I had to go and find this quote from Ronald Reagan so I could post it here today. So many people want to label Jesus as anything but what He was, God with us. Call Him whatever you may like, but He was not a prophet or a madman, He was the Son of God, come to earth to die for our sins so that we may know peace and joy throughout eternity with our Father, our Lord, our Friend in Heaven.
"Meaning no disrespect to the religious convictions of others, I still can't help wondering how we can explain away what to me is the greatest miracle of all and which is recorded in history. No one denies there was such a man, that he lived and that he was put to death by crucifixion. Where...is the miracle I spoke of? Well consider this and let your imagination translate the story into our own time -- possibly to your own hometown.
A young man whose father is a carpenter grows up working in his father's shop. One day he puts down his tools and walks out of his father's shop. He starts preaching on street corners and in the nearby countryside, walking from place to place, preaching all the while, even though he is not an ordained minister. He never gets farther than an area perhaps 100 miles wide at the most. He does this for three years. Then he is arrested, tried and convicted. There is no court of appeal, so he is executed at age 33 along with two common thieves. Those in charge of his execution roll dice to see who gets his clothing -- the only possessions he has. His family cannot afford a burial place for him so he is interred in a borrowed tomb.
End of story? No, this uneducated, propertyless young man who...left no written word has, for 2,000 years, had a greater effect on the world than all the rulers, kings, emperors; all the conquerors, generals and admirals; all the scholars, scientists and philosophers who have ever lived -- all of them put together. How do we explain that? ...[U]nless he really was what he said he was." --Ronald Reagan
Friday, April 14, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
The Gospel of Judas??? Come on!
It's not that I have nothing to write about lately, it's just that I don't have the time to write it! I'm being a very good steward with my time, but there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day lately.
Still, I couldn't pass this one up. Supposedly, a manuscript of the Gospel of Judas has been found somewhere in Egypt. This "gospel" tells a far different story of the man than that depicted in the Biblical Gospels. Amongst other things, in this work Judas is a heroic figure. But I'm not writing today to talk about that.
What gets me is that some people that were already enraptured by this story are now going to feel as if they have been somehow vindicated. That's like saying because I found an original notebook of one of the Brother's Grimm that all those fairy tales must be true.
Listen, before this gets any further, there is ONE piece of manuscript evidence for the gospel of Judas. There are over 5,000 pieces of manuscript evidence for the Bible. There is no book in history that is so widely substantiated. The Bible is the word of God. That's it, it's His book, those are all the instructions you need. Judas was a thief and he betrayed Christ to death.
I just needed to get that off of my chest. Please return to your normally scheduled Sunday.
Still, I couldn't pass this one up. Supposedly, a manuscript of the Gospel of Judas has been found somewhere in Egypt. This "gospel" tells a far different story of the man than that depicted in the Biblical Gospels. Amongst other things, in this work Judas is a heroic figure. But I'm not writing today to talk about that.
What gets me is that some people that were already enraptured by this story are now going to feel as if they have been somehow vindicated. That's like saying because I found an original notebook of one of the Brother's Grimm that all those fairy tales must be true.
Listen, before this gets any further, there is ONE piece of manuscript evidence for the gospel of Judas. There are over 5,000 pieces of manuscript evidence for the Bible. There is no book in history that is so widely substantiated. The Bible is the word of God. That's it, it's His book, those are all the instructions you need. Judas was a thief and he betrayed Christ to death.
I just needed to get that off of my chest. Please return to your normally scheduled Sunday.
Monday, April 03, 2006
FYI
Two minutes and Three seconds past 1:00AM on Wednesday, the time and date will be:
01:02:03 04/05/06
Just so you know.
01:02:03 04/05/06
Just so you know.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Fever Pitch
So I woke up this morning out of a drop dead sleep at 6 AM, which most days would be 6 AM, except today it's really 5 AM. What makes it even more incredible is that I went to bed at like midnight....which was....1 AM? You know, when you need an advanced math degree in order to figure out what time it is, well, it must be early in the morning. (shave and a haircut, 2 bits) I know it seemed like a good idea at the time Ben Franklin, but it's your fault I'm confused right now.
Anyway, I have a confession to make. Part of the reason, actually probably the biggest reason that I don't give up cable television is because I like to sleep with the television on. The other part is that I think I might go crazy if I couldn't watch the Red Sox. Not crazy "I-can't-find-my-car-keys" crazy either, but crazy "I-broke-into-the-library-and colorcoded-all-the-books-on-the-shelves" crazy. I LOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE the Red Sox. I feel like I should be at a 12 step program right now.
"Hi, my name is Randy and I'm a recovering Red Sox fan. I haven't watched a game in over 2 weeks."
(That could never really happen. See the part about color coding books for more information why.)
So anyway, I was sleeping with the television on for the millionth night in a row, when out of my drop dead sleep I wake up promptly at 6 AM. Okay, probably not. I don't know what time is was but it was about 20 after 6 when I sat down to write this. I realized when I woke up that Fever Pitch was on, and not only that, but that the movie was about 80% over. Being the Red Sox fanatic (fan isn't a good enough word) I am, I immediately thought to myself "If I stay awake for another 10 minutes I'll get to see the part where they show all those wonderful highlights from the 2004 playoffs."
So I'm laying there and becoming more and more conscious as Jimmy Fallon finds out the Red Sox came back in the bottom of the 9th and beat the Yankees at the first game he ever missed in 23 years because he was spending a wonderful evening with Drew Barrymore. He is of course, very stressed about that event, and Drew Barrymore, being a woman, takes offense to that because she believes that he's saying that he would have traded in the evening with her to be at that game.....well.....okay, I don't have the time right now to sit here and think about what I would have done. (I mean, he had two tickets, it's not like he wouldn't have taken her to the game with him)
Okay, just for the record, any future love interests, you need to read my blog, because I'm putting it in writing right now, you date me, you better get used to the potential for life coming to an end as you know it for 2 weeks every October. That's just the way it is.
So I'm laying there, half awake and watching with one eye open as Drew takes offense and breaks poor Jimmy's heart. After a little bit I've got both eyes open as the movie moves into the part where the Sox (pronounced Sawks) go down 3-0 to the Yankees in the ALCS. If you are not a Red Sox fan you have no idea what this part of the movie is like for us. If you're a married man, it's like remembering the moments just before you asked your wife to marry you. I'm serious, it's that sweet. My eyes almost roll back into my head and my whole body tingles just thinking about it.
So as the story goes along I'm lying there squinting at the TV, still planning on falling back asleep as soon as I get to see Drew grab Johnny Damon's butt, Ortiz get the hits and Foulke toss Alphabet the ball, when a funny thing happened. (what, you're surprised? It's a romantic comedy after all...) I started getting interested in the story all over again. It's really a well done movie. I originally saw it with some friends here in Ohio, and they liked it and had no affinity whatsoever for the Sawks. (Noooomaaaaaahhhhh. Sorry, couldn't help myself)
By the time Drew made her way to the center field bleachers, I actually had my glasses on. Even though I knew all that was going to come (before the nirvana inducing baseball highlights at the end) the story had captured me again. Okay, I'm going to admit it, when Drew jumped off the wall onto the field and then rushed the field trying to stop Jimmy before he could sell his seats I started to get a little emotional. When she ran all the way across the field and told him that if he loved her enough to give up his tickets, then she loved him enough not to let him I thought to myself that that was the most beautiful thing I ever heard. I just got another chill thinking about it. But when she looked him in the eye and told him she was getting arrested, well, a single tear rolled down my cheek.
Maybe it was because I was already confused about what time it was. Perhaps it's because I was just so relieved that he didn't give up the tickets. It could be those things, but it's not. I got emotional like that, I was stirred up because I wish I could find someone that loved me like that, EXACTLY like that. Sometimes I just wish I could take part of a movie and make it my life, and if I could, I would take that part of that movie and make it the way I met the love of my life.
Okay, I probably also get emotional because in 2004 not only did the Sawks finally win it all, but I also got divorced. Talk about your highs and lows...
I remember even feeling a little empty the night they finally put it away. Honestly, that whole year was like walking through a desert, but for a little while in October/November that year, I did at least feel something for a little while. I drove all the way from Ohio to Massachusetts that week to see the victory parade in Boston. I didn't go though, I spent the time with my friends and watched it on television instead. (Best parade I ever missed. I love you guys)
Anyway, I didn't want to bring the tone of this whole thing down by mentioning the divorce, but I had to. This morning I realized that because of all that I was going through back then, I still hadn't fully "accepted" 2004. A part of me has still been, I don't know, sad I guess. I guess as high as that was, I didn't get to experience all of it's wonderfullness because of what I was going through personally at that point in my life.
Well, on June 21st, I'm excorcising those demons. You see, I've got front row Monster seats that night, so if you happen to catch the game that night and they flash to the guy up on the Monster that's dancing like a maniac while "Tessie" plays, know that it's not because he drank too much beer.
Know that that guy is going to be up there celebrating the fact that after all those years, after watching Rice break his hand, and Dent hit the homer, after watching Yaz pop up and Esasaky go down, after having to say goodbye to Freddy Lynn and Carlton Fisk (not to mention the Rooster), after having to see Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball, and Buckner miss the ball.....after watching Rogah get booted in the first inning, and after watching Mo choke, after watching the Yankees win it all 4 times and just when they had us down 3-0 and things looked as bleak as they ever did.....after having my heart broke again and again and again....well, just know that because the stone got rolled away and David Ortiz stepped out of that crypt and said "Not so fast" to the Yankees that year, because of all of that, I'll be dancing like a maniac that whole game. For me, I'll finally be letting go of that last little part of my heart that was still broken and I'll be free at last to celebrate that wonderful team.
Oh, and just for the record, I'm sick of being polite about this, THERE ARE NO FANS LIKE RED SOX FANS. I haven't been to every park to see every team, but I do have a larger sample size than most people to go by because of all of the different cities I've lived in, and I'm telling you that there are no fans that love their team the way that Red Sox fans love theirs. Over the last few years I've had to put up with people trying to degrade me and the rest of Red Sox nation because they think we think we're special and that there is no difference between their story and ours. I don't think we're special, but we are definitely unique.
I'll tell you what, when they make a romantic comedy about your team, when your park becomes an icon all of it's own and they have tours that draw more people than White House tours, awwwww forget it, Red Sox fans are unique in all of sports. I'm a Steelers fan, I chose my college based on two criteria. First, it was a Christian college. Second, it was 45 minutes north of Pittsburgh and I knew that for four years I would be able to watch every game. So in my book of priorities back then, the Steelers came right after God. Well, comparing my love for the Steelers to my love for the Red Sox is like comparing the way you feel about breakfast to how you feel about your wife. (yes, I know sometimes she makes you really mad, that's part of the analogy...)
And just so you know, it took me over an hour to write this, and the whole time I've had Tessie blasting full volume through my headphones. I'm still sitting here typing along to the beat and every now and then I still have to stop and dance in my chair a little bit.
Maybe I am crazy....
Sunday, March 26, 2006
The inefficiency of our government
So, I go to Drudge last night and I am mildly annoyed to see this story about the immigration rallies behing held the last few days. You know, the rallies being held by people that have snuck into this country illegally and are now trying to tell us how to run our country. Right, those ones. (These people are represented in Washington, by the way, by the party that lost the last couple Presidential elections as well as control of both the House and Senate, and now want to tell the winning party how to run the country. Talk about synchronicity)
Anyhoo, other than being mildly annoyed, I've become a little ticked off again at the innefficiency of our government. There were at least 100,000 people gathered together all told in these various rallies, and our immigration officials apparently did nothing about it. How great would it have been had they done their jobs and rounded these people up to cart them back across the border where they belong.
Don't get me wrong, I love America, and if I didn't live here I would sure want to. What I wouldn't do though is start waving my fist in the air and start telling Americans that I had a right to live here, and that Americans had were really really mean and unfair for trying to determine the conditions under which I get to live here. Sorry, that's the kind of stuff that gets under my collar and makes me want (even more) to toughen up the security on our borders.
One final thing, just a piece of advice here. If you're marching in an immigration rights rally and you want me to "hear" your message, then it's not a good idea for you to print your sign in spanish. First rule of America, the language is English. Learn it.
Anyhoo, other than being mildly annoyed, I've become a little ticked off again at the innefficiency of our government. There were at least 100,000 people gathered together all told in these various rallies, and our immigration officials apparently did nothing about it. How great would it have been had they done their jobs and rounded these people up to cart them back across the border where they belong.
Don't get me wrong, I love America, and if I didn't live here I would sure want to. What I wouldn't do though is start waving my fist in the air and start telling Americans that I had a right to live here, and that Americans had were really really mean and unfair for trying to determine the conditions under which I get to live here. Sorry, that's the kind of stuff that gets under my collar and makes me want (even more) to toughen up the security on our borders.
One final thing, just a piece of advice here. If you're marching in an immigration rights rally and you want me to "hear" your message, then it's not a good idea for you to print your sign in spanish. First rule of America, the language is English. Learn it.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Herbal link? The "Why is this news" story of the day.
A recent study has found that teens that use herbal remedies are more prone to using illicit drugs. In my house right now crickets are chirping and nobody has noticed I said anything at all. There is no surprise here.
Actually, that's not entirely true, I'm surprised that the people that conducted this study got the relationship backwards. What it really should say is that teens that use illicit drugs (specifically marijuana) are more likely to use herbal remedies.
You know why? Because herbal has the word herb in it. That's it, that is all there is to it. The thought processes go something like this:
1. I like the way this herb makes me feel.
2. I would like some nachos and a bowl of ice cream.
3. My stomach hurts.
4. I wonder how that herb will make me feel.
It's really that simple. And unfortunately, speaking as a former teen that smoked pot, I can confirm that the best part of using an herbal remedy is that you get to say the word herb. You get to be in the herb club.
I once knew a guy we called Herb, and whenever he entered a room we would call out his name like he was Norm from Cheers. I know they have all kinds of names for the stuff now, but back in the day we just said "Hey, got any herb?" because we liked calling it herb.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone would spend some money on something like, I don't know, actually doing something to prevent teens from smoking herb?
Actually, that's not entirely true, I'm surprised that the people that conducted this study got the relationship backwards. What it really should say is that teens that use illicit drugs (specifically marijuana) are more likely to use herbal remedies.
You know why? Because herbal has the word herb in it. That's it, that is all there is to it. The thought processes go something like this:
1. I like the way this herb makes me feel.
2. I would like some nachos and a bowl of ice cream.
3. My stomach hurts.
4. I wonder how that herb will make me feel.
It's really that simple. And unfortunately, speaking as a former teen that smoked pot, I can confirm that the best part of using an herbal remedy is that you get to say the word herb. You get to be in the herb club.
I once knew a guy we called Herb, and whenever he entered a room we would call out his name like he was Norm from Cheers. I know they have all kinds of names for the stuff now, but back in the day we just said "Hey, got any herb?" because we liked calling it herb.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone would spend some money on something like, I don't know, actually doing something to prevent teens from smoking herb?
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Manliness
This is an e-mail I sent off this morning regarding this article in the Washington Post.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/20/AR2006032001416_pf.html
I just couldn't take it any more this morning.
"Manliness" didn't begin with the Bush White House, nor can it's root cause be traced back to any time in recorded history. It is and has always been, and a good thing for us it has. As you freely admit, it is men that rise to the top in political parties, and there is no way you could argue that it is not that way across all walks of life. Without this "manliness" you're so readily willing to tout as a negative aspect, our world would be markedly different, and not at all for the better.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/20/AR2006032001416_pf.html
I just couldn't take it any more this morning.
"Manliness" didn't begin with the Bush White House, nor can it's root cause be traced back to any time in recorded history. It is and has always been, and a good thing for us it has. As you freely admit, it is men that rise to the top in political parties, and there is no way you could argue that it is not that way across all walks of life. Without this "manliness" you're so readily willing to tout as a negative aspect, our world would be markedly different, and not at all for the better.
Are there negative aspects to masculinity? Certainly, but by bringing up the Iraq war to try and emphasize that you've dropped the ball completely. Nobody is really arguing that in circumstances where a maniacal dictator is torturing his own citizens and thumbing his nose at the world, the right to take preemptive action exists. Even if you wanted to argue that point, and frankly, you would be a fool and an ass to do so, you need to broaden the scope of your attack and start with the politicians not in the President's party who gave him approval in the first place.
Secondly, I don't have a problem with an administration that doesn't want to take time away from managing the country to give you answers that are going to make you feel better. I trust that if there were sufficient evidence to censure or impeach this President, then his drooling and frothing at the mouth political opponents would have acted instantaneously, but thus far there is but one lonely voice officially raised. Yet you and others like you follow down that path of misinformation like sheep, sure that even though the Democrats have done nothing but throw vile accusations and grandstand, that somewhere in there lies some truth which backs up your own reactionary and paranoid point of view.
Finally, I want a leader as a President. If he wants to take some personal friends aside and confess to some introspection or self doubt, then that's fine. The day he gets up in front of the nation and waxes philosophic and shows some weakness, you and the other sharks are going to go into a feeding frenzy. You have NOTHING positive to say to or about the man, and if you had any credibility whatsoever you would admit that the moment he showed any weakness you would pounce. I wish you could see yourself and your complaints about the "swaggering dismissal of dissenting views as the carping of those not on the team" for the ridiculously humorous statements they are. You ARE NOT on the team, so why then do you think you are entitled to intimacy of such a level?
You may not like manliness, but from the first man that picked up a club to beat back a predator, to people like Edison and Einstein, all the way to more modern hero's such as Mandela and Billy Graham, it has primarily been men furthering the betterment of humanity. That's because, no matter how much you may not like it, it is the way God intended for it to be, it is the way it has always been, and it is the way it will always be. I freely admit that every one of these men and men like them typically had a woman of strength and character partnered with him (much Like Laura Bush, but nothing like Hillary Clinton).
For the record, I have significant problems with the President's fiscal irresponsibilities and his handling of our illegal immigration problems. I do not, however, have a problem with him trying to comport himself like a man.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Wall of Pride
Maybe you have always known what it is you are going to do with your life, maybe you are just that lucky. Perhaps you haven't known exactly, but you were blessed with a good upbringing and learned early how to plan and be organized so when you finally figured it out you were able to dive right in.
That's not my life. None of it.
For 37 years I walked this earth and I never, never, never, never felt completely comfortable in my own skin. A lot of people are surprised when I say things like that, or if I confess to how melancholy I can sometimes be, because I am always quick to laugh and as outgoing of a person as you will find.
I've had little glimpses of what I might like to do, that's how I ended up with a Psychology degree and its why I'm in a sales job right now. As much as I do love my current job though, it still just doesn't always quite fit me.
It's been frustrating living like this, it's been difficult to breathe.
What I just came to realize is that this whole time (and I'm sure it's like this...maybe..... for everyone..?) for a large part, it's been me holding me back.
I have known, and known for a long time what I am meant to do. I just didn't believe it. I just didn't believe it could happen to me. I just didn't believe that I could be so happy doing the thing that I am supposed to be doing. Now I know better.
Psalm 139 says that:
1. God knows us and everything about us. He is an expert in all of our ways, and there is no place we can hide. Most importantly, he has beset us on all sides. (beset has quite a few meanings, but in this case we'll settle for hemmed in, the other definitions bring different analogies to mind, although they describe His perfect love just as well)
2. There is nowhere we can go to escape God, He is always there. Always. It's never too dark, too bright, too deep, too anything for God not to be aware of every circumstance in our lives.
3. He has made us. We were nothing before we were a thought in His head. We are His creation. He didn't make us like you make a pot of coffee either, the only analogy that can even begin to approach the way in which God made us would be to say He created us like the same way that Michelangelo created things. Even then, Michelangelo's greatest work was mere fingerpainting compared to the work God did when He created you and I.
4. Before you lived a single day of your life, God knew what your last breath would be like. He is in complete control of everything, every person, place and thing, at every moment.
5. Most importantly (for my purposes), God's thoughts about us, God's thoughts about you the reader, and me the writer are inumerable. Let me make this clearer, because I don't want to send a collective message when I'm trying to imply a specific one. God's thoughts about you are countless, more than you could ever even fathom. There is not a moment in your life that God didn't already think about a Godzillion times, and it's the same for the next moment, and the one after that, and the one after that.
I know all that and have known it. Psalm 139 is my favorite passage in the whole Bible, and has been for a long time. I know it is a passage meant for me, because it keeps cropping back up in my life over and over again. Considering all of the verses and chapters in the Bible, it's too much of a coincidence for it to be an accident. Even if you take out all of the "begatting" verses and things like that, it would still be too much of a coincidence. it would be like running across the same Peanuts comic once a week for 10 years in different places and publications.
If there is one thing that God wants me to know, it is that He is in control, He has been in control, and He will always be in control.
And still, knowing that, I doubted that God wanted me to use my musical and speaking talents for Him. Still I doubted that something which is both an accident and a blessing could be my purpose, my calling. Why?
Because I love to do it so much.
What's wrong with me??!!
God has blessed me over the past couple of years, because I have been using these gifts primarily to serve Him. I never feel more in tune with God than when I am singing and playing and praising Him. (Conversely, I never feel more out of tune than when I am singing and playing...not for Him.)
Last year after I ruptured my spleen and almost died, I offered my meager gifts to Him for whatever purpose He intended, but I still didn't believe that much would come of it. I began to get an inkling that what He had planned was more than I could fathom because of opportunities that arose for me to use my gifts in various ways.
Still, I would downplay it all by saying things like "I want to play the guitar when I grow up", which I've said a few times over the past few weeks. I meant it to be funny, and it did get a few chuckles, but in my heart I was saying "I want to do this, but I just don't believe it's going to happen to me."
I wasn't completely disparaging God and myself though. I've also had a couple of conversations with people where I've talked about what an accident it is that I can even play the guitar or sing. I do not have guitar players hands, they're short and stubby, and there is nobody else in my family that can even hum well. I wanted to believe that these things were all part of a plan God had for my life, but again, I liked doing them too much for me to believe this was my calling.
What a prideful fool I've been.
I have had an epiphany. I've finally put all of the clues together. First of all, I know God has a plan for my life, and that He has created me in such a way that Iwill be prepared to carry it out. Second of all, and more importantly, I know this plan is a good plan, a plan of peace and hope. So, I know that even if right now I'm totally misleading myself, that this was part of God's plan!
But I don't think I am being misled. I don't feel I'm being misled.
For the first time in my life, for the first time ever, I can say that I believe I was born to minister to other people through speaking, playing and singing, and I believe it can happen. I don't know if God wants me to continue to play for groups around here or enjoy a different level of success, but I know what He wants me to do.
I consider it all joy for every single trial I went through in my lifetime. God has used each one of them to make me steadfast, but He has also used each one of them to purify and refine me, to strip away my hurtful harmful pride that stood in the way of me doing what He wanted me to do.
I can remember specific days in my life when I had screwed things up or failed and how I felt at exact moments. There were moments in my life when I did things that I knew were not part of the plan, but I did them anyway because I wanted to. I can recall intimately the utter shame I felt in those moments. At the time I felt so far from God, so unworthy, and I imagined Him being disappointed with me, so hurt that I would not or could not approach Him.
I don't think that's how it was though. I can hear his voice now, I can hear the echo of it throughout all of those days. I can hear Him calling to me in this moment, and throughout all of my years.
I have a vision of Jesus in my mind, standing on the other side of my wall of pride. He is stripped to the waist, sweat covers his body and each one of those trials that I have suffered through has been a swing He has taken with a sledgehammer at my wall of pride.
Oh, in those moments, when that sledgehammer rang off of my wall the pain was excruciating. All I could hear and feel was the sound of it's smack in my ears telling me I had failed somehow, and the vibration of the impact as it made it's way through my life. I still have some of the scars.
I've taken a lot of hits off that wall in 38 years, but it took that long, and it took that many blows for me to finally be able to hear something else over the wall.
Now that the wall has come down some, I can hear Jesus, as He swings away at that wall. I can hear Him calling to me throughout all of my years, saying:
"I'm coming Randy. I'm coming and I hear you crying." His words echo. " I will break down this wall and set you free"
"I have a plan for you."
Today I feel very blessed, very grateful, and very humble, because I believe I know what God has called me to do. Finally.
Do you know? Have you submitted yourself to God, to the King of all creation? Or are you behind a wall? Whether you can hear it or not, He's calling you. Whether you can hear it or not, I'm praying for you.
Some of this stuff isn't easy to admit to, but now I have a sledgehammer too.
That's not my life. None of it.
For 37 years I walked this earth and I never, never, never, never felt completely comfortable in my own skin. A lot of people are surprised when I say things like that, or if I confess to how melancholy I can sometimes be, because I am always quick to laugh and as outgoing of a person as you will find.
I've had little glimpses of what I might like to do, that's how I ended up with a Psychology degree and its why I'm in a sales job right now. As much as I do love my current job though, it still just doesn't always quite fit me.
It's been frustrating living like this, it's been difficult to breathe.
What I just came to realize is that this whole time (and I'm sure it's like this...maybe..... for everyone..?) for a large part, it's been me holding me back.
I have known, and known for a long time what I am meant to do. I just didn't believe it. I just didn't believe it could happen to me. I just didn't believe that I could be so happy doing the thing that I am supposed to be doing. Now I know better.
Psalm 139 says that:
1. God knows us and everything about us. He is an expert in all of our ways, and there is no place we can hide. Most importantly, he has beset us on all sides. (beset has quite a few meanings, but in this case we'll settle for hemmed in, the other definitions bring different analogies to mind, although they describe His perfect love just as well)
2. There is nowhere we can go to escape God, He is always there. Always. It's never too dark, too bright, too deep, too anything for God not to be aware of every circumstance in our lives.
3. He has made us. We were nothing before we were a thought in His head. We are His creation. He didn't make us like you make a pot of coffee either, the only analogy that can even begin to approach the way in which God made us would be to say He created us like the same way that Michelangelo created things. Even then, Michelangelo's greatest work was mere fingerpainting compared to the work God did when He created you and I.
4. Before you lived a single day of your life, God knew what your last breath would be like. He is in complete control of everything, every person, place and thing, at every moment.
5. Most importantly (for my purposes), God's thoughts about us, God's thoughts about you the reader, and me the writer are inumerable. Let me make this clearer, because I don't want to send a collective message when I'm trying to imply a specific one. God's thoughts about you are countless, more than you could ever even fathom. There is not a moment in your life that God didn't already think about a Godzillion times, and it's the same for the next moment, and the one after that, and the one after that.
I know all that and have known it. Psalm 139 is my favorite passage in the whole Bible, and has been for a long time. I know it is a passage meant for me, because it keeps cropping back up in my life over and over again. Considering all of the verses and chapters in the Bible, it's too much of a coincidence for it to be an accident. Even if you take out all of the "begatting" verses and things like that, it would still be too much of a coincidence. it would be like running across the same Peanuts comic once a week for 10 years in different places and publications.
If there is one thing that God wants me to know, it is that He is in control, He has been in control, and He will always be in control.
And still, knowing that, I doubted that God wanted me to use my musical and speaking talents for Him. Still I doubted that something which is both an accident and a blessing could be my purpose, my calling. Why?
Because I love to do it so much.
What's wrong with me??!!
God has blessed me over the past couple of years, because I have been using these gifts primarily to serve Him. I never feel more in tune with God than when I am singing and playing and praising Him. (Conversely, I never feel more out of tune than when I am singing and playing...not for Him.)
Last year after I ruptured my spleen and almost died, I offered my meager gifts to Him for whatever purpose He intended, but I still didn't believe that much would come of it. I began to get an inkling that what He had planned was more than I could fathom because of opportunities that arose for me to use my gifts in various ways.
Still, I would downplay it all by saying things like "I want to play the guitar when I grow up", which I've said a few times over the past few weeks. I meant it to be funny, and it did get a few chuckles, but in my heart I was saying "I want to do this, but I just don't believe it's going to happen to me."
I wasn't completely disparaging God and myself though. I've also had a couple of conversations with people where I've talked about what an accident it is that I can even play the guitar or sing. I do not have guitar players hands, they're short and stubby, and there is nobody else in my family that can even hum well. I wanted to believe that these things were all part of a plan God had for my life, but again, I liked doing them too much for me to believe this was my calling.
What a prideful fool I've been.
I have had an epiphany. I've finally put all of the clues together. First of all, I know God has a plan for my life, and that He has created me in such a way that Iwill be prepared to carry it out. Second of all, and more importantly, I know this plan is a good plan, a plan of peace and hope. So, I know that even if right now I'm totally misleading myself, that this was part of God's plan!
But I don't think I am being misled. I don't feel I'm being misled.
For the first time in my life, for the first time ever, I can say that I believe I was born to minister to other people through speaking, playing and singing, and I believe it can happen. I don't know if God wants me to continue to play for groups around here or enjoy a different level of success, but I know what He wants me to do.
I consider it all joy for every single trial I went through in my lifetime. God has used each one of them to make me steadfast, but He has also used each one of them to purify and refine me, to strip away my hurtful harmful pride that stood in the way of me doing what He wanted me to do.
I can remember specific days in my life when I had screwed things up or failed and how I felt at exact moments. There were moments in my life when I did things that I knew were not part of the plan, but I did them anyway because I wanted to. I can recall intimately the utter shame I felt in those moments. At the time I felt so far from God, so unworthy, and I imagined Him being disappointed with me, so hurt that I would not or could not approach Him.
I don't think that's how it was though. I can hear his voice now, I can hear the echo of it throughout all of those days. I can hear Him calling to me in this moment, and throughout all of my years.
I have a vision of Jesus in my mind, standing on the other side of my wall of pride. He is stripped to the waist, sweat covers his body and each one of those trials that I have suffered through has been a swing He has taken with a sledgehammer at my wall of pride.
Oh, in those moments, when that sledgehammer rang off of my wall the pain was excruciating. All I could hear and feel was the sound of it's smack in my ears telling me I had failed somehow, and the vibration of the impact as it made it's way through my life. I still have some of the scars.
I've taken a lot of hits off that wall in 38 years, but it took that long, and it took that many blows for me to finally be able to hear something else over the wall.
Now that the wall has come down some, I can hear Jesus, as He swings away at that wall. I can hear Him calling to me throughout all of my years, saying:
"I'm coming Randy. I'm coming and I hear you crying." His words echo. " I will break down this wall and set you free"
"I have a plan for you."
Today I feel very blessed, very grateful, and very humble, because I believe I know what God has called me to do. Finally.
Do you know? Have you submitted yourself to God, to the King of all creation? Or are you behind a wall? Whether you can hear it or not, He's calling you. Whether you can hear it or not, I'm praying for you.
Some of this stuff isn't easy to admit to, but now I have a sledgehammer too.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Always Gay?
Okay, I'm writing this here because I don't want to be obtrusive, but I do need to talk about it.
(Edit - It just occurred to me how funny it is that I would post this in my blog because this is where the least amount of people will see it)
I have recently come into contact with a friend from college, well, more of an acquaintance but somebody I really liked and thought well of, who is now a lesbian. (okay, let's not argue about the exigesis of lesbianism, ie. whether it has genetic causation. I'm not saying that she was or wasn't always a lesbian, I'm just saying that right now, if you were to ask her, she would say "I am a lesbian.")
I was really psyched when I found her on-line. Over the years she's someone that I've thought about from time to time and wished I had stayed in touch with. When we were in college (Geneva College) we shared some of the same "hobbies" that other students at Geneva wouldn't normally participate in. Okay, we liked to party and we both had an affinity for the Grateful Dead. We also were both Psychology majors, and we did at least one study/paper together. I've just always thought she was so intelligent and she made me laugh. Even now, I read through her blog and I am just cracking up.
Before I go on, let's get one thing clear. I am a liar and a thief. I have no inherent right to my salvation, it is only by the grace of God that I am saved. I judge nobody, at least not unrighteously. Well, I try not to anyway. I just want to throw that out there, because I am not dealing with emotions right now in writing this, only in what has been reported and what is written. Most importantly for this conversation, I am not judging her or the choice she has made. (Again, whether or not it was a choice is not the focus of this conversation, but I would certainly be willing to hear your opinion. Especially if you don't try to denigrate me as a person if my opinion is not the same as yours........you know, I'm not sure when I took on this whole peaceful diplomatic personality that's been developing recently, but I'm starting to make myself a little sick with all of it. Why can't I just tell people to stick it in their ear like I used to?)
Anyhoo....I've been praying for my friend, and I've been trying to just be a friend and nothing more. I have been praying that God would afford me the opportunity to talk with her about this as well, but we've only been back in touch for a short time and that hasn't, and may not happen. In short, I'm attempting to model my behavior after what I know of Jesus.
I also don't want to preach, and I don't think I have anything new to add to the conversations that may have already taken place in real life, or at least inside of her head concerning the Biblical stance on homosexuality.
I just want to tell her that I can't make it through my day without God leading the way. There are other things that she has written in her blog that I am empathetic to, things that have nothing to do with sex, but have to do with things like family, lonliness and having your heart broken. I just want her to know that I've been through so many of those circumstances, I've tried to shoulder the burden myself through situations just like those, but I have finally realized after last year that I can't do it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to admit, but it freed me. I am not a weak man, not physically, not mentally and not spiritually, but I am woefully underequipped to handle all of the things that the world throws at us day after day after day after day.....
So, I don't want to preach, but I wouldn't mind informing. I did a little research today and I found out a few things.
The Bible speaks clearly about homosexuality and other sins:
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Apparently the church in Corinth was filled with a bunch of men and women just like us.
Exodus International is a ministry for homosexuals. They report a genuine lifestyle change for up to 50% of the people they minister to, although what success means is ambiguous in this case.
There is also an interesting review of 31 different studies which was done by New Direction. I enjoyed reading some of this, but that's just because I'm still a psychology nerd at heart.
I hope it's you reading this. I hope you followed the link from that other place and made your way here and are beginning to realize that I am authentically concerned for you, and this has nothing to do with me wanting to control you or change you. It doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that while I was thinking of you from time to time over the years, I was thinking about you as a woman as well as a great person. I may be a romantic at heart, but you're a lesbian and I am also a realist. If you would be my friend and never change a thing about the person you are right now, I would consider myself the lucky one. I don't know why, but I have always felt that way about you. You're a fantastic person, and I think that's why you've got so many friends in so many places.
You are in my prayers.
(Edit - It just occurred to me how funny it is that I would post this in my blog because this is where the least amount of people will see it)
I have recently come into contact with a friend from college, well, more of an acquaintance but somebody I really liked and thought well of, who is now a lesbian. (okay, let's not argue about the exigesis of lesbianism, ie. whether it has genetic causation. I'm not saying that she was or wasn't always a lesbian, I'm just saying that right now, if you were to ask her, she would say "I am a lesbian.")
I was really psyched when I found her on-line. Over the years she's someone that I've thought about from time to time and wished I had stayed in touch with. When we were in college (Geneva College) we shared some of the same "hobbies" that other students at Geneva wouldn't normally participate in. Okay, we liked to party and we both had an affinity for the Grateful Dead. We also were both Psychology majors, and we did at least one study/paper together. I've just always thought she was so intelligent and she made me laugh. Even now, I read through her blog and I am just cracking up.
Before I go on, let's get one thing clear. I am a liar and a thief. I have no inherent right to my salvation, it is only by the grace of God that I am saved. I judge nobody, at least not unrighteously. Well, I try not to anyway. I just want to throw that out there, because I am not dealing with emotions right now in writing this, only in what has been reported and what is written. Most importantly for this conversation, I am not judging her or the choice she has made. (Again, whether or not it was a choice is not the focus of this conversation, but I would certainly be willing to hear your opinion. Especially if you don't try to denigrate me as a person if my opinion is not the same as yours........you know, I'm not sure when I took on this whole peaceful diplomatic personality that's been developing recently, but I'm starting to make myself a little sick with all of it. Why can't I just tell people to stick it in their ear like I used to?)
Anyhoo....I've been praying for my friend, and I've been trying to just be a friend and nothing more. I have been praying that God would afford me the opportunity to talk with her about this as well, but we've only been back in touch for a short time and that hasn't, and may not happen. In short, I'm attempting to model my behavior after what I know of Jesus.
I also don't want to preach, and I don't think I have anything new to add to the conversations that may have already taken place in real life, or at least inside of her head concerning the Biblical stance on homosexuality.
I just want to tell her that I can't make it through my day without God leading the way. There are other things that she has written in her blog that I am empathetic to, things that have nothing to do with sex, but have to do with things like family, lonliness and having your heart broken. I just want her to know that I've been through so many of those circumstances, I've tried to shoulder the burden myself through situations just like those, but I have finally realized after last year that I can't do it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to admit, but it freed me. I am not a weak man, not physically, not mentally and not spiritually, but I am woefully underequipped to handle all of the things that the world throws at us day after day after day after day.....
So, I don't want to preach, but I wouldn't mind informing. I did a little research today and I found out a few things.
The Bible speaks clearly about homosexuality and other sins:
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Apparently the church in Corinth was filled with a bunch of men and women just like us.
Exodus International is a ministry for homosexuals. They report a genuine lifestyle change for up to 50% of the people they minister to, although what success means is ambiguous in this case.
There is also an interesting review of 31 different studies which was done by New Direction. I enjoyed reading some of this, but that's just because I'm still a psychology nerd at heart.
I hope it's you reading this. I hope you followed the link from that other place and made your way here and are beginning to realize that I am authentically concerned for you, and this has nothing to do with me wanting to control you or change you. It doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that while I was thinking of you from time to time over the years, I was thinking about you as a woman as well as a great person. I may be a romantic at heart, but you're a lesbian and I am also a realist. If you would be my friend and never change a thing about the person you are right now, I would consider myself the lucky one. I don't know why, but I have always felt that way about you. You're a fantastic person, and I think that's why you've got so many friends in so many places.
You are in my prayers.
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