just, and generous, and prosperous system, which opens the way for all -- gives hope to all, and . . . improvement of conditions to all. If any continue through life in the condition of the hired laborer, it is not the fault of the system, but because of either a dependent nature which prefers it, or improvidence, folly, or singular misfortune." -
Abraham Lincoln.

I don't know about you, but I love Abraham Lincoln. He was one of my first heroes, perhaps my first "real person" hero after I finished idolizing characters like Big Bird, Superman, Daniel Boone, Davey Crockett and Superman. (When I was three my full name was Randall Christopher Davey Crockett Superman Aquaman Daniel Boone Pa Belanger. Or something like that. My mother knows the full name but she's not with us anymore to refresh my memory.)

I loved the story of Abe Lincoln when I was a boy though. My favorite thing to do was read about Abe when he was a boy. In fact one time I engaged my uncle in helping me duplicate one of Abe's childhood pranks. My uncle lifted me up one evening when my parents were out and helped me "walk" across the ceiling of our living room, leaving my footprints along the way.

As I've grown older I've come to respect Abe even more. Abraham Lincoln is remembered today as the President who abolished slavery, and eventually paid for that crucial victory and his resolve to keep America one country with his life at the hands of an assassin. There was so much more to the man though, so many more parts to his character that ensured that he would be a great man even had he never become President. Central to these characteristics was a work ethic combined with a thirst for knowledge that was nearly unquenchable.

Abraham Lincoln was a man that never received very much formal educational training, but was well known for his intelligence, wit and wisdom. He was tireless in his pursuit of knowledge, and it was this unquenchable search which ultimately helped him secure the Republican nomination for president.

Last week I came across the preceding quote form Lincoln, and it struck a chord in me. It such a stark contrast to how so many people today are living their lives. The way Lincoln depicts it, a man starts out with not very much and works for someone else until he is ready to strike out on his own. Then, after working for himself and establishing himself, he takes on someone else after a period of time and helps them to reach the point where they can strike out on their own.

That may be the America Abe Lincoln lived in, but it certainly doesn't look like the one I live in today. In the America I live in, many people, and they aren't all young, seem to think that there is actually work that is beneath them. In the America where I live, if you aren't able to make ends meet on your own, then you are entitled to government assistance. If something bad happens to you, then you are owed assistance, and if it isn't delivered in a timely enough manner to suit you, then someone else should be excoriated for their failure in getting you the assistance.

For instance, since Hurricane Katrina there was been a great outcry concerning the people that were left stranded to face the brunt of that horrible storm. Everyone from President Bush to the local political machinery has been blamed for the failure to get these people out of that area on time. While there certainly were failures to react to the situation appropriately before and after the storm hit, the fault cannot be left to government agencies alone.

See, here's the thing. This sense of entitlement and the abandonment of the American work ethic in favor of the search for the get-rich-quick solution to life have crippled our country. At no other time in our country has it's citizens enjoyed greater opportunity for advancement than right now, and at no other time in our country has it's citizens been less interested in truly working for that advancement.

Abraham Lincoln enjoyed no opportunity to go to college or even a regular school for that matter. He seized every book that he could get his hands on and he memorized entire chapters along the way. In contrast, today there is something in our public schools called "social promotion", whereby a child will be advanced to the next grade level when falling behind students of the same age based basically on their attitude and ability of the student not to bother the teacher while they are trying to teach the children who are actually doing the work assigned. Abraham Lincoln would be ashamed.

I've seen people lambasted for suggesting that as horrible as it was for people to have had to endure Hurricane Katrina, that some of them should bear the responsibility of having been there. On a more general level, I've seen and heard, and even experienced people being ridiculed and labeled as not having any compassion for suggesting that people that live in the poorer parts of our cities and our country bear some, or even most, of the responsibility for the state of their lives.

The shame of it is, that is just the plain truth. I grew up in Duggan projects in Indian Orchard, MA. My mother was a single parent when it wasn't en vogue to be one. To make matters worse, she had a second child when I was two years old. I never found out about him until I was 16, and I'll never forget the day my mother told me or the way she explained it.

My mother simply said that she had to make a decision. She told me she knew that at 21 years old she simply didn't have the resources to give us both the opportunities that she wanted us to have, and that ultimately keeping us both would just limit where we could go in life. She decided then, to keep me and give him up for adoption in the hopes that he would be given to a family that would love him and care for him.

It wasn't hard for me to see how painful a decision it had been for her, because while we had this conversation, she couldn't stop crying. I love my mother. She was a wonderful woman and I know that Christ was well pleased with the way she lived her life before she went home to be with Him. I hurt that she hurt. But here is the thing, I know it's her own fault. She made choices along the way to put herself in the situation that she was in, and when you make the choices that she made, you have to face the consequences of those decisions.

I know that from personal experience as well. For instance, I firmly believe that I could have gone to an Ivy League school. For years I was always at the top of my class, my standardized test scores in school were always the highest you could get in every subject, and I was always in the top classes. Then I made the choice to begin experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and eventually I dropped out of high school. Nobody forced me to do it, I chose it for myself. I alone bear the responsibility to begin to lead that life, and I alone bear the responsibility for the consequences I faced as I continued to lead that life year after year.

There are people I have come in contact with throughout the years that would not believe that I am the person I am today. There are people I have disappointed, offended and hurt who would have a difficult time believing that I am a genuinely devoted to God. Those are the consequences you face when you make a choice to express your faith in God and then continue to live a hedonistic lifestyle. I bear the responsibility for that.

In my life my poor decisions have caused me to live at friends house, to live in my car and to have to work at jobs that nobody in their right mind would choose to do. My poor decisions have caused me to live a life filled with more pain that I had to deal with. Now, today I can praise God because I realize that God was using all of those experiences to refine me, and also to make me realize that I was choosing to live that way.

In the same light, when you fail to take your education seriously, and you fail to respect your elders and those in authority over you, and you refuse to respect your own person, eventually you will have to pay the consequences. There is no escaping that reality. Eventually, you will pay. The choice is up to you. You can pay with wisdom and discipline and afford yourself the opportunity to succeed, or you can forgo wisdom and discipline and pay the consequences. Those consequences are going to be a huge lack of resources, ability and opportunity to achieve the success you might otherwise achieved had you decided to choose differently.

Now, perhaps right now you're reading this and you thing it's very simple and easily understood. I would agree that it is simple, simple to understand anyway. However, it is not very simple to put in practice, because if it were, then we wouldn't have the high rate of people that live below what we call the poverty level in this country. (You know, those poor people living in that nice Section 8 complex with the car and the cable television and the air conditioning.) If it were that simple to put into practice then we wouldn't have the high rate of teenage pregnancy we do in our country. If it were that simple to put into practice then we wouldn't have the high rate of high school drop-outs, or the high rate of drug abuse in our inner city, or the high rate of violent crime in our inner city....or all the other things that rob Americans of the opportunity to succeed.

But make no mistake, in very few of these cases did the victim not also play a part in the situation they fell into. We all face adversity in our lives. How we choose to face that adversity determines our opportunities to succeed. Although we may not bear the responsibility for that adverse situation, such as being born to a family in the inner city, how we choose to handle that adversity is our decision.

We are inspired by stories of men and women who overcame their adverse situations to achieve at high levels. It lifts our hearts and our souls to see someone overcome something which might have been reason for them to stop moving forward. What we don't realize is that there is the potential for a story like that in every one of us. What one man can do, another can do. The problem is, there are too many people waiting for someone else togive them their opportunities. The problem is that there are too many people "majoring in the minors and minoring in the majors."

In my life, I've had two great examples of people overcoming adverse situations to live impacting lives. As I said, my mother was a single parent when to be such was to choose to allow people to look down upon you. Wwe lived in the projects, and we also lived on welfare for awhile when I was younger, up until I was 11. Then my mother decided to go to work as a school bus driver when I went to school. That allowed my parents the financial freedom to move us from the projects to an apartment, and eventually into our own home, and then a better home.

Most importantly, when I was 16 she chose to give her life to Christ, and she chose to repent of all her sins and live her life for Jesus. That afforded her the opportunity to live her life as a child of the King, and it gave her a peace and joy that she had not known. I had to explain to my 20-year old sister the other day that the "Mom" she knew wasn't the same one I had grown up with my first 16 years. My mother had been prone to depression and sadness, not clinical, but her self image was not stellar. After she accepted Christ as her savior however, she changed, and more importantly, God used her to change lives. Especially mine.

So, she could have chosen to stay on welfare, but she chose to work and partner with my father instead to seize the opportunities they could seize. There are a lot of people that I know that made a different choice, people I am know and love and some I am related to, and they have paid the consequences of those choices without fail. There is no easy way. To go back to a different era, we would say that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Even the people that think they are getting a free lunch by accepting government assistance when they are fully capable of working are not really getting a free lunch. They will never be like Abraham Lincoln as long as they continue to make those choices. they will never be respected by their peers as long as they are not willing to exhaust themselves to try and seize all that they can from life like Lincoln did. They will never have resolve like his, or wisdom like his, or self assurance like he had. But hey, they'll have air conditioning.

The other example I had about making intelligent choices was my father. My father is a man with an eighth grade education. He made poor choices when he was younger, and he paid for them by getting in trouble with the law when he was younger. I'll never forget the morning he came to pick me up from work when I was 18 after I had worked third shift at a convenience store. I had just started the job and it was the first time he had picked me up there. When I got in the car and we started to pull away he had this little smile on his face.

After I asked him what that was all about, he related to me that the intersection the store was at was also the same intersection he had flipped a stolen car over at when he was a young teenager. He got away that time, but eventually, his poor choices caught up with him and he was forced to deal with the consequences. Fortunately for him, and me, the consequences were that he joined the United States Marine Corps. It changed his life. And mine.

My father could have chosen differently though. He could have been defiant and spent time in prison instead, but he joined the Corps, and that decision, and other decisions he made over the years have afforded him the opportunities he has had to own cars and houses and boats and go on vacations and all kinds of other things that have added to the quality of his life.

The choices both of my parents made have also had consequences in my life. One night in my early 20's a guy I drove a cab with got shot in the back of the neck in a random act of violence. The two kids didn't even take his money. Thankfully, Joe was spared because the bullet struck a bone and exited his cheek without doing any permanent damage.

It wasn't long after that though that I went to my mother and told her that if I kept making the choices I was making and living life the way I was, that the consequences were that I would be dead before I was 30. I begged her to pay for one year of college. Because my parents had made the choices they had made, they were able to offer me that opportunity. More importantly as it applies to me, my mother chose to introduce the stipulation that I find a Christian college. The consequence of that decision is that my life was radically altered.

There are other consequences as well, and I think they add to the quality of our lives in a way that nothing material ever could. Recently I sent my father a Christmas gift that I thought he would really enjoy. Along with that I also sent him a letter which I had written.

My father and I have not always seen eye to eye about everything, and we have had some very difficult periods in our relationship. I had been thinking though, of all the choices he had made, and how they had impacted my life. Because of that letter, my father knows exactly where he stands with me, and I believe I touched him. Had he made different choices, he might have gotten a very different letter.

Both he and my mother both realized some of those ancillary "consequences" due to the decisions they had made. They both were well respected and well loved. They both enjoyed the satisfaction of having lived lives which touched other people in many ways. Because they both were always so willing to do the right thing, they were well respected and well loved, and that was communicated to them time after time.

Because my father was an honorable man, he was able to get a letter like the one I am going to end with. if he had made different choices he might have gotten a letter with a different tone, or even no letter at all...

Dear Dad,

Well, it's only about 20 days past Christmas or so and I am finally getting these things in the mail. I have a lot of excuses, but mostly it's Nancy's fault. If she hadn't divorced me then I would still be able to get things like this done on time. I guess I need a good woman back in my life. Problem is, they all annoy me, at least the ones I've met recently. I'm holding out for the one that doesn't want me to change, doesn't look at me as the answer to all of their problems (because I have enough of my own I need the answer to) and is capable of taking care of business on their own and doesn't need me to do everything for them. In short, I'm probably
going to die alone.

So actually, I was holding off on sending this gift to you because I wanted to write you a letter to go along with it. I watched this series myself last fall and it really moved me, and I thought of you all the way through it. I'm not sure if you are familiar with this story, but Band of Brothers is the true story of Able Company in the 101st Airborne Division as told by actual members. As I sat and watched the story of what these men went through, from D-Day right up until the end of the war, I couldn't help but get emotional over the sacrifices these men and their
families made for our country. When I thought about it even more and considered that most of these guys were about as old as Sarah is now, it impacted me even more. When I was the same age as these guys all I seemed to do was waste time. They were being shelled by artillery.

I wanted you to see it though, because while I was watching it, I thought of you. Dad, I just wanted you to know how much I respect you and love you. Throughout the last 39 years or so, we have definitely butted heads with one another, and I know I share most of the blame for those times we did. There never has been a time though when I wasn't proud to have you as my dad. This is no slam to any of the other men in our family, but in my eyes, I think probably in most of our eyes, Bray and Belanger, you are the best of us all.

Dad, I don't know what you did in the Marine Corps other than demolitions, but I do know that you were in Cuba, and Gitmo isn't supposed to be all beaches and surfing. I also know that you came home from the Corp in 1974 and immediately stepped into the role of being my father, and I remember, I really still do, how excited I was when you adopted me and I took your name. Like any parent, there was a learning curve, but you never gave up trying no matter how much of a disappointment I have been throughout the years. And we don't have to pull punches, I have screwed up along the way.

I also remember that YOU earned our way out of the projects. Not only that, you did it by getting up and going to work day after day, without fail, to a job that most people couldn't do. As I look back now and have the benefit of time to help me out, that means even more to me. The last time I checked, xxxxxxxxxx was dealing heroin, and he was dealing it to his cousin xxxxxxxx. The last time I checked that kid xxxxxxxxxxx I played basketball with was in jail for life for shooting another kid that I went to Kennedy with. In fact, the last time I checked, all of the
kids that I grew up with were either still living in the projects, dealing or using drugs, or dead.

Dad, you didn't jump into a burning building to save me, but what you did was even more significant. You didn't rescue me from the fate my childhood friends have found by doing one thing. You rescued me day after day, over a period of decades, as a matter of will. You earned me the opportunities that I have had. You carried us all on your back, and you did it while the whole time becoming a better and better man. I was watching. I learned. I wanted to be just like you in a lot of ways. I am just like you in a lot of ways.

And that wasn't the only time you saved me either. When Nancy became frustrated with me because I lacked a work ethic and wanted me to leave, I had your example to fall back on. I may not have had a lot of experience with hard work, but I had certainly seen it done. Mostly though, I knew that you just did what you had to do to get by, no matter what the cost, and I learned that from you. It was as much of a surprise to me that when I started roofing they gave me my own truck. Even though the change ultimately didn't save my marriage, when Nancy did leave and I felt like just laying down and dying, I kept going to work day after day because Sarah
needed me to. I would never have been able to do that without your example to follow.

So, as I sat and watched these videos, all of these things went through my head. I thought of the sacrifices that you had made along the way to put food on the table, clothes on my back and money in my pocket. I thought of all of the things that I have in my life, and how much I owe you for everything, and I just wanted to tell you, even though this letter barely begins to convey to you everything I feel, how much I appreciate everything you did for us. I wanted to tell you that, as I approach my own 40th birthday, the example you provided helped me to get here,
and the struggles you went through help me appreciate everything I have.

I have a lot of things I want to say actually, but I could write for days and not feel like I was doing a good enough job of saying everything I want to say. I'll just finish with two things then. I'm always having to explain to people that you aren't my biological father, because I'm one of the few people I know that refers to their step dad as just Dad. That's because I don't know how to think of you any other way. More specifically, and perhaps a better way to explain what I
am trying to say, the other day Sarah asked me if I had any idea if I knew who my "real father" was. I told her I really didn't have any idea, but that isn't really true. I know exactly who my "real" father is. His name is Vernon Bray, and I am proud to call him Dad. I am proud to be his son.

I love you Dad, I hope you enjoy the video.

Love,

Randy

About Me

2007-01-09T14:15:00.000-05:00

Feel free to leave your answers in the comments section for everyone to enjoy. You can email too if your answers are just for me.

Four Jobs I have had in my life:

1. Cab Driver
2. Sportswriter
3. English Teacher in South Korea
4. Human Services Supervisor with abused and neglected children

Four Movies I would watch over and over:

1. Forrest Gump
2. Braveheart
3. The Shawshank Redemption
4. The Godfather

Four Places I have lived:

1. Springfield, MA
2. Beaver Falls, PA
2. Brooklyn, NY
3. TangJin, South Korea

Four TV shows I loved to watch:

1. MASH
2. CSI
3. Law and Order (any version)
4. Red Sox baseball

Four places I have been on Vacation

1. Disney World
2. St Lucia in the Carribbean
3. Jamaica, Mon
4. Montreal

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Steak
2. sliced red peppers with dill dip
3. Cheeseburger grinder...lol...I know some of you have no idea what a grinder is.
4. Cheesecake

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Heaven
2. A cabin somewhere in the woods with all the books I don't have the time to read
3. Recording Studio
4. Seoul

Friends I think will respond:

I'm leaving this section blank. I'm interested in your answers, but no pressure

Four celebrities I would like to meet:

1. David Crowder
2. George W. Bush
3. David Ortiz
4. Bill Cowher

All I Can Say

2007-01-02T01:52:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year Everyone.

This is the Powerpoint I made and we showed while I sang "All I Can Say" this Sunday in church.

The Meaning of Running with Scissors

2006-12-05T01:34:00.000-05:00

Over the past couple of months I have seen an interesting trend when viewing the statistics of this site. At least once a week, someone is redirected to this site from Google after having done a search for "meaning of running with scissors" or something very similar. Due to this phenomena, I wanted to be a good internet citizen and provide you with the definition you are searching for.

I was tempted to offer said definition at the end of this blog post and make you read through some things I really want to say to you, but I'm not going to do that. I will simply ask that you take a minute or two to check out some of the other posts on my blog, and maybe even leave a comment or two.

I also wanted you to know that I have prayed specifically for those of you who found your way here in this manner.

Without further ado, here is my definition.

Running with Scissors:

1. A common American colloquialism which means to live life in such a way that you coherently recognize the inherent dangers of your actions, yet you participate/perform said actions nonetheless. (see "You'll poke your eye out")

2. A recent book which passes itself off as literature but which really depicts the troubled young life of it's author by using descriptions of pedophelia and homosexuality so graphic that I can not think of this book without physical revulsion. Hollywood has of course embraced it and made an "award winning" movie.

The "Why is This News" story of the day

2006-11-28T10:39:00.000-05:00

This is hardly news.....

;^D

Three

2006-11-23T01:28:00.000-05:00

Three.

Half of six.

The magic number.

We used to listen to that song and smile. I remember the days, even if she has put them behind her. We liked the part where it said "Man and a woman had a little baby...."

And then we had a little baby.
And then he was gone.

And we were broken.

Pushing God.

Disobedient.
Disciplined.
Distraught.

Three.

The number of years since I took that trip to MA with the cat we were going to leave with friends there because we had rescued those two litters from our parking lot.

We couldn't possibly keep five cats...could we?

Three years since we talked on the phone and decided that we couldn't part with little Sable. So, three years since I took Sable on a road trip to MA and back.

Three.

The number of years since she left.

I didn't know she would leave me when I got back.
I didn't know she could look so happy, so maniacal as she was driving that dagger into my heart.

Liar.

I always knew.

Three years since I was left alone in the world. On my own for the first time. Nobody to enable me. Nobody to bail me out.

All me.

Three years later I am so thankful.

Not for the leaving.

For the loving.
For the faithfulness.
For the patience.
For the care.

From God.

Every step.
Every tear.
Every fall.

He was there.

He is love.

New Videos

2006-11-17T01:58:00.000-05:00

Good evening everyone,

Well, it took me all evening, and I'm not going to be real thrilled about it at 7:00, but I got all of the video from last Saturday nights show converted and uploaded to Youtube. It was really a great time, especially since I hadn't played with a band in front of people for more than a decade. The kids really got into it, and we felt very blessed to be there. Here are the links (in order) to check out the songs and my brief talk. Have a good evening.

Randy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=us959S2S4MY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDel2NjjGkA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l9zvwcEs398

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H77vMx3aUvk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oa3gEL5Ei6o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UEpiXZRHcQ

He Recognizes My Name OR That's My Dad

2006-10-30T23:32:00.000-05:00

This is from an email I wrote to a friend today while at work. I was inspired, and then I was inspired to post it here as well.

I finally have a working computer again by the way, so I hope to be posting more again.

Hey,

Just sitting here and listening to that Watermark CD I borrowed from you a couple months ago. I will get this back to you as soon as possible by the way, now that I have my PC up and running again I can burn it, because there are songs I want to burn to do for special music. After Sunday and the harmonies that just sounded so sweet, I have some ideas for things that I think we can accomplish that will just bless that church. We have so much talent there, so many beautiful voices....

Anyway, I honestly had only listened to the song "Glory Baby" which you recommended and is a blessing, comfort and encouragement to me all at once. I can't wait to see my son. (The first words of this song were originally about that...I know you probably won't be able to access that from work btw) Sometimes I feel like I have so many bad moments, like my sin is just too much, but it just feels so good, better than I can describe, and it always makes my heart soar, and sore, that he knows, he KNOWS, that his daddy finally got it right and gave his life completely to God. Finally. He can be proud to claim me finally.

And that isn't even what I was writing to you about, but another song on the CD got me all emotional.

I was listening to "Who am I", and I was really liking the song. I was sitting here arranging it in my head and imagining how to expand it to include more voices, and then it got near the end and she sang:

"Who am I, that you would recognize my name?"

And man, it just floored me.

Honestly, I want people to know my name. I do. I think it's for the right reasons too. Mostly. I would love for people to know my name like they know David Crowder's name, or Shane and Shane...you know. I would get so much satisfaction from knowing that I was being used by God to touch people's lives, to reach them where they're at.

I would also get so much satisfaction from playing music all the time, it brings me so much joy. I am built for that and that life. It may not be here, but I am sure that one day either here or in heaven, I will get to play in a great band.

But it struck me when she sang that, that all of that, being known here as a musical evangelist, as a man of God, whatever....that's all good.....but it just is so insignificant when compared to the fact that God already recognizes my name! He knows who I am, and He knows why I do what I do.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really don't care if I get that life or if the extent of my "musical career" is leading praise and worship at our church. I told God last year that I was giving over control of my gifts to Him for whatever He wanted. Not my will but His be done.

This morning, after hearing those words and having this epiphany that the God of the Universe, the Creator of all things knows me...you know, it's funny, but just this morning I was driving to work and asking myself what the difference was between me and my old friends all those years I wandered. What was the source of my confidence all that time I was screwing my life up? I know it was a source of consternation for some people, and I think some people thought I was pretty confident for a guy that hadn't amounted to much.

This morning though, I concluded that the difference, the source of my confidence, was simply that no matter how far I wandered, I never lost my faith. I always knew who God was, I always knew how my "story ended", I just didn't accept the responsibility that came along with all of that. I didn't let God on my throne.

What people never saw though, was the inner turmoil, the hurts, the sense of failure that comes with the knowledge that your life isn't what it could be and the knowledge that the fault lies solely with you. That's how I felt for...decades...

Today though, just thinking that Jesus could turn with a smile to the Father and say "Yesterday Randy almost screwed that song up because he started daydreaming in the middle" and the Father wouldn't even have to ask, "Randy who?" That's amazing. I want to always feel the way I feel right now about the simple, and simply amazing, fact that God knows my name.

I can't even write "God knows my name" right now without being flooded with emotions and having to blink back the tears.

I would love for people to know my name. I would love to have David Crowder call me and say "Hey come play guitar with us", or just some stranger stop me on the street and tell me that God had used me to bless them....that would be great, and I daydream about those things happening someday.

But I already live in a world where God recognizes my name. I want so bad to keep my priorities straight so that always means more.

I was just going to send you a short note.....lol.

God bless you.

Randy

I live with me every day

2006-10-15T23:37:00.000-04:00

I went to Homecoming at Geneva College this weekend. I won't give you the cliche, because I absolutely can believe that it's been ten years since I graduated. If you know me, or have spent any time at all reading this blog, you know that the last decade of my life has been full to say the least.

I loved being back to Geneva, but it was a little bittersweet at the same time. Walking through campus, watching the students interact, I felt really sad that I was now an outsider. Geneva meant so much to me, and I got to share a little bit of why with some people over the weekend.

I came to Geneva in 1992. I was a high schol dropout with a GED. I was making my way on attitude and bravado, riding a 1000+ score on a PSAT...I took with a hangover. I felt like I was cheating the system. That is so funny to me now. I felt like I had found a way to get around the corners, that it was all me. How differently that story gets told today.

Now I realize that in spite of me, God blessed me by allowing me to be admitted to Geneva all those years ago. In spite of my disobedience, God allowed me to be admitted and to eventually graduate. I think I was probably right about one thing back then though. When I went to my mother after one of the other cab drivers got shot, begged her for money for college and told her that if I didn't get an education that I would be dead by the time I was thirty...I was probably right.

My life was going downhill fast when God brought me to Geneva.

It wasn't all roses though. It was quite an adjustment for someone that had spent the better part of 3 years regularly associating with drunks, crack addicts, prostitutes and their clientele to be required to attend mandatory chapel.

So, I'd like to tell you that after four years I walked out of Geneva a completely changed man. That wasn't the case though. I had made strides, for sure, and I had a better grasp of the Bible and my personal theology. I still had God on hold though. I was still too willing to live my own life.

Still, as I normally reflect on my years at Geneva, I look on them with extreme fondness and thanfulness. I know that Geneva changed my life. All I have to do is check up on some of the people I knew 15 years ago and see where life has taken them to note that, there but for the grace of God go I.

And it's in light of that line of thinking that I can honestly say that I am thankful for the storms, I praise God for the tears, that I wouldn't have it any other way. God has refined me, and I long to serve him.

Still, I have plenty of times, sometimes minute by minute, that I feel like I know exactly how Paul felt when he said:

Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ

How could I know the Gospel of Christ, how can I have a personal relationship with Jesus himself and still sin the way I do? I know the answer to that question, but nonetheless, I realize more and more how graceful and holy God has to be to forgive a man like me.

So while I was sitting here tonight thinking about some of the ways I've failed over the past week, something I heard from a few people yesterday came back to me. Each person used different words of course, but the basic meaning was:

"I can see that God has moved in your life, you are not the same Randy Bray you were ten years ago."

They're right. He has moved, and He has moved me. He has moved me right off of the throne in my life (although at times I've led a failed coup or two). Thing is though, I live with me every day, and sometimes it takes someone that doesn't to highlight the changes we go through. I feel blessed today. Blessed to know that someone else, a couple someone's as a matter of fact, were able to see the power of God displayed through the way He has changed me.

If for no other reason than that, all of the storms, all of the tears, they were worth having lived through. This world is not my home. I can endure anything for this brief moment, because I will spend eternity with God, and these things will fade in comparison to being with God.

Purpose Driven life Chapter 3

2006-10-05T21:03:00.000-04:00

So very busy. So very, very busy.

So very blessed. So very, very blessed

I am reading through the Purpose Driven Life with my best friend. Praise God.

Every day I write down my notes and send them to him. Most days they are just bullet points---yes, I know it's the third chapter and how could I say "most days" when this has only happened two other days...well, I've read through the book before...some of it...and I took notes before, but they weren't much more than the bullet points---but today as soon as I got to the initial Scripture (Eccleciastes 4:4) a big bomb went off in my head and I read and wrote for an over an hour. Here is the result.

PDL CHAPTER THREE NOTES

Okay, this chapter really got me going. I read the first Bible reference (Ecc 4:4) and had a full page and a half written just from that before I even got into the chapter....I'm not sure which to start with, I'll start with what I noted from the chapter first I guess and then expound on Eccleciastes.

Chap 3

Everyone's life is driven by something.

Nothing matters more than knowing God's purposes for your life, and nothing can compensate for not knowing them.

Without a purpose life is:

Motion without meaning
Activity without direction
Events without reason.

Five benefits of having a purpose:

1. Knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life

a. We were made to have meaning.
b. When life has meaning, you can bear almost anything.
Without it, nothing is bearable. <--Me after Patty broke my heart at 21

No God = No purpose = No meaning = No hope

2. Knowing purpose simplifies life.

a. Purpose gives us a foundation to make decisions, allocate time and resources.
Otherwise, we're just spinning our wheels and making decisions on the fly...or...see
me in my early20's? (Well, part of the time)

3. Knowing purpose gives focus

a. This is the biggest benefit for me I think. Without purpose, I definitely live a life
of "aimless distraction."

p II pg 32 = me without purpose

b. When light is focused enough (laser) it can cut through steel

4. Knowing purpose gives us motivation.

a. Nothing energizes you like a clear purpose. Purpose produces passion

b. I am a passionate person by nature, but the only thing that has produces sustained
passion in my life is serving God.

5. Knowing purpose prepares us for eternity

a. We're not here to leave a legacy, but so many people think they are. We're here to
prepare for eternity, which so many aren't

Okay, that's all the notes I took out of the chapter. Some good stuff, but the thing that impacted me the most was that "Ecc 4:4" verse, specifically the "chasing after the wind" part. it reminds me of what you and I have talked about, about how people get so caught up in things that aren't important. How they get trapped by trying to get ahead, to do more, have more, get more, be more...in the end, it's all meaningless...it's all fruitless...like chasing the wind.

So the verse caught me up because I had read through the first few chapters of Eccleciastes last fall in Sunday School and it inspired probably my first real "favorite" song of mine that I thought was musically and lyrically as good as what anyone else was singing about on the radio:

You can listen here

Holy is the Lord

All this vanity, All this pride, Never filling, the whole inside
Nothing new, Underneath the sun, You can chase the wind, as fast as you can run
You'll never find, the satisfaction that you seek, Never know, what is promised to the meek,
He counts the hairs, up upon your head, He knows your days, until the one when you'll lay dead

Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD

You know the truth, but you’re caught in a lie, obligated, to your foolish pride
You know the Word, that can save your soul, but you can't give up, this illusion of control,
Turn your ear, to the wisdom offered you, Apply your heart, to understanding what is true,
You'll find a treasure, worth more than all the gold, that you could count, in all the days until you grow old

Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD

You are so magnificent, Father
I consecrate this day to you,
Help me LORD, to be mindful of your ways,
In everything I say and do

So after that I went and read through all of Eccleciastes up until 4:4. I really like Eccleciastes because it was written by Solomon, the wisest of all men. I wrote it before in one of my first blogs that I thought given the choices Solomon had (money, power, wisdom) I would have chosen the wisdom as well. lol. I think I'm that wise. lol.

Anyway, I do aspire to be wise, not because of pride, just because I like to know the "answers" so that I can help.

So, i went back and read through and these are my notes from that.

----1:1-11, 2:14-16

Solomon points out that:

One generation comes, it goes, and another comes.
The sun rises, the sun sets, and the sun goes back around to rise again.
The wind goes South. the wind goes North. the wind completes its circuit and goes South again.
A river runs into the sea, but the sea never fills.

And then he clarifies what he is saying with:

That which has been will be.
That which is done is what will be done
There is nothing new under the sun.

And I love that, because it proves that thousands of years ago there was a man that believed the same things we believe now; that people were wasting their time trying to accomplish things which could never be accomplished. People were consumed with filling their lives with things that ultimately just didn't matter at all. It points to something which I believe, which is that the people that think we are becoming more enlightened as a race are fools. We are not progressing, we are driven by the same things that have always driven us. Lust, greed, power...nothing has changed...man is man is man.

And when you combine that with what Solomon says further in, in Ecc 2:14-16

14 The wise man has eyes in his head,
while the fool walks in the darkness;
but I came to realize
that the same fate overtakes them both.

15 Then I thought in my heart,
"The fate of the fool will overtake me also.
What then do I gain by being wise?"
I said in my heart,
"This too is meaningless."

16 For the wise man, like the fool, will not be long remembered;
in days to come both will be forgotten.
Like the fool, the wise man too must die!

It demonstrates that whether, as the book says, people are driven by; guilt, anger, fear, materialism or the need for approval, there is one thing that is certain....it's all pointless. It's all meaningles because it has all been done before and except for the exceptionally exceptional, the most wise of the wise (Solomon...Lincoln...Einstein...Edison) and the most foolish of the foolish, which to me means the most evil of evil because that is foolish to it's furthest degree, except for the most foolish of the foolish then (Hitler....Stalin....Nero.....Paris Hilton...lol)....except for these few people in all of history....NOBODY IS REMEMBERED AND NOTHING LASTS.

I know that was a giant run on sentence...but I'm writing as I would speak...I need to clean it up though.

Back to chapter one though, specifically 1:18, Solomon say he:

sought wisdom and found grief.

The notes in my Bible say:

"The very process of learning is an expansion of the awareness of our ignorance"

--- And that reminds me directly of what we were talking about when I pointed out that Paul said that he was the chief of sinners. That what Paul meant was that the longer he lived and the more days that he had to know God and how perfect and holy God is, the more Paul realized how little he deserved the mercy and grace that was given to us on the cross. Get it?

And then Solomon says that he sought happiness in wine and mirth (pleasure) and accomplishment amongst other things but he:

2:11 still had a sense that nothing lasting or enduring had been achieved

And I think this is where some people get caught up, because I know that there is something in me that says:

"Well, that sucks. That's not fair. You mean that there is nothing I can do here on this earth, there is nothing I can build or write or accomplish that is going to give me satisfaction?"

Well, first, that isn't what it means, but for my point about people getting caught up here and, specifically getting caught up and not being willing to turn their lives over to God, it's important to note that this is what I felt it was saying.

I think some people are selfish enough that they will turn away from God rather than having to find their pleasure in doing things for His pleasure rather than their own. What am I saying?! We're all that selfish, otherwise, once you became a Christian you would never sin out of pride again. And that just isn't the case. We forget Him in a heartbeat sometimes if we are presented the opportunity to claim a victory as our own!

The reason that 2:11 doesn't mean that we can never have a satisfaction in our accomplishments though is found in 2:24-26:

24 A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God,

25 for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?

26 To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God.

It's not that we can't have the sense of satisfaction or accomplishment, rather, think of it this way:

I think most people would agree that you get a better sense of accomplishment and happiness from that which you have done for others than that which you have done for yourself. Well, taken a step further, that means that the ultimate and lasting sense of accomplishment and joy comes from that which you have done for God, or in obedience to God.

And that also ties into the 5th benefit that Warren points out:

Knowing our purpose prepares us for eternity.

When we:

1. Know God
2. Know His purpose for our lives
3. Act in obedience to Him and fulfill that purpose

We are living life as we will live it for all eternity.

---So, then we come to the most famous bits of Eccleciastes, and this is where I wrote the ultimate run on sentence.

Ecc 3:1-8

A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

In my Bible notes it points out that some say that the Eccleciastes is actually a negative book, while others say that it shows that apart from God, life is utter emptiness. I don't believe either. I just believe that apart from God, life is nowhere near as joyful, focused and satisfying as life in his presence.

But, to sum up Ecc 1 all the way through 3:8, I think it shows that "it's all been done" and apart from:

a. the presence of God
b. the knowledge of His purpose for your life
c the knowledge that God is in control of all and that there is a time for everything
according to his purpose and His plan

apart from those three thing all that is left is one big cycle that:

a. may or may be satisfying
b. may or may not allow us to have some sense of peace in our lives (but not nearly the
sense one gets from knowing and trusting God)
c. may or may not allow you to have joy

Man, apart from those things, I'm sorry, but life sucks. Apart from those three things there must be hopelessness. What can you put your hope in other than God that you can always trust to bring you satisfaction, peace and joy?? NOTHING!!

Apart from those three things then, I believe Solomon is saying there is only madness.

And (here is where the run on sentence starts in my notes) it is okay, is acceptable to say that if you live apart from those three things that you are mad, that it is madness, because:

- to choose any other choice but to serve the GOD that made you is utter madness

- to choose any other choice but to love the God that loved you enough to GIVE YOU LIFE IN THE FIRST PLACE is madness

- to choose any other choice but to serve the God that loved you enough to pay the price for your transgressions, your sin, your willful disobedience....to choose any other choice than to choose to give your life over to the God that made you, and loved you and died for you on a CROSS after being BEATEN and HUMILIATED....

- to choose any other choice...

- to not choose the choice to serve Him, and instead choose to go it alone in the world where eveil lurks and waits to eat your life and soul

- to not choose to serve Him and instead choose eternity in Hell

- and to make such a bad choice and then act in varying degrees as if those people that have chosen to live their lives for the Creator of the Universe, the Creator of their very bodies and breath...

- to choose SO POORLY, and then act as if the people that have chosen so logically and well....to act as if they are simple and foolish......

well....that IS madness.......

Freud and the 3 Stooges....

2006-09-19T17:41:00.000-04:00

While I was in MA over Labor Day weekend, one of my cousins gave me a paper I had written in college that she somehow came to be in possession of. I was just reading through it to see how much stuff I've forgotten in ten years when I came across the following analogy.

Many people believe that the Id is the "Moe" of the psychological realm, but this just isn't so. The Id is the "Larry". He doesn't really know why he slaps Moe, he just knows that after Moe disturbs his restful state, slapping Moe makes him happy.

The Id alone is uncontrollable. It has no sense of reality, and will take any action it deems necessary to maximize pleasure and/or minimize pain. The Id is totally unconscious.

The Ego is the "Moe" of the group. the Ego is rooted in both the unconscious and conscious, and the Ego knows what the needs of the Id are and how to gain those needs while avoiding painful consequences. His role is in planning actions to do just that, much like Moe is always looking to make the maximum profit (desired need) for the Stooges while completing the least work (painful consequence). The Ego mediates between the Id, the Superego and reality to maximize pleasure and avoid pain.

By default that makes the Superego the "Curly Joe" of the trio. The Superego strives for perfection. Although rooted in both the conscious and unconscious states, the Superego tries to influence the Ego to behave idealistically rather than realistically.

For the record. The paper was 12 pages long, and that was the extent of my Stooges analogies....although there was this little bit about the Ego and shopping:

The Id behaves very similarly to the way a man shops. For instance, a woman can enter a store, touch every single item on the rack and not make a single purchase. Men are different.

If a man is standing outside when the weather changes and he becomes cold, the man will enter a store and purchase a jacket. When he returns outside wearing the jacket, he is no longer cold. The Id behaves in much the same way in attempting to maximize homeostasis. The Id maintains status quo until interrupted. When this occurrs, the Id takes action to return back the initial status.

Also for the record...I got an A.

Vacation

2006-09-01T11:03:00.000-04:00

I am on vacation in MA.

Today I woke up early, then sat outside and enjoyed a book in the cool New England morning.

Going back outside now.

Autumn is coming.

Apparently... (Quick run through current events)

2006-08-19T01:28:00.000-04:00

Apparently...August is my "vacation from blogging" month....

Actually, I've had tons to write about, but not the time. It's 1:30 in the AM for instance. Just got back from my Associate pastor's house (who knew pastor s stayed up that late, huh?) and watching the 200th episode of Stargate-SG, which was prtty average. Actually, he really likes the shows and I am a big Sci-fi/Fantasy fan (For instance I am one of the 7 people...including the author...that even knows there was a second Stargate book, and one of three to have read it) so we have a good time watching these shows together.

The big news this week though is that as we speak, I am batting in a softball game. Seriously. It's the top of the 7th, the score is tied 22-22, there are men on 1st and 2nd base and I am at the plate. Those were the circumstances on Monday night in our church's Quarterfinal playoff game when we finally had to call the game because of rain. So next Monday, we will resume the game from that point....no pressure for me at all [end sarcasm].

Actually, as much as I want to move on and win the championship, even if we lose I really feel like our team walks away winners. I know how cliche' that sounds, but it's true. As a coach it has been such a blessing for me to watch these guys this year go out there and represent our Lord and our church with such poise and gentleness. Their testimony has been above reproach, and even better, other coach's and teams have noted it to me and to us as a whole. I am humbled to think that God has put me in charge of such a wonderful group of guys. I know I'm not worth it, but I aspire to be, and it keeps me focused on trying to live each day for my Master and Savior.

Praise God.

It's all Israel's fault??!!

2006-07-29T01:23:00.000-04:00

Local media tonight ran a story about an American family that lived near Cleveland. The family had been visiting Lebanon when the current situation was set off. The husband told how he was shocked that the Israeli response had been so severe when their two soldiers were kidnapped. I believe he said the response was out of proportion for two kidnappings?

Really?

Well what is proportionate? I mean how do we judge that? Even more pertinent, how proportionate do you think it would be if it was your son that was kidnapped by a terrorist group?

I became more and more annoyed, to the point of outright anger even, as I watched the family being interviewed. They talked as if the reaction from Israel was completely unwarranted, like it would be if some one bumped into you on the sidewalk and you ran them over with your car.

I hate people like that. Hate is a strong word, I know. Okay, I can't stand people that are passive aggressive little ninnies, people that do something that is completely inconsiderate and then wrinkle their lips at you when you respond unfavorably.

As I sat there and watched this family, I saw a lot of wrinkled lips.

When are these people going to learn? Will they ever learn? Israel does not play games. They are very patient for long periods of time, but eventually, after enough bombs have gone off and enough blood is spread in the streets, they retaliate. Make no mistake about it, this is not (as the media likes to call it) a cycle of violence.

This is one country that is constantly tormented by a group of people that lack all civility and who are forced to respond with force because of it. I just don't like the way the media uses the "cycle of violence" phrase to describe the situation, because that infers that Israel is equally responsible for the situation, and that isn't the case.

So this family droned on and on to the oh-so-concerned reporter about how terrible the conditions there were, and pointed their accusatory fingers right at Israel. Here's the thing though. You people that want Israel to stop acting with force in the Middle East....get the stinking terrorists to stop blowing people up, kidnapping soldiers, renegging on peace agreements, etc.

The problem doesn't lie with Israel's response you fools, it lies with what they are responding to.

And as for this family and the rest of you that like to point your fingers in Israels direction....

One hundred rockets were fired into Israel today. Most news reports I saw were filmed in Lebanon and told the story of how unfortunate the citizens there were,and the plight of foreigners that still remained there. I didn't see any stories about Israeli citizens. I guess their plight doesn't matter....

VBS Lessons

2006-07-28T00:44:00.000-04:00

I started writing this last week during VBS, but never got the chance to finish it. Then I finally did and added all of two paragraphs.....lol.

I'm helping to teach the lessons this year in VBS. I'm very honored to have been chosen for this responsibility, as this is the lynchpin to everything else that occurs each night at Vacation Bible School.

Tonight the lesson was from Mark 2 and the story of the paralyzed man. Tonight I was responsible for the behind the scenes portion of the lesson, and while I was busy doing my tasks I was thinking about the story.

In case the rest of my blogging hasn't given it away, I am a very empathetic person. When I study the Bible then, it is only natural for me to think about what a person might have been thinking and feeling when certain events were taking place. So tonight, I was thinking about those friends that cut the hole in the roof.

Work with me here and imagine your four closest friends. Imagine that tomorrow, you go out and suffer a horrific accident and you are left completely paralyzed. Now, imagine that you live in a 3rd world country, and there is no hope of physical therapy, or disability payments. Your friends, who are all fishermen and tradesmen, struggle enough to feed themselves and their own families.

Now, think of the hope they have as they hear of this great teacher who has the ability to heal people of even the most dire physical infirmities.

Actually, how much hope do you think they would have? How much hope would you have if you heard about a man such as that? Honestly? I probably wouldn't have a lot to be honest. Sounds like a scam to me.

So the first obstacle then is to even bring your paralytic friend to see Jesus in the first place, although I suppose we can assume that since the whole house was packed that there had been enough reliable testimony to give the four friends genuine hope.

In all reality, there were probably varying degrees of skepticism amongst the friends, but that's not neccesarily important to me right now.

What I was considering tonight during the lesson was how these four friend would have felt once they had taken the effort to hack through that roof and lower their friend into the room where Jesus was sitting and speaking. What I was considering was how these four friend would have felt once all of that had happened and they were witness to Jesus telling their friend to get up and walk....and he did...

Think of yourself as one of the friends.

Now think of how you would have felt about your friends if you were the guy on the mat.

I think there is another lesson here too beneath the surface. It's an extrapolation beyond the point Jesus was teaching, but I wonder if it isn't important nonetheless. Maybe it's even too simple, but I'll tell you anyway.

I think it's important to note that it took four friends.

Forgiveness

2006-07-21T09:23:00.000-04:00

I went way off the reservation last year.

I'm trying to tell you that I fell into sin, (and dove in and didn't come up for air is more like it) but I'm trying to convey that I fell far and hard without shocking you with the details.

There are a number of painful anniversaries that occur for me in the first half of the year.

Every year.

Last year, sometime in the middle of January, I felt my grasp beginning to loosen and that was the beginning of a downward slide that was cut short only by the near-death experience you can read about elsewhere in this blog.

Almost dying had an effect on me though, more profound than I feel adequately capable of expressing. The realization of how I had wasted so many of the past thirty-something years, and how little time I might really have left, caught me up short and made me re-evaluate everything.

I changed. I knew then that it was something that was going to have a lasting effect on me, and after a year I can say that it truly has.

I'm not sure everyone feels that way.

See, some of the things I got involved in came to light, and I know a number of people around me found out some, or even all, of the details. Or maybe it's more accurate to say that a few people found out the details because they either came to me and asked, or I confided in them at one point or another. Other people got information which I am not sure was entirely factual.

Frankly, I'm glad the things that came out did come out. God blessed me, because not having to worry about when that information would come out is a huge relief.

Thing is though, I know one way or another, people got information because there was a behavior change.

The "room" became cooler.

And now we're a year beyond all that, and I find it to be a little upsetting. I'm not angry upset. Honestly, it all makes me a little sad, and I even feel compassion for these people.

Jesus said:

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another"

I know Jesus loves me. I know that Jesus has accepted my repentance as real. I know that if Jesus came to my church, he would talk to me and hang out with me, because that's how Jesus loves.

I have also come to learn over the last year what it means to love like Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I'm still eons away from attaining perfection. I still get angry, I still lust, I could be a better steward in many ways...there are a number of things that I am working on.

There are some things that I have done that were right over the last year too though. I know that I am learning to love like Jesus because I have done things over the last year that went against my better interests, or even in spite of the fact that I had been slighted.

I called my Dad and invited him to visit. I remember the reasons I have to be angry with him, but when I think of him coming to visit I get tears in my eyes. He's my Dad. I have valid reasons to be angry, but I want my father to be impacted for Christ, and so I have to let the Spirit work through me.

Mostly though, I feel like I am learning to love like Jesus because I am modeling it for you as best I can when you look at me with that condescension and judgement written all over your face.

When you fillet me with your eyes and give me that tight little grin, I will always smile and act as if nothing has changed in our relationship. Because for me, nothing has.

I still love you and I still think you are wonderful.

Way Funny

2006-07-17T11:28:00.000-04:00

I needed this today.

Praise God for Rainy Mornings

2006-07-11T00:45:00.000-04:00

Okay, I happen to really like waking up on morning with the windows open to the sound of rain falling. It's very peaceful.

That's not what this is about though, I was just feeling sentimental.

Here's what this is about.

Last year two planes collided at Minneapolis/St. Paul International on the tarmac. Jet fuel spilled all over the runway, and there certainly was the potential for a good number of injuries and fatalities, but ultimately nobody was hurt. Reason? There was no spark created. If you watch the video here you'll see that it was a rainy morning, and I'm sure that had something to do with it.

On another note, how about the brave airport workers that you see in the video helping get the passengers off of both planes. I think I'm going to start an "unsung heroes" website so people can write in and tell about the nice/generous/heroic things others have done for them which went unnoted.

New Song - Sometimes

2006-07-06T06:28:00.000-04:00

Lyrics to the new song I wrote at 2 Am this morning:

Sometimes, I'm Happy. Sometimes, I'm not.
Sometimes, it takes a little. Sometimes, it takes a lot.

Sometimes, I'm forgiven. Sometimes, I forgive
Sometimes, I struggle, with why I'm livin the life I live.

Yeah, Searchin for the finer things.
Yeah, Taking what my life brings
Yeah, Hoping to find that one sunrise
That lasts a lifetime long

Sometimes, it's a minute. Sometimes, the whole day long.
Sometimes, you can't sing it, unless you've lived the song.

Sometimes, all in color. Sometimes, black and white.
Sometimes, I wonder if I'll, ever get this thing right.

Yeah, searchin for the finer things.
Yeah, taking what my life brings.
Yeah, hoping to find that one sunrise,
That last a lifetime long. (2x)

You can download it here and listen if you want. It's not perfect, it was recorded at 2 AM!!
Sometimes quickdump is a pain, but if you retry a few times it usually works.

EDIT- This song has already been rerecorded and you can listen to it here streaming so I disabled the first link.

Hunter needs prayer. You can help.

2006-07-06T04:39:00.001-04:00

I get about two lines into this everytime I read it and my eyes fill up with tears.

This little guy needs your faithful and fervent prayers.

Hunter's Story

And so do his parents. I burned my leg when I was 12, and spent a month in the hospital with 3rd degree burns. It was horrible, because due to how I burned my leg they weren't able to do skin grafts for over a week. Three times a day they would come in and "clean" my leg with a brush. They had to bring a team of nurses to hold me down. I'll never forget the looks of helplessness on the faces of my family.

Check the main page of the site for the updates and how you can pray specifically.

Here is the quote from the site which gets me every time. I wish I accepted hardships as well as he does:

I just want to say to you that Hunter is amazing. Not once in six years, NOT EVEN ONCE, has he ever complained about his disabilities. Even when he falls fifty times a day he is never upset. He just yells out “I’m OK” and gets right back up. When his legs won’t work at all he simply says “these crazy legs are at the beach today”. He always has a smile on his face and joy in his heart. He has an incredible sense of humor and a gift for touching people deep within their soul. He really is a miracle.

What did He write in the sand?

2006-07-02T19:53:00.000-04:00

In John 8:1-11 we are told the story of the Pharisees and their attempt to beguile Jesus by bringing Him a woman that had comitted adultery. It is speculated that they were either trying to get Jesus to say she would not be stoned so that they could accuse Him of being an enemy of the Law, or to get Jesus to say she should be stoned and therefore accuse Him before the Romans.

Recently a friend of mine relayed to me a Bible study they were involved in regarding this passage. One of the questions that they had asked was what it was that Jesus could have been writing in the sand.

Wesley proposes that Jesus wrote in the sand to signify that He was not yet come to condemn the world, but to save it, and Calvin says that anyone that even conjectures about it misses the point. I think Calvin is wrong. I think trying to go one step deeper into the Bible (while remaining in context of course) is the only way to interpret the Bible. It's the only way I can make the story of a God that became man relevant to me. I need to think about what He must have felt like to walk among us, and what the moments were like that He did.

The Bible study I was talking about came up with a few different answers about what Jesus might have written in the sand, but I found one to be particularly enjoyable.

The Bible tells us that after Jesus was challenged by the Jews about what to do, that He rose from writing in the sand and said"

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

Then he returned to writing in the sand. John then relates that beginning with the oldest, or probably more precisely, the most honored among them, they departed one by one until none were left. So was it just the wisdom of what He said that caused them to lose the wind in their sails? Maybe, but here is what the Bible study proposed.

What if Jesus was writing the names of the women (or men) that these particular Jews had commited adultery with? That would expain the eldest departing first as more time/power equals more opportunity. The most honored of the Sanhedrin would also have the most to lose. Imagine the looks on their faces if this were the case and He sqautted there, wrote a name, looked up at a specific man...

So maybe not, maybe this is the first recorded instance of the game of tic-tac-toe, I don't know. I just thought their proposal was funny as well as intruiging., and I love the way Jesus constantly put these guys in their places.

End of an Era. Thanks Andre Agassi.

2006-07-02T01:30:00.000-04:00

For years when I was younger, my parents had a trailer at Sunsetview Campground in Monson, MA. They actually had two trailers there over the years. They bought the first from my grandparents and then bought a better one later on.

I spent so much time there in the summer that anytime I am outside in the summer and reminiscing about Massachusetts, I can't help but think of that place. I had my first kiss there, I hit my first homerun there, I played guitar on stage there for the the first time. I have so many stories I could tell, there are so many memories that I keep, so many people that I miss. Once I thought I would never forget the names, but so many of them have become just concepts now, even their faces are lost to me.

One of the things I did do every summer though was get up and watch Wimbledon. It became a tradition for me to lay on the couch during the morning all of the weekend of Independence Day and watch the semi-finals and finals of that great tournament.

Now, I'm not a huge tennis fan, but the allure of Wimbledon is not easily withstood. Of course, it doesn't hurt that in the beginning of this tradition I was watching players like Borg, Connors and a young man named John McEnroe compete against one another in epic matches. Even today replays of those matches are gripping.

I was reminded of those days earlier this week when I saw that Andre Aggasi had decided to retire and that this week would mark his last appearance at Wimbledon. He had finally succumbed to a nagging back injury, and in fact, today he was knocked out of the tourney for the very last time.

As I heard the news I sat and thought about those days when all I had to do was get up and watch tennis before I went and played softball. They seem so very far away now. With the retirement of Agassi, I suppose they are even further.

Still, for a few moments this week I was able to remember what it was like to lie there and watch tennis as my mother and father cooked breakfast and got the camp ready for the coming day. I can touch the security of my family which is gone now forever. I can smile smiles back at smiles I saw so long ago. And I can say a thank you to a man I watched upon that stage so many years ago.

Andre Agassi came onto the stage a brash long haired ball of fire. I didn't even like him that much at first honestly. Over the years though I couldn't help but respect the passion with which he played the game, and admire the skill and poise he displayed so many times.

Today's players seem so very vanilla to me, but Andre came along at a time when the shadows of Connors and McEnroe still dominated the American tennis world. He took over right where they left off, and I don't know that another American player will ever capture the majesty those men had.

Thank you Andre, for all those mornings.

Get Your Thumb Out of My Eye: Outsourcing Responsibility

2006-06-28T16:45:00.000-04:00

Myspace isn't to blame for everything that happens there. Read more below about who is really getting off easy.

Get Your Thumb Out of My Eye: Outsourcing Responsibility

Wall of Pride...revisited

2006-06-15T23:44:00.000-04:00

This is one of my favorite posts, and I've referenced it to more than one person in the last couple of days, so I thought I would make it easier to find.

Click here

Big Papi

2006-06-14T16:49:00.000-04:00

With names like Fisk, Williams and Yastrzemski in the history of the Red Sox it isn't easy for a guy that has been with the team a relatively short time to capture an award like "Greatest Clutch Hitter in Red Sox history". That's exactly what David Ortiz did though after providing three game winning hits in the 2004 MLB playoff as he led the Red Sox to their first championship in 86 years. (You might have heard about it...)

Here is a nice article about David, and the things that keep him focused on the things that are important in life. I can relate to a lot of what he has to say, especially concerning the loss of his mother, and how that just puts everything else into perspective.

Thomas Sowell

2006-06-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

I love reading Thomas Sowell. He is an amazingly smart man. Earlier this year he even sent me an autographed copy of his latest book "Black Rednecks and White Liberals" after I contacted him concerning an e-mail I had sent another writer concerning affirmative action, amongst other things.

My main point had been that I grew up in a housing projects, the son of a single mother until she married when I was 7. My parents struggled to make ends meet for years and did not finally own a home until I was in my teens. Then I went to college with kids that grew up with far more privelege and options, but they walked away from school with zero debt while I am still saddled with tens of thousands of dollars in loans. Why? Because of skin color. Yes, I do feel discriminated against. Affirmative action sucks. How is that for eloquence?

Anyway. Enough of that. One of my favorite times to read Thomas Sowell is when he does his "random thoughts" columns, and he did one yesterday. I won' spoil the whole column for you, but here are a couple snippets I found especially enlightening:

The beauty of doing nothing is that you can do it perfectly. Only when you do something is it almost impossible to do it without mistakes. Therefore people who are contributing nothing to society except their constant criticisms can feel both intellectually and morally superior.

"We are a nation of immigrants," we are constantly reminded. We are also a nation of people with ten fingers and ten toes. Does that mean that anyone who has ten fingers and ten toes should be welcomed and given American citizenship?

Brookers

2006-06-09T17:44:00.000-04:00

Get ready America, you're about to be hit with something you never expected. If you've ever been to Youtube.com chances are you have an idea who "Brookers" is, and why I am bringing this up now.

Brookers is a 20 year old young woman from Massachusetts (who better be a Red Sox fan or my next blog about her will not be anywhere as nice) that makes these outrageously funny videos and posts them on Youtube. They are so good that she has become a cult figure on Youtube and is about to gain national notoriety. She can't say how, but I'm guessing she's about to sign with MTV (she says it's a TV company) and produce her own show. It should be great.

After watching her videos, especially this one:

I can't help but be touched by her and her story. I know my heart goes out to her because she and I share the pain of losing a parent, and whether you're 20 or closing in on 40, that loss never fully goes away. Add in the fact that I have a sister the same age and the reasons become even more obvious I guess.

This was the first Brookers video I ever saw, and I think you'll see right away why I kept looking for more of her stuff.

Good luck Brookers, and God bless. I'll be praying for you.

Game Winning Hit

2006-06-06T23:58:00.000-04:00

Bottom of the seventh. Bases Loaded. Two outs.

Is there any more pressure packed situation in all of sports? Perhaps lining up for a game winning/tying field goal comes close, but the guys that are trying to stop you don't normally play that big of a part in the sucess or failure. Either the kicker is true or he chokes.

So there I was Monday night, my team down by a run and the game on the line. Adding to the pressure was the fact that I booted an easy line drive in the sixth inning which led to a run. The run we were now losing by.

When we came in to bat that inning I just had this feeling that I was going to come up to bat with the game on the line. It wasn't a hope really, somehow I just knew that it was going to happen. Don't get me wrong, coaching third base through 8 batters was excruciating. I was spared no angst at all. Then when I was standing in the batters box watching our Associate Pastor bat, I kept thinking to myself "Okay Pastor David, I know I can do this---but if you want to get the hit and be the hero, that's fine with me too."

The funny thing is that he told me later that he was in the batters box thinking that if he could draw a walk then that was what he was going to do because he knew I could get the hit and he hadn't hit the ball well that night.

I knew I could do it. That's what I kept thinking about. It's softball. The guy tosses you the ball underhand. I've been doing it for more than 25 years. Still, there's always the chance that someboy will make a great play.

But they didn't.

I walked to the box and I looked out at the pitcher and I literally saw fear in his eyes. It was a tough inning for him, he was having a hard time finding the plate and we had some calls go our way finally after having them go against us all game long. I felt compassion for him, I really did.

His first pitch was about shoulder high and I just smacked it solidly into center field. There was never any doubt after that. Our fastest two runners were on second and third and they each scored easily. As i rounded first base and looked out towards center field I felt...nothing really.

I was happy that we had won, and I could hear the guys going crazy, but I was just somewhere else at that moment. I also had been so sure that I could get the job done that the fact that I had done it didn't come as much of a surprise to me. I was prepared for the job.

Almost immediately the contrast between this year and last year hit me. Actually, it's more like the contrast between this year and all of the years that have come before it. Last year our team struggled to what I think was a 5-9 record, and as the story goes, I nearly died halfway through the season. I never felt comfortable as a coach. I always felt like a fraud because my personal life and my testimony were in shambles.

This year all that is changed. This year I still have the same emotional aches and pains that I have always have, but I have a commitment to God to be obedient, a faith that He is in control of my life and most impotantly a trust that He loves me and cares for me. This year, as on Monday night, when I "walk to the plate" I am prepared to succeed. When God lines me up in the batters box with the game on the line, He and I both know that I can get the job done.

I can't tell you what kind of peace that brings to my life. I can't begin to explain what a comfort it is that he is watching over my life every day. Finally, I wish that you would all know the joy that I know because one day this world will all go away and a new perfect world will take it's place. One day I will spend all of my time with Jesus, and because God is love, I will never know better moments that those.

2006-06-05T23:56:00.000-04:00

Open The Eyes of My Heart

Here is the a live recording of Steve and I from Sunday mornings worship service. God bless

Get Your Thumb Out of My Eye: Are we allowed to be wrong?

2006-06-01T00:55:00.000-04:00

Get Your Thumb Out of My Eye: Are we allowed to be wrong?

This is a great blog piece written by a friend of mine. He is so astute and well thought out that I never fail to be impressed by his lines of reasoning.

Ready to go

2006-05-21T20:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I'm just ready to go. Sometimes I'm just all set with the people in this world, the lack of feeling and compassion, my own shortcomings, pain, cruelty, war, strife, spite, rude behavior, lust, work, television, my own shortcomings....man I just raise my voice to heaven sometimes and let God know, "Now is fine with me. If you were thinking of coming back today, I'm ready to come home now."

I had one of those moments last week when I was in Las Vegas for a trade show. Uh-oh, I can feel myself getting off track here. Okay, so I had to go to Las Vegas for this trade show, and the reaction from some of my Christian friends was just hilarious. You might have thought I had renounced Christ as my savior and taken up shamanism based on some reactions I got. So here's just a little tidbit of information....I don't need to go to Las Vegas to sin. There is nothing in Las Vegas that I can't get right here in the comfort of my own home...well, other than 100 degree temperatures in May I guess.

Let me put it to you this way. When I was in college I spoke with a number of Elementary Education majors that told me that they hoped to be able to graduate and find positions with good Christian Schools. When I asked why they wouldn't want to teach in public schools, they said that the "situation was too difficult."

So what good are you then?

Don't get me wrong, I know that we need to have good teachers in our Christian schools.....but what about that unsaved kid in public school. Doesn't he need an example too?

So yeah, I went to Las Vegas, and when I walked up and down the strip at night and the Mexican gentlemen tried to get me to take their pornographic paraphenalia, I said "I'll pray for you." When they said "No se'." I said "Rogaré para usted." and smiled. Okay, I'm not that good with Spanish anymore, I confess to having to Google that.

So, don't they need Christians in Las Vegas?

So I'm walking through the Casino (which is a little redundant, because basically when you are in Las Vegas you will always be walking through the casino....or a buffet) when I saw this couple walking along. The husband was walking along in front as the wife brought up the rear. walking alonside her was what I assumed was their son, who was mentally retarded.

A couple of thoughts went through my head. The first was the thought I usually get when I see someone like this, and I also used to get when I worked in the Human Services field with all sorts of emotionally and mentally impaired populations by the way. Whenever I see someone like that, I usually get this wave of compassion that rides over me and I think to myself "I'm ready to go God."

I used to work with a guy I'll call John. John suffered from extreme Muscular Dystrophy and had a hard time with even the most basic of human functions. However, although John suffered from this physical impairment, he did have all of his mental facilities. I will never forget the night that I was tansferring him from his wheelchair to his bed and I decided that I was going to share the Gospel with him. I asked him the important questions about believing in Jesus as his Savior and was delighted to find out that John was already saved.

What sticks out in my mind most of all though was the emotion in his eyes as he stammered out "No more wheelchair," as best he could. We shared a moment then that exploded with emotion as I lifted him out of his chair and changed him from jeans and a shirt to his pajamas. Both of us had tears in our eyes as we considered the fact that one day John would be free of this body that trapped him.

And that's the thought process that goes through my head whenever I see someone afflicted like that, or mentally or emotionally challenged....man, I'm just ready to go home to heaven sometimes, so that the corruption of my sinful nature will be forever removed from this world.

It hit me especially hard in Las Vegas, because the impact was twofold. First, there was the reaction that I just described, but I also had another deeper emotional pang as well. As I looked at this young man, I could see him looking around almost in sheer terror and clutching at his mothers arm as he took all of that casino in. The lights, the weird noises, the smoke, the diabolical laughter and people of all shapes and sizes....it's overwhelming no matter what state you are in, and this poor young man was simply petrified.

I got angry then, really angry. I was furious that this couple would be so intent on satiating their vices that they would drag this young man with them to Las Vegas. I started to think even more about some of the couples that I had seen that had made a "family vacation" out of a trip to Las Vegas and had brought their young children, or even thier teens with them. Las Vegas is no place for adults, never mind children.

I just got so frustrated. I couldn't believe these people just didn't get it. I walked through that casino and I looked evidence of every kind of debauchery imaginable, all of it built on the love of money....and I just got sad. I didn't want to be here anymore. I wasn't suicidal, that's not what I'm saying. I was just all done with the world and the way it is. I know that 90% of the 90% of people that call themselves Christians in this country aren't, and I was really feeling some despair as I walked through that place and thought about what a terrible choice these people had made.

I wished that I could grab them all, one at a time, give them a good shake and try to wake them up to what is of real importance in this life. I knew most of them wouldn't get it though, and that made me even more sad.

And then it hit me.

This had to be what it was like for Jesus.

I mean, sometimes I'm one of those people that needs to be shaken. I only have the vaguest understanding of what Heaven is going to be like. I have what amounts to a childs understanding of the nature of God, the trinity, Jesus.

But Jesus knew it all.

How heavy was his heart as He walked amongst men and watched them make poor decision after poor decision? How much did it slay him when he saw an innocent taken advantage of? How did he go on when he saw injustice and greed and evil and the grim heart of sinful man around him every day? How could this perfect, loving, compassionate man stand it at all?

How can He love me?

Did Jesus Imply He Sinned

2006-05-19T16:15:00.000-04:00

Okay, I haven't had the time to post here recently. I have one post that is still in the draft stages because I haven't had the time to finish it, and another about some stuff that happened in Las Vegas which is still in "brain-draft" status because I haven't had the time to start it. I promise (his voice echoed through the empty room) that I will get to both of those in the very near future. For now, here is a short "conversation" I had regarding a question someone had about a passage of Scripture.

Quote:

"Let the one of you who is sinless be the first one to cast a stone at her. Woman, where are they? Did no one condemn you?
Neither do I condemn you."

Question:

Isn't Jesus implying that he has sinned at some time in his life?

Answer:

Not at all, although I do understand why you could ask this question and it is a very good one. I see your thought process as being that:

A. Since only a person without sin should cast a stone

and

B. Since Jesus was not going to cast a stone

that

C. Jesus is then saying that he has sinned.

The problem with that reasoning is that Jesus doesn't say why He isn't going to cast a stone, He just says that He won't do it. Whether you believe in His deity or not, there are many logical reasons for Him not to cast a stone.

Most importantly, He wasn't the one that wanted her stoned in the first place. Of course maybe there were no rocks near Him and He simply didn't feel like walking to where there were rocks and lugging them all back to where the woman was (provided she stayed where she was) and then throwing all the rocks (because nobody without sin could throw a rock) until she was dead. Okay, that's a little silly, but do you get my point?

I believe His refusal to cast a stone is consistent with what He had to say about Himself in the second part of Mark 2:17:

"I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

It certainly wouldn't seem to make a lot of sense for Him to start casting stones at the very people He claimed to have come to minister to.

Hope that helps!

What would you choose?

2006-05-02T13:11:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I know I'm going to take some flack from some people for admitting this, but I was driving to work today and I was listening to Nancy Leigh Demoss. Go ahead and snicker, I can take it, yes I did get up on the effiminate side of the bed this morning.

Actually, Revive Our Hearts comes on for 15 minutes after Erwin Lutzer does 15 minutes, so I listen to her when I can take it. Frankly, sometimes she starts talking about being patient with your husband and how a Godly wife should act and, being divorced, it starts working at some scabs.

You know, I didn't intend to blog about this, but I'm going to bring it up anyway. Actually, it will be a good way to segue into what I originally logged on to blog about. Anyway, you know, being a Christian doesn't solve all of your problems. I mean, the easiest way to illustrate what I am talking about is to point out that a prisoner that accepts Christ as their savior is still in prison..... it's just that he's free. Get it?

So, I am divorced, but just because I lean on God and find peace and shelter in His presence doesn't mean that some days I don't still cry. God isn't some miracle oil that just takes away all of our hurts and makes us shiny happy people. Oh, sometimes He does, but make no mistake about it, storms will come again, and there will even be times when God will not seem to be there when you reach out. Those are refining and testing times, and because we can never achieve perfection, we will be refined and tested until the day that we die. The ironic thing is that it isn't because God is a big meanie, it's actually because that is how much he loves us.

And that leads me up to what I originally intended to write about today. I was driving to work and listening to Nancy Leigh Demoss and she repeated something that she had heard that stopped me in my tracks. I immediately called my voice mail and repeated it just so that I wouldn't forget what it was. She was talking about our lives and the choices that God makes for them and she said:

"God's choices for our life are exactly what we would choose if we knew what God knows."

How deep is that?

That just brought me a lot of peace this morning. I trust God, and I hope you do too, but I have to admit, some days I'm looking up at the sky asking, "Um yeah, okay God, just how exactly does this fit into that plan for a hope and a future??"

Well, I don't know what God knows, which makes it frighteningly silly and incredibly arrogant for me to be asking that question of him. Still, I'll ask it again I am sure.

The point is that we need to remember who God is when we're in the midst of a storm and try to understand that what we are suffering through may be the event that eventually leads us to turning a significant corner or taking a step we have long struggled with in our walks with Christ.

I've been through a lot, and this quote means so much to me because I can attest that the principle it suggests is true. I don't like being divorced, but I can honestly tell you that I am happy that it happened. God has never had my attention like He has had it for the last couple of yearsand it's because I had to depend on Him to get me through that.

Christ Lives...it's only logical.

2006-04-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

I had to go and find this quote from Ronald Reagan so I could post it here today. So many people want to label Jesus as anything but what He was, God with us. Call Him whatever you may like, but He was not a prophet or a madman, He was the Son of God, come to earth to die for our sins so that we may know peace and joy throughout eternity with our Father, our Lord, our Friend in Heaven.

"Meaning no disrespect to the religious convictions of others, I still can't help wondering how we can explain away what to me is the greatest miracle of all and which is recorded in history. No one denies there was such a man, that he lived and that he was put to death by crucifixion. Where...is the miracle I spoke of? Well consider this and let your imagination translate the story into our own time -- possibly to your own hometown.

A young man whose father is a carpenter grows up working in his father's shop. One day he puts down his tools and walks out of his father's shop. He starts preaching on street corners and in the nearby countryside, walking from place to place, preaching all the while, even though he is not an ordained minister. He never gets farther than an area perhaps 100 miles wide at the most. He does this for three years. Then he is arrested, tried and convicted. There is no court of appeal, so he is executed at age 33 along with two common thieves. Those in charge of his execution roll dice to see who gets his clothing -- the only possessions he has. His family cannot afford a burial place for him so he is interred in a borrowed tomb.

End of story? No, this uneducated, propertyless young man who...left no written word has, for 2,000 years, had a greater effect on the world than all the rulers, kings, emperors; all the conquerors, generals and admirals; all the scholars, scientists and philosophers who have ever lived -- all of them put together. How do we explain that? ...[U]nless he really was what he said he was." --Ronald Reagan

The Gospel of Judas??? Come on!

2006-04-09T23:01:00.000-04:00

It's not that I have nothing to write about lately, it's just that I don't have the time to write it! I'm being a very good steward with my time, but there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day lately.

Still, I couldn't pass this one up. Supposedly, a manuscript of the Gospel of Judas has been found somewhere in Egypt. This "gospel" tells a far different story of the man than that depicted in the Biblical Gospels. Amongst other things, in this work Judas is a heroic figure. But I'm not writing today to talk about that.

What gets me is that some people that were already enraptured by this story are now going to feel as if they have been somehow vindicated. That's like saying because I found an original notebook of one of the Brother's Grimm that all those fairy tales must be true.

Listen, before this gets any further, there is ONE piece of manuscript evidence for the gospel of Judas. There are over 5,000 pieces of manuscript evidence for the Bible. There is no book in history that is so widely substantiated. The Bible is the word of God. That's it, it's His book, those are all the instructions you need. Judas was a thief and he betrayed Christ to death.

I just needed to get that off of my chest. Please return to your normally scheduled Sunday.

FYI

2006-04-03T10:27:00.000-04:00

Two minutes and Three seconds past 1:00AM on Wednesday, the time and date will be:

01:02:03 04/05/06

Just so you know.

Fever Pitch

2006-04-02T06:29:00.000-04:00

So I woke up this morning out of a drop dead sleep at 6 AM, which most days would be 6 AM, except today it's really 5 AM. What makes it even more incredible is that I went to bed at like midnight....which was....1 AM? You know, when you need an advanced math degree in order to figure out what time it is, well, it must be early in the morning. (shave and a haircut, 2 bits) I know it seemed like a good idea at the time Ben Franklin, but it's your fault I'm confused right now.

Anyway, I have a confession to make. Part of the reason, actually probably the biggest reason that I don't give up cable television is because I like to sleep with the television on. The other part is that I think I might go crazy if I couldn't watch the Red Sox. Not crazy "I-can't-find-my-car-keys" crazy either, but crazy "I-broke-into-the-library-and colorcoded-all-the-books-on-the-shelves" crazy. I LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE the Red Sox. I feel like I should be at a 12 step program right now.

"Hi, my name is Randy and I'm a recovering Red Sox fan. I haven't watched a game in over 2 weeks."

(That could never really happen. See the part about color coding books for more information why.)

So anyway, I was sleeping with the television on for the millionth night in a row, when out of my drop dead sleep I wake up promptly at 6 AM. Okay, probably not. I don't know what time is was but it was about 20 after 6 when I sat down to write this. I realized when I woke up that Fever Pitch was on, and not only that, but that the movie was about 80% over. Being the Red Sox fanatic (fan isn't a good enough word) I am, I immediately thought to myself "If I stay awake for another 10 minutes I'll get to see the part where they show all those wonderful highlights from the 2004 playoffs."

So I'm laying there and becoming more and more conscious as Jimmy Fallon finds out the Red Sox came back in the bottom of the 9th and beat the Yankees at the first game he ever missed in 23 years because he was spending a wonderful evening with Drew Barrymore. He is of course, very stressed about that event, and Drew Barrymore, being a woman, takes offense to that because she believes that he's saying that he would have traded in the evening with her to be at that game.....well.....okay, I don't have the time right now to sit here and think about what I would have done. (I mean, he had two tickets, it's not like he wouldn't have taken her to the game with him)

Okay, just for the record, any future love interests, you need to read my blog, because I'm putting it in writing right now, you date me, you better get used to the potential for life coming to an end as you know it for 2 weeks every October. That's just the way it is.

So I'm laying there, half awake and watching with one eye open as Drew takes offense and breaks poor Jimmy's heart. After a little bit I've got both eyes open as the movie moves into the part where the Sox (pronounced Sawks) go down 3-0 to the Yankees in the ALCS. If you are not a Red Sox fan you have no idea what this part of the movie is like for us. If you're a married man, it's like remembering the moments just before you asked your wife to marry you. I'm serious, it's that sweet. My eyes almost roll back into my head and my whole body tingles just thinking about it.

So as the story goes along I'm lying there squinting at the TV, still planning on falling back asleep as soon as I get to see Drew grab Johnny Damon's butt, Ortiz get the hits and Foulke toss Alphabet the ball, when a funny thing happened. (what, you're surprised? It's a romantic comedy after all...) I started getting interested in the story all over again. It's really a well done movie. I originally saw it with some friends here in Ohio, and they liked it and had no affinity whatsoever for the Sawks. (Noooomaaaaaahhhhh. Sorry, couldn't help myself)

By the time Drew made her way to the center field bleachers, I actually had my glasses on. Even though I knew all that was going to come (before the nirvana inducing baseball highlights at the end) the story had captured me again. Okay, I'm going to admit it, when Drew jumped off the wall onto the field and then rushed the field trying to stop Jimmy before he could sell his seats I started to get a little emotional. When she ran all the way across the field and told him that if he loved her enough to give up his tickets, then she loved him enough not to let him I thought to myself that that was the most beautiful thing I ever heard. I just got another chill thinking about it. But when she looked him in the eye and told him she was getting arrested, well, a single tear rolled down my cheek.

Maybe it was because I was already confused about what time it was. Perhaps it's because I was just so relieved that he didn't give up the tickets. It could be those things, but it's not. I got emotional like that, I was stirred up because I wish I could find someone that loved me like that, EXACTLY like that. Sometimes I just wish I could take part of a movie and make it my life, and if I could, I would take that part of that movie and make it the way I met the love of my life.

Okay, I probably also get emotional because in 2004 not only did the Sawks finally win it all, but I also got divorced. Talk about your highs and lows...

I remember even feeling a little empty the night they finally put it away. Honestly, that whole year was like walking through a desert, but for a little while in October/November that year, I did at least feel something for a little while. I drove all the way from Ohio to Massachusetts that week to see the victory parade in Boston. I didn't go though, I spent the time with my friends and watched it on television instead. (Best parade I ever missed. I love you guys)

Anyway, I didn't want to bring the tone of this whole thing down by mentioning the divorce, but I had to. This morning I realized that because of all that I was going through back then, I still hadn't fully "accepted" 2004. A part of me has still been, I don't know, sad I guess. I guess as high as that was, I didn't get to experience all of it's wonderfullness because of what I was going through personally at that point in my life.

Well, on June 21st, I'm excorcising those demons. You see, I've got front row Monster seats that night, so if you happen to catch the game that night and they flash to the guy up on the Monster that's dancing like a maniac while "Tessie" plays, know that it's not because he drank too much beer.

Know that that guy is going to be up there celebrating the fact that after all those years, after watching Rice break his hand, and Dent hit the homer, after watching Yaz pop up and Esasaky go down, after having to say goodbye to Freddy Lynn and Carlton Fisk (not to mention the Rooster), after having to see Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball.....after watching Rogah get booted in the first inning, and after watching Mo choke, after watching the Yankees win it all 4 times and just when they had us down 3-0 and things looked as bleak as they ever did.....after having my heart broke again and again and again....well, just know that because the stone got rolled away and David Ortiz stepped out of that crypt and said "Not so fast" to the Yankees that year, because of all of that, I'll be dancing like a maniac that whole game. For me, I'll finally be letting go of that last little part of my heart that was still broken and I'll be free at last to celebrate that wonderful team.

Oh, and just for the record, I'm sick of being polite about this, THERE ARE NO FANS LIKE RED SOX FANS. I haven't been to every park to see every team, but I do have a larger sample size than most people to go by because of all of the different cities I've lived in, and I'm telling you that there are no fans that love their team the way that Red Sox fans love theirs. Over the last few years I've had to put up with people trying to degrade me and the rest of Red Sox nation because they think we think we're special and that there is no difference between their story and ours. I don't think we're special, but we are definitely unique.

I'll tell you what, when they make a romantic comedy about your team, when your park becomes an icon all of it's own and they have tours that draw more people than White House tours, awwwww forget it, Red Sox fans are unique in all of sports. I'm a Steelers fan, I chose my college based on two criteria. First, it was a Christian college. Second, it was 45 minutes north of Pittsburgh and I knew that for four years I would be able to watch every game. So in my book of priorities back then, the Steelers came right after God. Well, comparing my love for the Steelers to my love for the Red Sox is like comparing the way you feel about breakfast to how you feel about your wife. (yes, I know sometimes she makes you really mad, that's part of the analogy...)

And just so you know, it took me over an hour to write this, and the whole time I've had Tessie blasting full volume through my headphones. I'm still sitting here typing along to the beat and every now and then I still have to stop and dance in my chair a little bit.

Maybe I am crazy....

The inefficiency of our government

2006-03-26T13:05:00.000-05:00

So, I go to Drudge last night and I am mildly annoyed to see this story about the immigration rallies behing held the last few days. You know, the rallies being held by people that have snuck into this country illegally and are now trying to tell us how to run our country. Right, those ones. (These people are represented in Washington, by the way, by the party that lost the last couple Presidential elections as well as control of both the House and Senate, and now want to tell the winning party how to run the country. Talk about synchronicity)

Anyhoo, other than being mildly annoyed, I've become a little ticked off again at the innefficiency of our government. There were at least 100,000 people gathered together all told in these various rallies, and our immigration officials apparently did nothing about it. How great would it have been had they done their jobs and rounded these people up to cart them back across the border where they belong.

Don't get me wrong, I love America, and if I didn't live here I would sure want to. What I wouldn't do though is start waving my fist in the air and start telling Americans that I had a right to live here, and that Americans had were really really mean and unfair for trying to determine the conditions under which I get to live here. Sorry, that's the kind of stuff that gets under my collar and makes me want (even more) to toughen up the security on our borders.

One final thing, just a piece of advice here. If you're marching in an immigration rights rally and you want me to "hear" your message, then it's not a good idea for you to print your sign in spanish. First rule of America, the language is English. Learn it.

BREAKING NEWS

2006-03-25T11:55:00.000-05:00

March is the 21st annual National Frozen Food Month.

Just thought you should know.

Herbal link? The "Why is this news" story of the day.

2006-03-25T11:25:00.000-05:00

A recent study has found that teens that use herbal remedies are more prone to using illicit drugs. In my house right now crickets are chirping and nobody has noticed I said anything at all. There is no surprise here.

Actually, that's not entirely true, I'm surprised that the people that conducted this study got the relationship backwards. What it really should say is that teens that use illicit drugs (specifically marijuana) are more likely to use herbal remedies.

You know why? Because herbal has the word herb in it. That's it, that is all there is to it. The thought processes go something like this:

1. I like the way this herb makes me feel.
2. I would like some nachos and a bowl of ice cream.
3. My stomach hurts.
4. I wonder how that herb will make me feel.

It's really that simple. And unfortunately, speaking as a former teen that smoked pot, I can confirm that the best part of using an herbal remedy is that you get to say the word herb. You get to be in the herb club.

I once knew a guy we called Herb, and whenever he entered a room we would call out his name like he was Norm from Cheers. I know they have all kinds of names for the stuff now, but back in the day we just said "Hey, got any herb?" because we liked calling it herb.

Wouldn't it be nice if someone would spend some money on something like, I don't know, actually doing something to prevent teens from smoking herb?

Manliness

2006-03-21T10:48:00.000-05:00

This is an e-mail I sent off this morning regarding this article in the Washington Post.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/20/AR2006032001416_pf.html

I just couldn't take it any more this morning.

"Manliness" didn't begin with the Bush White House, nor can it's root cause be traced back to any time in recorded history. It is and has always been, and a good thing for us it has. As you freely admit, it is men that rise to the top in political parties, and there is no way you could argue that it is not that way across all walks of life. Without this "manliness" you're so readily willing to tout as a negative aspect, our world would be markedly different, and not at all for the better.

Are there negative aspects to masculinity? Certainly, but by bringing up the Iraq war to try and emphasize that you've dropped the ball completely. Nobody is really arguing that in circumstances where a maniacal dictator is torturing his own citizens and thumbing his nose at the world, the right to take preemptive action exists. Even if you wanted to argue that point, and frankly, you would be a fool and an ass to do so, you need to broaden the scope of your attack and start with the politicians not in the President's party who gave him approval in the first place.

Secondly, I don't have a problem with an administration that doesn't want to take time away from managing the country to give you answers that are going to make you feel better. I trust that if there were sufficient evidence to censure or impeach this President, then his drooling and frothing at the mouth political opponents would have acted instantaneously, but thus far there is but one lonely voice officially raised. Yet you and others like you follow down that path of misinformation like sheep, sure that even though the Democrats have done nothing but throw vile accusations and grandstand, that somewhere in there lies some truth which backs up your own reactionary and paranoid point of view.

Finally, I want a leader as a President. If he wants to take some personal friends aside and confess to some introspection or self doubt, then that's fine. The day he gets up in front of the nation and waxes philosophic and shows some weakness, you and the other sharks are going to go into a feeding frenzy. You have NOTHING positive to say to or about the man, and if you had any credibility whatsoever you would admit that the moment he showed any weakness you would pounce. I wish you could see yourself and your complaints about the "swaggering dismissal of dissenting views as the carping of those not on the team" for the ridiculously humorous statements they are. You ARE NOT on the team, so why then do you think you are entitled to intimacy of such a level?

You may not like manliness, but from the first man that picked up a club to beat back a predator, to people like Edison and Einstein, all the way to more modern hero's such as Mandela and Billy Graham, it has primarily been men furthering the betterment of humanity. That's because, no matter how much you may not like it, it is the way God intended for it to be, it is the way it has always been, and it is the way it will always be. I freely admit that every one of these men and men like them typically had a woman of strength and character partnered with him (much Like Laura Bush, but nothing like Hillary Clinton).

For the record, I have significant problems with the President's fiscal irresponsibilities and his handling of our illegal immigration problems. I do not, however, have a problem with him trying to comport himself like a man.

Wall of Pride

2006-03-18T13:06:00.000-05:00

Maybe you have always known what it is you are going to do with your life, maybe you are just that lucky. Perhaps you haven't known exactly, but you were blessed with a good upbringing and learned early how to plan and be organized so when you finally figured it out you were able to dive right in.

That's not my life. None of it.

For 37 years I walked this earth and I never, never, never, never felt completely comfortable in my own skin. A lot of people are surprised when I say things like that, or if I confess to how melancholy I can sometimes be, because I am always quick to laugh and as outgoing of a person as you will find.

I've had little glimpses of what I might like to do, that's how I ended up with a Psychology degree and its why I'm in a sales job right now. As much as I do love my current job though, it still just doesn't always quite fit me.

It's been frustrating living like this, it's been difficult to breathe.

What I just came to realize is that this whole time (and I'm sure it's like this...maybe..... for everyone..?) for a large part, it's been me holding me back.

I have known, and known for a long time what I am meant to do. I just didn't believe it. I just didn't believe it could happen to me. I just didn't believe that I could be so happy doing the thing that I am supposed to be doing. Now I know better.

Psalm 139 says that:

1. God knows us and everything about us. He is an expert in all of our ways, and there is no place we can hide. Most importantly, he has beset us on all sides. (beset has quite a few meanings, but in this case we'll settle for hemmed in, the other definitions bring different analogies to mind, although they describe His perfect love just as well)

2. There is nowhere we can go to escape God, He is always there. Always. It's never too dark, too bright, too deep, too anything for God not to be aware of every circumstance in our lives.

3. He has made us. We were nothing before we were a thought in His head. We are His creation. He didn't make us like you make a pot of coffee either, the only analogy that can even begin to approach the way in which God made us would be to say He created us like the same way that Michelangelo created things. Even then, Michelangelo's greatest work was mere fingerpainting compared to the work God did when He created you and I.

4. Before you lived a single day of your life, God knew what your last breath would be like. He is in complete control of everything, every person, place and thing, at every moment.

5. Most importantly (for my purposes), God's thoughts about us, God's thoughts about you the reader, and me the writer are inumerable. Let me make this clearer, because I don't want to send a collective message when I'm trying to imply a specific one. God's thoughts about you are countless, more than you could ever even fathom. There is not a moment in your life that God didn't already think about a Godzillion times, and it's the same for the next moment, and the one after that, and the one after that.

I know all that and have known it. Psalm 139 is my favorite passage in the whole Bible, and has been for a long time. I know it is a passage meant for me, because it keeps cropping back up in my life over and over again. Considering all of the verses and chapters in the Bible, it's too much of a coincidence for it to be an accident. Even if you take out all of the "begatting" verses and things like that, it would still be too much of a coincidence. it would be like running across the same Peanuts comic once a week for 10 years in different places and publications.

If there is one thing that God wants me to know, it is that He is in control, He has been in control, and He will always be in control.

And still, knowing that, I doubted that God wanted me to use my musical and speaking talents for Him. Still I doubted that something which is both an accident and a blessing could be my purpose, my calling. Why?

Because I love to do it so much.

What's wrong with me??!!

God has blessed me over the past couple of years, because I have been using these gifts primarily to serve Him. I never feel more in tune with God than when I am singing and playing and praising Him. (Conversely, I never feel more out of tune than when I am singing and playing...not for Him.)

Last year after I ruptured my spleen and almost died, I offered my meager gifts to Him for whatever purpose He intended, but I still didn't believe that much would come of it. I began to get an inkling that what He had planned was more than I could fathom because of opportunities that arose for me to use my gifts in various ways.

Still, I would downplay it all by saying things like "I want to play the guitar when I grow up", which I've said a few times over the past few weeks. I meant it to be funny, and it did get a few chuckles, but in my heart I was saying "I want to do this, but I just don't believe it's going to happen to me."

I wasn't completely disparaging God and myself though. I've also had a couple of conversations with people where I've talked about what an accident it is that I can even play the guitar or sing. I do not have guitar players hands, they're short and stubby, and there is nobody else in my family that can even hum well. I wanted to believe that these things were all part of a plan God had for my life, but again, I liked doing them too much for me to believe this was my calling.

What a prideful fool I've been.

I have had an epiphany. I've finally put all of the clues together. First of all, I know God has a plan for my life, and that He has created me in such a way that Iwill be prepared to carry it out. Second of all, and more importantly, I know this plan is a good plan, a plan of peace and hope. So, I know that even if right now I'm totally misleading myself, that this was part of God's plan!

But I don't think I am being misled. I don't feel I'm being misled.

For the first time in my life, for the first time ever, I can say that I believe I was born to minister to other people through speaking, playing and singing, and I believe it can happen. I don't know if God wants me to continue to play for groups around here or enjoy a different level of success, but I know what He wants me to do.

I consider it all joy for every single trial I went through in my lifetime. God has used each one of them to make me steadfast, but He has also used each one of them to purify and refine me, to strip away my hurtful harmful pride that stood in the way of me doing what He wanted me to do.

I can remember specific days in my life when I had screwed things up or failed and how I felt at exact moments. There were moments in my life when I did things that I knew were not part of the plan, but I did them anyway because I wanted to. I can recall intimately the utter shame I felt in those moments. At the time I felt so far from God, so unworthy, and I imagined Him being disappointed with me, so hurt that I would not or could not approach Him.

I don't think that's how it was though. I can hear his voice now, I can hear the echo of it throughout all of those days. I can hear Him calling to me in this moment, and throughout all of my years.

I have a vision of Jesus in my mind, standing on the other side of my wall of pride. He is stripped to the waist, sweat covers his body and each one of those trials that I have suffered through has been a swing He has taken with a sledgehammer at my wall of pride.

Oh, in those moments, when that sledgehammer rang off of my wall the pain was excruciating. All I could hear and feel was the sound of it's smack in my ears telling me I had failed somehow, and the vibration of the impact as it made it's way through my life. I still have some of the scars.

I've taken a lot of hits off that wall in 38 years, but it took that long, and it took that many blows for me to finally be able to hear something else over the wall.

Now that the wall has come down some, I can hear Jesus, as He swings away at that wall. I can hear Him calling to me throughout all of my years, saying:

"I'm coming Randy. I'm coming and I hear you crying." His words echo. " I will break down this wall and set you free"

"I have a plan for you."

Today I feel very blessed, very grateful, and very humble, because I believe I know what God has called me to do. Finally.

Do you know? Have you submitted yourself to God, to the King of all creation? Or are you behind a wall? Whether you can hear it or not, He's calling you. Whether you can hear it or not, I'm praying for you.

Some of this stuff isn't easy to admit to, but now I have a sledgehammer too.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing

Always Gay?

2006-03-15T14:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm writing this here because I don't want to be obtrusive, but I do need to talk about it.

(Edit - It just occurred to me how funny it is that I would post this in my blog because this is where the least amount of people will see it)

I have recently come into contact with a friend from college, well, more of an acquaintance but somebody I really liked and thought well of, who is now a lesbian. (okay, let's not argue about the exigesis of lesbianism, ie. whether it has genetic causation. I'm not saying that she was or wasn't always a lesbian, I'm just saying that right now, if you were to ask her, she would say "I am a lesbian.")

I was really psyched when I found her on-line. Over the years she's someone that I've thought about from time to time and wished I had stayed in touch with. When we were in college (Geneva College) we shared some of the same "hobbies" that other students at Geneva wouldn't normally participate in. Okay, we liked to party and we both had an affinity for the Grateful Dead. We also were both Psychology majors, and we did at least one study/paper together. I've just always thought she was so intelligent and she made me laugh. Even now, I read through her blog and I am just cracking up.

Before I go on, let's get one thing clear. I am a liar and a thief. I have no inherent right to my salvation, it is only by the grace of God that I am saved. I judge nobody, at least not unrighteously. Well, I try not to anyway. I just want to throw that out there, because I am not dealing with emotions right now in writing this, only in what has been reported and what is written. Most importantly for this conversation, I am not judging her or the choice she has made. (Again, whether or not it was a choice is not the focus of this conversation, but I would certainly be willing to hear your opinion. Especially if you don't try to denigrate me as a person if my opinion is not the same as yours........you know, I'm not sure when I took on this whole peaceful diplomatic personality that's been developing recently, but I'm starting to make myself a little sick with all of it. Why can't I just tell people to stick it in their ear like I used to?)

Anyhoo....I've been praying for my friend, and I've been trying to just be a friend and nothing more. I have been praying that God would afford me the opportunity to talk with her about this as well, but we've only been back in touch for a short time and that hasn't, and may not happen. In short, I'm attempting to model my behavior after what I know of Jesus.

I also don't want to preach, and I don't think I have anything new to add to the conversations that may have already taken place in real life, or at least inside of her head concerning the Biblical stance on homosexuality.

I just want to tell her that I can't make it through my day without God leading the way. There are other things that she has written in her blog that I am empathetic to, things that have nothing to do with sex, but have to do with things like family, lonliness and having your heart broken. I just want her to know that I've been through so many of those circumstances, I've tried to shoulder the burden myself through situations just like those, but I have finally realized after last year that I can't do it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to admit, but it freed me. I am not a weak man, not physically, not mentally and not spiritually, but I am woefully underequipped to handle all of the things that the world throws at us day after day after day after day.....

So, I don't want to preach, but I wouldn't mind informing. I did a little research today and I found out a few things.

The Bible speaks clearly about homosexuality and other sins:

Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Apparently the church in Corinth was filled with a bunch of men and women just like us.

Exodus International is a ministry for homosexuals. They report a genuine lifestyle change for up to 50% of the people they minister to, although what success means is ambiguous in this case.

There is also an interesting review of 31 different studies which was done by New Direction. I enjoyed reading some of this, but that's just because I'm still a psychology nerd at heart.

I hope it's you reading this. I hope you followed the link from that other place and made your way here and are beginning to realize that I am authentically concerned for you, and this has nothing to do with me wanting to control you or change you. It doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that while I was thinking of you from time to time over the years, I was thinking about you as a woman as well as a great person. I may be a romantic at heart, but you're a lesbian and I am also a realist. If you would be my friend and never change a thing about the person you are right now, I would consider myself the lucky one. I don't know why, but I have always felt that way about you. You're a fantastic person, and I think that's why you've got so many friends in so many places.

You are in my prayers.

American Pink Collar: An Abortion Story

2006-03-08T13:51:00.000-05:00

American Pink Collar: An Abortion Story

I've gotten into a pseudo debate in the comments section of this blog post concerning abortion. I think it's good for all of us to air our views and see how they stand up against argument. So far the tone has been pretty cordial, so if you have any feelings about this subject this might be a good forum for you as well.

What I'm reading / Walkworthy Conference

2006-03-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

This is what I'm reading right now. I was fortunate enough to go to the Walkworthy conference sponsored by Moody Conferences over the weekend and see Mr. Weber speak. It was a great encouragement to me, and so far the book does not fail to dissapoint.

I think the most important point he made at he conference was about what we need in our lives. He related the story of a friend who was a career military man. The way Mr. Weber described it, the gentleman in question was one of the preeminent soldiers in our military (Green Beret, Special Forces, Delta Force, etc) and most likely if you've heard about a military operation over the past 20 years or so, this guy was probably right in the middle of it.

Mr. Weber asked this gentleman at one point what he considered to be the most important thing he brought into battle with him. He was expecting to get an answer that was more weapon related, but what he got surprised him. The answer supplied had nothing to do with arsenal, rather, the answer was "I need a friend who is strong enough to carry me if I take a bullet."

Mr. Weber then went on to make an illustration about how this life we live is a battle, and there is not one of us capable of getting through it without the support of others. Each of us needs to have a friend strong enough to carry us when we take that metaphorical bullet. Unfortunately, that involves making ourselves vulnerable to another man, and that is scoffed at in our society. (Think of the Bud "I love you man" commercials which mocked that very type of behavior.)

Do you have that person in your life?

Where have I been?

2006-02-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

Wow. I can't believe I let all this time go by without posting. So much has been going on, but I just haven't had the inspiration to get on here and write. I'm going to change that over the next few weeks. Just not right this second. LOL!

Steve Courson:Hero

2005-11-16T14:09:00.000-05:00

If you don't follow sports, or at least football, you may have missed the fact that Steve Courson died recently. Mr. Courson was a player for those vaunted Pittsburgh Steelers teams of the 70's, and you can find a story about the man and his life here:
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05320/607057.stm

I am writing about this not because of any glory he received while playing, but because of the impact he had on sports after he retired. Mr. Courson was one of the first athletes to come out and openly admit to using steroids. I think of him as a hero not because of the fact that he was a participant in Super Bowl victories, but because of the things he did in life since he played.

Mr. Courson took personal responsibility for the mistakes that he made, and did not act only vocally to address the situation, although he did that indeed. What impresses me so much is that he took action in his own life to change it for the better, action which took concerted effort and discipline.

In today's "Dr. Phil" society it can be extremely easy for famous people to point out a problem or even admit to their own wrongdoing. We can all probably name at least one superstar that we have seen shed tears while admitting the error of their ways to Barbara Walters. Most of the time these "stars" don't do anything to actually change that behavior, or even worse, sometimes they act as if the very instance of admitting to the problem divulges them of any personal responsibility in the situation.

In my time working with troubled teens and dealing with other teenagers who live with me but shall remain nameless, I have witnessed an attitude of what I refer to as "atleastism". It is the attitude which says suggests "I may have done that wrong, but AT LEAST I apologized" or "I may not be doing as well as I should be at school, but AT LEAST I am there." I think we're all guilty of that type of thinking, but our youth are especially susceptible to the phenomena, and it is in part due to the irresponsible behavior of the people they look up to.

Steve Courson was not that kind of man. He was a hero. He did something wrong and that had the courage to come out and admit it. He then took the responsibility upon himself to change his behavior. He never shied away from admitting his wrong, and he even went as far as trying to educate others from his own experience. That's what a hero looks like to me.

David Crowder Band Anderson, IN November 13

2005-11-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

I'm still trying to recover from the beating I took this weekend. 700 miles in just over 36 hours. It was worth every inch.

After a brief stop in Dayton on Saturday night, I lit out for Anderson College in Indiana for the latest stop on the David Crowder band's Collision tour. Along with Shane and Shane and the Robby Seay band, this was absolutely the best Christian rock show I have ever been too, and it also ranks as one of the best shows, period.

What can you say about an artist that plays a non-stop, energetic set of contemporary, thought provoking, pulsating, God filled music and then comes out for the encore and smacks you in the mouth with some bluegrass and all but lifts the roof off of the place? All I can say is that although my yearning for DCB has finally been temporarily satiated, I left that place last night wanting more. The last time I felt this way about music, my friends were packing up the car and hitting the road to follow Jerry, Phil and the rest of that gang.

I jumped, I sang, I shouted, I laughed, I cried, I clapped and lifted my hands in the air......I sweated....I sweated a lot. And incredilby, during the whole time DC was orchestrating the evening, making us laugh, making us sing, making all 2000+ of us feel like close personal friends, I was in tune with the music and the words. The show isn't about DCB, it's about God and taking time to worship Him. The focus is never lost, it's impossible for that to happen with an artist who brings such thought provoking words to the table.

DCB reaches across all generations too. I'm beginning to leave my mid-30's in the rearview mirror, and I went to the show with my sister who will be entering her final teenage year in a week or so. We both had the time of our lives because we both connect with the whole DCB experience. DC is singing our words for us, singing our songs for us. Of course, he's doing it with his hair and his keytar....

Holy Holy is the LORD Lyrics

2005-11-11T16:16:00.000-05:00

These are the lyrics to my latest song.

All this vanity, All this pride, Never filling, the whole inside
Nothing new, Underneath the sun, You can chase the wind, as fast as you can run
You'll never find, the satisfaction that you seek, Never know, what is promised to the meek,
He counts the hairs, up upon your head, He knows your days, until the one when you'll lay dead

Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD

You know the truth, but you’re caught in a lie, obligated, to your foolish pride
You know the Word, that can save your soul, but you can't give up, this illusion of control,
Turn your ear, to the wisdom offered you, Apply your heart, to understanding what is true,
You'll find a treasure, worth more than all the gold, that you could count, in all the days until you grow old

Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD
Holy Holy is the LORD

You are so magnificent, father
I consecrate this day to you,
Help me LORD, to be mindful of your ways,
In everything I say and do

Fellowship

2005-11-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

I was thinking today about some of my friends from the past, different times and different places, and how much I miss those people. We all have memories of places and times that are special to us, that impacted us, made us more considerate of others because of the way they echoed truth in our life. Trust is such a special thing, and when you find that trust in another person, or group of people, it can be so special that you never want the time to end.

Unfortunately, or, "alas" if you prefer, all things come to an end, sometimes far more quickly than we ever expected was possible. If you're lucky, you move from one exerience to another like this and you're able to gather up one or two intimate friends along the way. The circumstances that made each meeting special fade though. Groups of friends disperse. It is only natural.

That seems very depressing on the face of it. Would that time and life were such that each time you encountered such a circumstance where you experienced true fellowship with another group of friends, you could introduce that group to the group which you had already met, and your life could just be one large collaboration of fellowship, all your old friends mingling in with all your new. That isn't possible though. Not in this life.

It isn't truly depressing though. Each of these events in our lives is special, from that first group of friends to the one you are in now we learn to trust, to reach out, to extend ourselves, to forgive and to love. Although things like marriage and death may separate us, we echo in each others lives and hearts throughout our whole lives. Whether we see each other every day or have not seen each other in decades.

This is for Chris, Sharon, Donny, Don, Diane, Kathy, Sarah, Greg, Ken, Paul, Mike, Jeff, Cara, Jennifer, Julie, and so many other generous people I have met along the way that I can not see every day. I wish that I could. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me.

A man after God's own heart

2005-11-04T00:52:00.000-05:00

This is from my old Yahoo 360 account. I'm reposting here because I liked it so much. The original date was September 7, 2005.

When I was younger, heck, last week.....yesterday? Okay, let's start again. In the past, recent and distant, I have wanted to be a man after God's own heart. I've also thought to myself that I would have chosen as Solomon did and gone for door number three and the wisdom. In the distant past I wanted these things because I was proud and I wanted God to look at me and say "There goes my boy, look at what he can do!" I also wanted other people to think that I was a very wise and insightful person.

Of course, both of these desires were foolish, and obstacles to the very thing I was hoping for! David was a humble Shepherd when God said that he was a man after His own heart. David wasn't looking for applause or commendation; he found his pleasure in glorifying God. For a long time I missed the mark with this, I just didn't get it. I thought I did. I was very proud about how humble I was, especially about how much more humble I was than other people. What a fool I have been.

And bingo, there it was. With that one sentence, with that one admission I took the step towards being a man after God's own heart that I needed to take. I realized that I was proud and that this was foolish and with that thought I became more like David. When I made that admission, I became like David when he confessed to Nathan (2 Sam 12:13) that he had sinned against the Lord. That confession was what made him a man after God's own heart, and similarly, my confession of pride drew me closer to God and the man he wanted me to be.

Am I done now? HA! Not even close. Each day is a battle. The race is long and grueling. Some days I run through life and it is glorious. I move as the wind moves, lighter than air and free. Those are the days in which I am grounded in the Word and fully trusting God to lead the way. Those are the days I am humble before Him and I realize that the day is but a gift that He has granted to me.

Other days I am shackled to the ground, and each step is painful. (Think mile 22 or so of a marathon) These are the days that I am bogged down in what has been, what might not be, what I have done and not done. These are the days that I forget about God, or at least push Him away. I am thinking too much about the next mile, instead of just being thankful that I can take the next step.

Before the great spleen injury I was running. In my best week I ran 16 miles. That was quite an accomplishment for me and I was very exuberant about that. I can remember the first day that I pushed myself to three miles. I was so exhilarated. The days that I am trusting God are just like those days. It is so exhilarating to know that the creator of the universe is looking out for me, walking with me, planning my day.

The first day I ran was different though. I got about 200 yards or so into it, and I began to wonder what I had been thinking to undertake the endeavor in the first place. Each step was taken only by sheer will. My legs were heavy like lead and my lungs seemed like they would never get enough air again. These are the days that I am thinking how awful it is that my marriage failed, that my mother died, that I have no child, I can't make a sale..... Instead of trusting that the God that has brought me this far hasn't stopped loving me perfectly and will take care of me because I am His son, I lose my focus and start to wonder how I will make it through the whole race. My job is just to take the next step.

Of course, all this makes me think of other days that can be just as harmful. Those are the days that I forget that I am running a race at all. These days seem harmless enough, but in forgetting the race I am forgetting God, or at least telling Him "I'll get back with you in a minute." These are days of selfish indulgence. They seem harmless at first, but when you stop running the race, you get out of shape and unprepared for what is to come. These days lead to the days where the focus on God is lost.

Thankfully, God never fails to come down and steer me back on the path, to help me back into the race. It usually hurts, I won't lie. There is usually a good deal of weeping on my part, and often a need to repent. Ironically, those are the first few steps of running the race again. Those are the steps of realizing that I have allowed impurities to pollute me and am no longer prepared to run the race. Those are the days of grace, when I feel closest to God, because I realize how far away from Him I deserve to be and am overwhelmed by how close He has pulled me to Him. I never feel so loved as these days.

I started this by saying I wanted to be a man after God's own heart like David and wise like Solomon. I did have a point beyond the race analogy, but I enjoy digressing. My point is that I have never felt so close to these aspirations as I do lately. Going through what I have gone through with the spleen injury, most notably the nearly dying part, has changed me in a way that I may not be able to describe sufficiently.

I have come to realize in these past few months just how fortunate I am. In the past I have been fortunate for the way that God has provided for me. I have been able to look back at my life and see the obstacles that God moved out of my life to get me this far. I can see the times that God has caught me when I climbed too high in a tree and lost my grip. I can also see the times that He let me hit the ground when I climbed the same tree one too many times. For all of that I am and have been thankful, because He did what He did to make me realize how much he loves me.

This is different. The Bible compares life to a vapor (James 4:14) and never before has this been so firmly rooted in my consciousness. Each day, each minute, each breath is a gift that God has given to us. Some days I am driving to work and I just ponder the very fact that I've been given another day and I am overcome with gratefulness. (Other days the guy in front of me is a moron and it's harder to focus)

Each day is a gift. God is great and He deserves to have control of my life. I am wiser, more like Solomon. My heart is closer to David's. Time for bed. I have to wake up tomorrow and take another step.

You know you're from the Pioneer Valley

2005-11-03T16:08:00.000-05:00

I'm celebrating where I am and where I'm from today...though not necessarily in that order.

Here's a funny little list that will really make you chuckle if you have ever spent any time in the Pioneer Valley:

----- How to tell when you're from the Pioneer Valley---
1) You're driving 75 on 91 and the idiot from Connecticut behind you is flashing his lights to pass. 2) The fact that Routes 5 and 10 are basically the same doesn't confuse you.
3) You recognize the letter "R" in our alphabet and it is NOT pronounced "ah."
4) You are not afraid of the East Longmeadow rotary.
5) You actually stop for pedestrians in crosswalks.
6) You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Holyoke, Athol, Charlemont, Amherst, Palmer and Bernardston.
7) You drove to New York State or Brattleboro, Vermont when you were 18 to buy beer.
8) You know that the "Calvin Coolidge" is a bridge.
9) You know what they sell at "packies."
10) You prayed that the Patriots would move to Hartford.
11) You laugh at all of the other New England states, especially Vermont.
12) You know at least one American Legion where you can get served after last call.
13) You can't comprehend how anyone can find their way around Boston.
14) You have gone to at least one party at Umass.
15) You go fishing at Quabbin just for the sense of satisfaction derived from peeing in Boston's drinking water supply.
16) You give directions by always referring to where places used to be,ie, "It's in West Springfield across from where Abdow's used to be.";
17) Colleges are used as landmarks for direction, i.e., "From Mount Holyoke go past Hampshire College until you reach Amherst. Go straight through the lights to UMass."
18) You believe that Bobby Orr is the greatest athlete that ever lived.
19) You can get from Peru to Florida in less than an hour.
20) You know at least one guy named Stan, Rene, or Sully.
21) You know that all directions for getting to Westfield start with, "You go to the Purple Onion....."
22) You laughed at the kids down south because they never get snow days.
23) You truly believe that the Memorial Bridge reconstruction project was the biggest traffic nightmare this state has ever seen.
24) You know that the Honeypot is a section of Hadley , not a serving container.
25) You have never been to the Basketball Hall of Fame.
26) You can recognize a Chicopee girl from her bowling shoes.
27) You cried when they closed Mountain Park.
28) You know where Ware is.
29) You know that there is a bigger difference between Longmeadow and East Longmeadow than just a compass direction.
30) When someone from the Eastern portion of the state calls UMass, "ZooMass" and you take it as a compliment.
31) You know that people who call Northampton, "NoHo" are not from 'Hamp.
32) You pray for the Red Sox to win the world series sometime in your life to get even with all of the Yankee fans that you have to work with.
33) You know that springtime means fresh native asparagus.
34) You know that a "T" is something you wear, not ride to work on.
35) You take your life in your own hands crossing any local bridge because all of the state's highway funding has been diverted to the Big Dig.
36) You know that Hadley is where the buffalo roam, and that it is next to the People's Republic of Amherst.
37) You are proud to drink Northampton Ale and think that the rest of New England owes The Brewery a debt of gratitude for inventing the micro-brew pub.
38) You think St. Patrick's Day is better than Christmas and you know where the world's second largest St. Patty's Day parade is held (hint: NOT Boston).
39) You go to the Berkshires, instead of "down the Cape."
40) You know that the best Italian pizza joints are all owned by Greeks.
41) You believe Bucky Dent to be the anti-christ.
42) You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Old Deerfield (or both) on a grammar school field trip. 43) You know that Wilbraham is the home of Friendly's.
44) You actually believe that the Oxbow Marina is "The Boat Mall of the Northeast."
45) You know that Westhampton is a dry town.
46) You know where the town of Enfield, MA is located.
47) You know that the Pike is free from Ludlow to New York.
48) You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and Hadley is 90% Polish.
49) You know at least two lesbians, not that there's anything wrong with that. And the final, most important way to tell that you are from the Pioneer Valley ........................................
(50) You know at least one person who works at Yankee candle and can get you a discount!

AND

This one is all about being from Ohio

You may be from Ohio (pronounced "ah-hi-uh") if:

You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange.

You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and
construction.

You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.

You know what a "buckeye" really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

"Toward the lake" means "North" and "toward the river" means "South."

You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

You know how to correctly spell Cincinnati.

"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer
hunting in the fall.

You measure distance in minutes.

Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
"Where's my coat at?"

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what "pop" is.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.

If someone says something you don't understand or hear, you say
"Please?"

You call it Krogers even though it is Kroger.

Call of Duty 2

2005-11-03T00:23:00.000-05:00

Okay, after a two year love affair with Call of Duty, which followed a quick fling with Wolfenstein which came after the three years I spent with my first love (Half-Life) I am happy to inform you all that Call of Duty 2 has finally hit the shelves and it is everything FPS gamers could have hoped that it would be.

There are many noticeable changes in the game, but the biggest is undoubtedly the health system. Although this is vastly different from the first version, it does not detract from gameplay in any way. I have to admit that I spend the majority of my time playing on-line with friends, so most of what I tell you here is based on the multiplayer experience, but the health system comments are accurate across the board.

When I first heard about the changes to the health system, I was a little concerned that Activision had screwed this game up. How could you possibly have a game where you could just get back under cover and regain full health in a matter of seconds. Certainly you should have to be healed by a medic, or at least search for some health packs lying around.

I am thrilled to be able to tell you that this does not detract from the game whatsoever. In fact, the health system, along with some of the other improved features, really make this game the tightest FPS ever developed, at least in the area of team tactical play. If you like to run and gun, get used to dying and waiting to respawn. This game forces you to take your time and play the game with diligence, working with your squadmates to capture a radio or a flag depending on the gametype you're playing. It's as close to realistic as they could make it in that area.

If you try to go it alone without someone backing you up, chances are you are going to encounter a group from the other team, and unless you have your L337 hacks enabled, you will die the majority of the time. Some people might find that this style of gameplay is not as exciting as the run and gun "Serious Sam" type of game, but in all actuality, the tension and anxiety only serve to heighten the intensity of the gameplay.

The only negative comments I can make about the game at this point concern the anti-cheat system which is nonexistent, and the hardware requirements. It is simply not acceptable that Activision shipped this game out without Punkbuster being enabled. There is no more frustrating gaming experience than playing on a server with a llama who is using a trigger-bot or a wall hack. Although Activision is to be lauded for the fact that this game is so smooth right out of the box, this was a major mistake. The gaming community can't really do anything about it, but there may in fact be some people out there that will wait for punkbuster to be activated and stick to playing F.E.A.R. or Counterstrike until that happens.

The other issue with this game is the fact that my GeForce 5200 is only getting me from 30-35 frames per second depending on the map. Add in the fact that going through any smoke slows that number down even worse, and it can really be a drag playing the game. I love to sneak around maps, and I am a master at using smoke to cover my trail and get in and out of places unscathed, but when I can't see anything while I'm using that smoke because my FPS have slowed to a snails pace, it just isn't fun anymore. My 5200 just isn't that old that this should not be the case.

Nonetheless, I'm still playing the game, and enjoying it most of the time. I have the benefit of being able to play on my clan server (www.s2tg.com) so I can kick anyone that is obviously cheating though. I highly recommend it if the fact that there is no anti-cheat system as of yet doesn't bother you, and if your system can meet the minimum requirements on the side of the box.

Happy fragging!

Sarah Arrives

2005-08-18T00:15:00.000-04:00

One more to go

Entry for August 17, 2005: No idea where I'm going today. Well, that isn't exactly true, but unlike the way I normally write, which is with a pretty clear focus of a few points that I want to structure the piece around, I'm coming into this one with just a bunch of emotion.

I find myself near tears over the past few weeks. For the first time in a couple years though, the tears aren't motivated by what I've lost and who I miss, but rather, they are motivated for the fact that I am still here and how much I have to live for. You could have asked me anytime since 12/1/2003 whether I cared if I lived or died, and I honestly would have told you that I didn't really give a *#!%. Only one thing kept me interested in this world, well, one realistic thing, because Nancy is never coming back. That one thing is Sarah. As much as I wanted to beg God to get me off this planet, I refrained, because I knew that I was her only hope. She'll probably get real defiant and offended when she reads this because she'll want to say she could have made it on her own, but it's true nonetheless. Sure, she could have done something with her life, but the opportunities that I hope to be able to steer her to, and the things I hope to help her achieve will amount to more than anything she could have done leading the life she had back in MA. I want her to have a full and rich life, and I pray that I can help her overcome the mistakes she has made quicker than the years it took me to overcome mine.

So tears stream down my face because I remember the little girl, I remember the joy, I remember the awe she had for me because I was her big brother. I was the giant who lived in the cellar to her friends when she was little, and a couple years later I was the guy in the batman car. I've truly lived a life that transcends the typical, including the recent spleen injury, but never have I felt more affirmed, more validated than when that little girl looked at me the way she did when she believed I was the coolest thing ever.

Conversely, I have never felt more raw, more spent, more crucified than that night my mother had her aneurysm and Sarah looked up at me and wanted to know if mommy was coming home that night. I knew even at that moment that mommy was never coming home, and having to maintain my composure and answer Sarah took years off of my life. My heart will never be fully mended from the way it was broken in that moment. I have never been more lost, truly, it was the begining of my adult life. If I were a more bitter person, I would hold that against God, but I trust that His plan is best, and though I don't understand, I will trust God.

So the tears have come, even at this moment, because I am so thankful to be alive, so thankful to be here now writing this, so thankful for the past couple of weeks with Sarah, and so hopeful for the things to come. I also am afraid, afraid that I will not be able to keep her focused and motivated on school, afraid that a month from now I will start to miss Nancy again, or feel sorry for myself that there isn't someone in my life, or that I have no children of my own. Please God, keep me moving forward and don't let me pause there. She wouldn't want to admit it, but she needs me.

It hit me about an hour ago, as full as it has since I got hurt, how lucky I am to be alive. I believe God saved me that night so that I could fulfill His purpose and because Sarah needed me and He knew that. Thank you Jesus.

Still infected

2005-08-03T00:04:00.000-04:00

I'm porting over what I previously wrote on Yahoo 360.

Entry for August 02, 2005: I've had enough.

I'm nearing the middle of week six since I dove for a groundball and ruptured my spleen. I spent a week in the hospital for that (once I realized how bad they can treat you in a hospital, I did everything I could to make the doctors send me home.......I think it was the cartwheels that finally convinced them.) and was released from captivity on the 4th of July. It was the best Independence Day in recent memory. Hospitals are the worst place for sick people to be. They wake you up 10 times a night to take your temperature, draw some blood or just see if you're miserable enough. It's impossible to get any rest.

So I finally get out. I spent a week on the couch and then Chris drove all the way out here (to OH) and brought me back to MA so I could visit with family and friends while I was recuperating.....and I had tickets to two Red Sox-Yankees games that week at Fenway. The Sox lost both games I went to, but it was still wonderful to be home with family and friends. By the way, if you're a baseball fan and haven't been to Fenway, you need to go.

A week later I hop in my rental car and drive back home to OH, hoping to complete the recovery process and get back to work in a week or so. So what happens? I get home early Monday morning, sleep all day, and then wake up with a fever over 103! Sigh. Back to the emergency room I go, where I find out I have an abcess which needs to be drained. The next day they put me in a CAT scan and stick a tube in my back and drain roughly 1000 CC's of nastiness out of my body. And that's where the "I've had enough" this blog started with came from. The whole tube sticking event happened two weeks ago today, and I just got back from the doctor where I was told I could enjoy the tube for another two weeks. My summer is blown. Can you sense the frustration? I can't believe how much I need to get back to work and a normal life. The cats are driving me crazy!

On the other hand, you never know who your friends are, and how good they are until you go through something like this. Thank God for bringing me to West Hill Baptist Church, because the people there have shown me that they really care for me. Again. God is good. I can't believe work is still paying me too. What a blessing. Finally, and best of all, God has worked out a way for my sister Sarah to move back here. I really hope I can help her finish high school before her 30's and get her off to a better start than I had. It won't be easy though, she's got some of my less attractive qualities. Still, just getting her away from MA and that whole ridiculous situation is a blessing as well. God grant me the strength and patience I'm going to need though!

I try to focus more on that stuff than on this thing jutting out of my back and draining nastiness into a bag strapped to my thigh.....but that just isn't always possible!!

Meanwhile the world is going by. UN Ambassadors are being nominated, the liberals are out in force railing against President Bush because he excersizes six days a week. Can you believe that one? It's true though. They say it's somehow his fault that kids in public schools are overweight, so I guess that makes him insensitive for taking care of himself..... Actually, they propose that he's made cuts in education that affects the funding for physical education at schools, and will reduce the amount for funding for the infamous Title IX sports programs.

You know what? If your kid is fat, it isn't the fault of the President, it's yours. Furthermore, if more funding was returned to public schools, should we funnel that money into gym class? Have you talked to a teenager lately? Half of them couldn't find Europe on a World Map, and that's just out of the one's that can read. I was a substitute teacher for a time, and I can tell you without reservation that the lunatics are running that asylum. Let's keep them fat and out of shape, it'll make it easier for the cops to catch them when they get older.

As for Title IX. Boo hoo. If the sport doesn't generate enough money to at least pay for itself and there is no other funding, guess what, NOBODY CARES!! Either go to another school that does offer that sport ladies, or take up another sport that is funded. And before you go calling me insensitive and sexist, let me state that I am not a sexist, I'm a realist. This is just how the world works. If you're in business and your company rolls out a product that won't even pay for production costs, what happens? No more New Coke, that's what happens.; This is no different. Universities should be run differently than a business of course, but some things just make sense. The last thing you should do is take money and opportunities from other sports that people are more interested to enable other activities nobody cares about.

I have to think that the liberal leadership at today's schools would have to agree with me. I would think that rather than spending money on a sport, where some participants are denigrated because a score is kept and only one team can win, todays liberal leadership would rather see more funding go towards classes which teach the students:

1. That our Western Culture and capitalism are responsible for all the bad things that happen (though it is responsible for more peace, prosperity and well being than any other element in recorded history)

2. That Marx and Lenin were geniuses and all the countries that failed under socialism/communism et al did so because of poor leadership, bus the system surely works and is the quickest way to the perfect utopia.

3. That minorities can't compete in college environment and need extra help.

4. That matter cannot be created or destroyed, unless we're talking about the universe of course.

I don't have a 5, actually, I could go on until about 50, but I don't feel like sitting here anymore!

Have whatever kind of Day you want.