I finally have a working computer again by the way, so I hope to be posting more again.
Just sitting here and listening to that Watermark CD I borrowed from you a couple months ago. I will get this back to you as soon as possible by the way, now that I have my PC up and running again I can burn it, because there are songs I want to burn to do for special music. After Sunday and the harmonies that just sounded so sweet, I have some ideas for things that I think we can accomplish that will just bless that church. We have so much talent there, so many beautiful voices....
Anyway, I honestly had only listened to the song "Glory Baby" which you recommended and is a blessing, comfort and encouragement to me all at once. I can't wait to see my son. (The first words of this song were originally about that...I know you probably won't be able to access that from work btw) Sometimes I feel like I have so many bad moments, like my sin is just too much, but it just feels so good, better than I can describe, and it always makes my heart soar, and sore, that he knows, he KNOWS, that his daddy finally got it right and gave his life completely to God. Finally. He can be proud to claim me finally.
And that isn't even what I was writing to you about, but another song on the CD got me all emotional.
I was listening to "Who am I", and I was really liking the song. I was sitting here arranging it in my head and imagining how to expand it to include more voices, and then it got near the end and she sang:
"Who am I, that you would recognize my name?"
And man, it just floored me.
Honestly, I want people to know my name. I do. I think it's for the right reasons too. Mostly. I would love for people to know my name like they know David Crowder's name, or Shane and Shane...you know. I would get so much satisfaction from knowing that I was being used by God to touch people's lives, to reach them where they're at.
I would also get so much satisfaction from playing music all the time, it brings me so much joy. I am built for that and that life. It may not be here, but I am sure that one day either here or in heaven, I will get to play in a great band.
But it struck me when she sang that, that all of that, being known here as a musical evangelist, as a man of God, whatever....that's all good.....but it just is so insignificant when compared to the fact that God already recognizes my name! He knows who I am, and He knows why I do what I do.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I really don't care if I get that life or if the extent of my "musical career" is leading praise and worship at our church. I told God last year that I was giving over control of my gifts to Him for whatever He wanted. Not my will but His be done.
This morning, after hearing those words and having this epiphany that the God of the Universe, the Creator of all things knows me...you know, it's funny, but just this morning I was driving to work and asking myself what the difference was between me and my old friends all those years I wandered. What was the source of my confidence all that time I was screwing my life up? I know it was a source of consternation for some people, and I think some people thought I was pretty confident for a guy that hadn't amounted to much.
This morning though, I concluded that the difference, the source of my confidence, was simply that no matter how far I wandered, I never lost my faith. I always knew who God was, I always knew how my "story ended", I just didn't accept the responsibility that came along with all of that. I didn't let God on my throne.
What people never saw though, was the inner turmoil, the hurts, the sense of failure that comes with the knowledge that your life isn't what it could be and the knowledge that the fault lies solely with you. That's how I felt for...decades...
Today though, just thinking that Jesus could turn with a smile to the Father and say "Yesterday Randy almost screwed that song up because he started daydreaming in the middle" and the Father wouldn't even have to ask, "Randy who?" That's amazing. I want to always feel the way I feel right now about the simple, and simply amazing, fact that God knows my name.
I can't even write "God knows my name" right now without being flooded with emotions and having to blink back the tears.
I would love for people to know my name. I would love to have David Crowder call me and say "Hey come play guitar with us", or just some stranger stop me on the street and tell me that God had used me to bless them....that would be great, and I daydream about those things happening someday.
But I already live in a world where God recognizes my name. I want so bad to keep my priorities straight so that always means more.
I was just going to send you a short note.....lol.
God bless you.