Sarah Arrives

One more to go

Entry for August 17, 2005

No idea where I'm going today. Well, that isn't exactly true, but unlike the way I normally write, which is with a pretty clear focus of a few points that I want to structure the piece around, I'm coming into this one with just a bunch of emotion.

I find myself near tears over the past few weeks. For the first time in a couple years though, the tears aren't motivated by what I've lost and who I miss, but rather, they are motivated for the fact that I am still here and how much I have to live for. You could have asked me anytime since 12/1/2003 whether I cared if I lived or died, and I honestly would have told you that I didn't really give a *#!%. Only one thing kept me interested in this world, well, one realistic thing, because Nancy is never coming back. That one thing is Sarah. As much as I wanted to beg God to get me off this planet, I refrained, because I knew that I was her only hope. She'll probably get real defiant and offended when she reads this because she'll want to say she could have made it on her own, but it's true nonetheless. Sure, she could have done something with her life, but the opportunities that I hope to be able to steer her to, and the things I hope to help her achieve will amount to more than anything she could have done leading the life she had back in MA. I want her to have a full and rich life, and I pray that I can help her overcome the mistakes she has made quicker than the years it took me to overcome mine.

So tears stream down my face because I remember the little girl, I remember the joy, I remember the awe she had for me because I was her big brother. I was the giant who lived in the cellar to her friends when she was little, and a couple years later I was the guy in the batman car. I've truly lived a life that transcends the typical, including the recent spleen injury, but never have I felt more affirmed, more validated than when that little girl looked at me the way she did when she believed I was the coolest thing ever.

Conversely, I have never felt more raw, more spent, more crucified than that night my mother had her aneurysm and Sarah looked up at me and wanted to know if mommy was coming home that night. I knew even at that moment that mommy was never coming home, and having to maintain my composure and answer Sarah took years off of my life. My heart will never be fully mended from the way it was broken in that moment. I have never been more lost, truly, it was the begining of my adult life. If I were a more bitter person, I would hold that against God, but I trust that His plan is best, and though I don't understand, I will trust God.

So the tears have come, even at this moment, because I am so thankful to be alive, so thankful to be here now writing this, so thankful for the past couple of weeks with Sarah, and so hopeful for the things to come. I also am afraid, afraid that I will not be able to keep her focused and motivated on school, afraid that a month from now I will start to miss Nancy again, or feel sorry for myself that there isn't someone in my life, or that I have no children of my own. Please God, keep me moving forward and don't let me pause there. She wouldn't want to admit it, but she needs me.

It hit me about an hour ago, as full as it has since I got hurt, how lucky I am to be alive. I believe God saved me that night so that I could fulfill His purpose and because Sarah needed me and He knew that. Thank you Jesus.

Still infected

I'm porting over what I previously wrote on Yahoo 360.

Entry for August 02, 2005

I've had enough.

I'm nearing the middle of week six since I dove for a groundball and ruptured my spleen. I spent a week in the hospital for that (once I realized how bad they can treat you in a hospital, I did everything I could to make the doctors send me home.......I think it was the cartwheels that finally convinced them.) and was released from captivity on the 4th of July. It was the best Independence Day in recent memory. Hospitals are the worst place for sick people to be. They wake you up 10 times a night to take your temperature, draw some blood or just see if you're miserable enough. It's impossible to get any rest.

So I finally get out. I spent a week on the couch and then Chris drove all the way out here (to OH) and brought me back to MA so I could visit with family and friends while I was recuperating.....and I had tickets to two Red Sox-Yankees games that week at Fenway. The Sox lost both games I went to, but it was still wonderful to be home with family and friends. By the way, if you're a baseball fan and haven't been to Fenway, you need to go.

A week later I hop in my rental car and drive back home to OH, hoping to complete the recovery process and get back to work in a week or so. So what happens? I get home early Monday morning, sleep all day, and then wake up with a fever over 103! Sigh. Back to the emergency room I go, where I find out I have an abcess which needs to be drained. The next day they put me in a CAT scan and stick a tube in my back and drain roughly 1000 CC's of nastiness out of my body. And that's where the "I've had enough" this blog started with came from. The whole tube sticking event happened two weeks ago today, and I just got back from the doctor where I was told I could enjoy the tube for another two weeks. My summer is blown. Can you sense the frustration? I can't believe how much I need to get back to work and a normal life. The cats are driving me crazy!

On the other hand, you never know who your friends are, and how good they are until you go through something like this. Thank God for bringing me to West Hill Baptist Church, because the people there have shown me that they really care for me. Again. God is good. I can't believe work is still paying me too. What a blessing. Finally, and best of all, God has worked out a way for my sister Sarah to move back here. I really hope I can help her finish high school before her 30's and get her off to a better start than I had. It won't be easy though, she's got some of my less attractive qualities. Still, just getting her away from MA and that whole ridiculous situation is a blessing as well. God grant me the strength and patience I'm going to need though!

I try to focus more on that stuff than on this thing jutting out of my back and draining nastiness into a bag strapped to my thigh.....but that just isn't always possible!!

Meanwhile the world is going by. UN Ambassadors are being nominated, the liberals are out in force railing against President Bush because he excersizes six days a week. Can you believe that one? It's true though. They say it's somehow his fault that kids in public schools are overweight, so I guess that makes him insensitive for taking care of himself..... Actually, they propose that he's made cuts in education that affects the funding for physical education at schools, and will reduce the amount for funding for the infamous Title IX sports programs.

You know what? If your kid is fat, it isn't the fault of the President, it's yours. Furthermore, if more funding was returned to public schools, should we funnel that money into gym class? Have you talked to a teenager lately? Half of them couldn't find Europe on a World Map, and that's just out of the one's that can read. I was a substitute teacher for a time, and I can tell you without reservation that the lunatics are running that asylum. Let's keep them fat and out of shape, it'll make it easier for the cops to catch them when they get older.

As for Title IX. Boo hoo. If the sport doesn't generate enough money to at least pay for itself and there is no other funding, guess what, NOBODY CARES!! Either go to another school that does offer that sport ladies, or take up another sport that is funded. And before you go calling me insensitive and sexist, let me state that I am not a sexist, I'm a realist. This is just how the world works. If you're in business and your company rolls out a product that won't even pay for production costs, what happens? No more New Coke, that's what happens.

This is no different. Universities should be run differently than a business of course, but some things just make sense. The last thing you should do is take money and opportunities from other sports that people are more interested to enable other activities nobody cares about.

I have to think that the liberal leadership at today's schools would have to agree with me. I would think that rather than spending money on a sport, where some participants are denigrated because a score is kept and only one team can win, todays liberal leadership would rather see more funding go towards classes which teach the students:

1. That our Western Culture and capitalism are responsible for all the bad things that happen (though it is responsible for more peace, prosperity and well being than any other element in recorded history)

2. That Marx and Lenin were geniuses and all the countries that failed under socialism/communism et al did so because of poor leadership, bus the system surely works and is the quickest way to the perfect utopia.

3. That minorities can't compete in college environment and need extra help.

4. That matter cannot be created or destroyed, unless we're talking about the universe of course.


I don't have a 5, actually, I could go on until about 50, but I don't feel like sitting here anymore!

Have whatever kind of Day you want.